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help and advice needed my partner has asburgers

fiona

HELP, im new to this site, and at my wits end. been married for 35 yrs to a man who has asburgers' but who is in denial, also 2 adult sons with it, 1 who is getting help ( thank god ). my life is a liveing nightmare, i love my husband very much, but i am DESPERATE  for some show of kindness and affection from him, I keep asking but he just dont do anything, he cant understand what i am FUSSING about, (his words not mine ) His attitude is that he works hard, pays the bills, so i should be happy' I need a support group for abit of support before i completely  crack up. I live in Cardiff south wales, can anyone sujjest anything to help me.....thanks

Parents

  • In am now divorced from a man I believe to have aspergers.  I also have two sons with aspergers.  My alias on this site is related to the song of the same name, and one line in the song says "you can check out any time, but you can never leave"'  this sums up how my life is now. 

    He cannot relate how his behaviour affects others and his son's cannot see how their behaviour affects others either.  Any attempt I make to explain why the children are hurt / upset is seen as criticism and I am usually punished in some way, usually financially.  So in a sense he is still controlling me, but is more narcissistic now, not entirely sure why.

    Like you he blames me for everything, yet any achievements are never mentioned.  He withholds up coming presents if past presents have not been adequately gushed over and letters of thanks sent to him, his controlling behaviour again.  Yet he knows that the children really struggle with this, especially when they never get what they ask for, despite their father telling them that they need to send him a wish list.

    I do feel that there are very few people I can talk to, without sounding neurotic.  Others see him as charming and always willing to help and therefore struggle to see where the problem is.

    Part of why I pushed for a diagnosis for the boys was partly because I wanted any future partner of theirs to know from the start what traits they have,  and to give them both tools to have a successful relationship, and if they did have problems, knowing were the best place to get advice would be.  Most couples counselling is at the moment is designed for nt couples, and do a tremendous amount of damage when used by aspies.  We tried relate at one point and the most my ex could tolerate was going to the cinema on week nights when it was quiet.  At the time I didn't know about aspergers so when she suggested that we must socialise more, we thought that, as the professional said so,  we should do that.  It was a disaster, he was so out of his comfort zone.  We never went back, and I think this bad advice made us weaker as a couple.  So getting the right help I think is crucial.

    I wish you well.

Reply

  • In am now divorced from a man I believe to have aspergers.  I also have two sons with aspergers.  My alias on this site is related to the song of the same name, and one line in the song says "you can check out any time, but you can never leave"'  this sums up how my life is now. 

    He cannot relate how his behaviour affects others and his son's cannot see how their behaviour affects others either.  Any attempt I make to explain why the children are hurt / upset is seen as criticism and I am usually punished in some way, usually financially.  So in a sense he is still controlling me, but is more narcissistic now, not entirely sure why.

    Like you he blames me for everything, yet any achievements are never mentioned.  He withholds up coming presents if past presents have not been adequately gushed over and letters of thanks sent to him, his controlling behaviour again.  Yet he knows that the children really struggle with this, especially when they never get what they ask for, despite their father telling them that they need to send him a wish list.

    I do feel that there are very few people I can talk to, without sounding neurotic.  Others see him as charming and always willing to help and therefore struggle to see where the problem is.

    Part of why I pushed for a diagnosis for the boys was partly because I wanted any future partner of theirs to know from the start what traits they have,  and to give them both tools to have a successful relationship, and if they did have problems, knowing were the best place to get advice would be.  Most couples counselling is at the moment is designed for nt couples, and do a tremendous amount of damage when used by aspies.  We tried relate at one point and the most my ex could tolerate was going to the cinema on week nights when it was quiet.  At the time I didn't know about aspergers so when she suggested that we must socialise more, we thought that, as the professional said so,  we should do that.  It was a disaster, he was so out of his comfort zone.  We never went back, and I think this bad advice made us weaker as a couple.  So getting the right help I think is crucial.

    I wish you well.

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