help and advice needed my partner has asburgers

Having said that, even with a diagnosis, it won't wave any magic wand.  Both of you would need to work at it, although he would need support to be able to do this due to communication being a deficit in ASC and it being harder to understand what is wrong and why for him.  If you try and are still unhappy and not compatible as partners, you may need to make a life choice for the sake of your own future happiness.

@fiona, would your husband consider completing a short questionnaire?  There is a shortened version of the AQ50 which is a validated Asperger's assessment tool, called the AQ10, and which is recommended by the NHS for GPs to use as a screening tool for onward referral.

If you look in the assessment/diagnosis forum in my stickied thread, there is a link to the AQ10 and if your husband scores 6 or above it means he ought to get referred.

In am now divorced from a man I believe to have aspergers.  I also have two sons with aspergers.  My alias on this site is related to the song of the same name, and one line in the song says "you can check out any time, but you can never leave"'  this sums up how my life is now. 

He cannot relate how his behaviour affects others and his son's cannot see how their behaviour affects others either.  Any attempt I make to explain why the children are hurt / upset is seen as criticism and I am usually punished in some way, usually financially.  So in a sense he is still controlling me, but is more narcissistic now, not entirely sure why.

Like you he blames me for everything, yet any achievements are never mentioned.  He withholds up coming presents if past presents have not been adequately gushed over and letters of thanks sent to him, his controlling behaviour again.  Yet he knows that the children really struggle with this, especially when they never get what they ask for, despite their father telling them that they need to send him a wish list.

I do feel that there are very few people I can talk to, without sounding neurotic.  Others see him as charming and always willing to help and therefore struggle to see where the problem is.

Part of why I pushed for a diagnosis for the boys was partly because I wanted any future partner of theirs to know from the start what traits they have,  and to give them both tools to have a successful relationship, and if they did have problems, knowing were the best place to get advice would be.  Most couples counselling is at the moment is designed for nt couples, and do a tremendous amount of damage when used by aspies.  We tried relate at one point and the most my ex could tolerate was going to the cinema on week nights when it was quiet.  At the time I didn't know about aspergers so when she suggested that we must socialise more, we thought that, as the professional said so,  we should do that.  It was a disaster, he was so out of his comfort zone.  We never went back, and I think this bad advice made us weaker as a couple.  So getting the right help I think is crucial.

I wish you well.

Fiona,

There may be a support group in your area for partners. Have you contacted the national NAS helpline ?

www.autism.org.uk/.../contact-us.aspx

or your local branch of NAS:

www.autism.org.uk/.../branches-in-wales.aspx

They should have any details of local support groups?

Can I ask you some questions? When you discuss Aspergers with your husband does he acknowledge any of the traits that you identify? What does he attribute the problems to? Do you think that Aspergers is the cause of the 'physical, mental, verbal, and sexual  abuse'?

Hi Fiona

I am in a similar situation to you. I have a husband (15 years married) who does not admit he has a problem - it is all my fault. Before I knew about Aspergers I tried to get him to marriage counselling but he refused. 4 years later he is now agreeing to go as a mental health professional told him it would be a good idea (only this week.

This was the result of pushing the GP to send him for an ASD diagnosis. He got referred to Health in Mind who said he didn't show signs of Aspergers - without a proper assessment. I have had to threaten my husband with leaving him to get anywhere at all on this. He won't take hints or gentle persuasion and I really do feel like leaving. I have read lots of books and talked with many people so I don't think I am barking up the wrong tree (I also have a son who is being assessed for ASD).

I am receiving a lot of support from Care for the Carers. They don't require a diagnosis and have a mental health support group I attend. They also have access to info on lots of other services. I have made sure I am getting support for me and go to Autism Sussex meetings too. When I have time I would like to set up a support group in my area, as I am sure that there are other women out there (most seem to focus on their kids). In the meantime, there is a good international online Yahoo group called Aspergers and Other Half. If you join you will find so many women in similar situations and lots of support. It isn't the same as a local group though.

I will now be trying to find some counselling for myself and husband that is autism aware. Maxine Aston provides a great service but is expensive and based in Coventry. Her books are a good start. I think diagnosis (on NHS) is getting harder for Aspergers as it is not now a recognised diagnosable condition (in the DSM). I often feel that everyone thinks I am making it up. I will not put up with the abuse anymore though. A counsellor who knows about Aspergers would be a good start for you to get support and remain strong (I now have one after years of ordinary counselling). You need someone who understands the contradictory situation you are in.

Good wishes

Search for healing of Cassandra on  this site.  It is a review of  a workshop run by Maxine Aston.  I think it may help.

hi Jon,

thanks for your reply, no he's not been diagnosed, you have to believe that there is a problem before you can ask for help, he has always blamed every thing and everybody around him, to justify his behaviour, i was only 20 when i 1st met my husband, and he quickly icelated me from friends and family, so that he could be in control of everything. the most heart breaking thing for me as a mum, is now my 2 sons have got it. i blamed my self and sort help from various councillors over the years,  I have endured physical, mental, verbal, and sexual  abuse over the years, and was asked how had i  COPED with him for so long. I am getting older now ( 56 ) and the older i get the harder i am finding it. I was hopeing for a support group close to where i live. its early days yet, so who knows, i might yet find help from somewhere.

Showing affection as you've probably gathered from experience, is pretty difficult for people on the spectrum.

To start with they lacked the social connectivity growing up that enabled them to identify and differentiate what acquaintances, friends, close friends and close relationships expected. They cannot readily read good and bad reactions. So it is often safer not to respond.

What's the right way to hug - depending on your relationship with the person concerned, and whether there is a status difference that defines differences of behaviour - is really tricky. Even as a mild aspe I really cannot hug and cannot do it properly, so always come over badly. I can manage shaking hands, as long as no-one leads on unconventional technique, as I've no comprehension of what they signify, and end up following suit and wondering if I've somehow conveyed approval of some secret society.

I appreciate from an NT perspective, that you need the reassuring messages conveyed through affection, but it may be quite unrealistic to look for this in someone on the spectrum.

Hence what may seem cold and unaffectionate behaviour is in part driven by a real fear of getting it wrong.

There's a book, if you can track it down, that might prove useful, or at least interesting: "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults.... Is Anyone Listening? Essays and Poems by partners, parents and family members of adults with Asperger's Syndrome" collected by Karen E. Rodman, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2003. The ISBN, which a library or bookshop will ask for, is 1 84310 751 1

Hi Fiona,

Has your husband always been in denial? Has he been diagnosed?

:)