Differences at home/in school

My instinct reaction is he feels safe around you. And he doesn't want to be any more different around peers than he already knows he is. 

Many of us were like this. We all need some one we don't have to hide around. He may burn out at school eventually... 

Lau said:

Now I’m thinking do these people think I’m forcing him to use these things.

I would be surprised if people were thinking that way about you.

My thoughts were more around:

- in school - your Son my be masking, camouflaging and compensating to fit in with what seems to be what other children do as a group. 

- whereas, outside of School - he and your household have familiar routines which accommodate his Autism and amongst which he is more comfortable to drop the masking.

- possibly, as some of the out of school Autism-friendly routines may have been in place for some years now - he is maybe of an age were you might be able to give him the choice of does he still like / need a particular strategy?  I don't mean "need" in terns of life won't work well without it - more, does it still aid your Son to feel relaxed, confident, bold, conquering, helps his concentration etc. when he has the additional validation and assurance of those out of school strategies available.

Maybe; in fairly controlled, happy, relaxed and settled time and location is the opportunity to experiment with less use of some things if your Son seems OK about the idea of trying such a change - to see if as an older version of himself he still derives the same benefits.

I don't mean the emphasis is on dropping things as a goal.  Rather, the quest is to double-check the strategies still serve your Son well - versus, would something else work more appropriately for him now.

For instance, going to the Supermarket:

- would he be able to feel included (like he seemed to on the school trip) if he were able to have an achievable responsibility as part of participation in "grocery shopping"? 

- Please hold our shopping list (let's see what item we need next), please hold the shopping bags which we will need at the checkout, please put this tin / can into the shopping trolley / cart, please say "thank you" to the cashier when we are ready to leave the supermarket, please help me to put our shopping in the car or into the kitchen when we arrive home from the Supermarket (or similar things - adjusted for age / capability / likely interests of your Son).

Kids want to fit in with their peer group. That may account for him not wanting to wear ear defenders in school, so he does not look different. You don't say how old your son is. My experience is that primary-age kids are often more tolerant of differences, but as they get to secondary age they can form cliques. The question is, is he masking effectively in school?    Can you talk to him and ask whether he really doesn't need them in school, or whether he doesn't want to appear different from his peers? It also depends on the attitude of the staff.

Lau said:

At school as soon as he gets into class he takes them off and he doesn’t wear them.

I think this is because he will want to hear the teacher and also does not want to stand out too much. Elsewhere he will wear them to reduce the load on his senses so he can relax more.

Lau said:

At home we use visuals and a daily planner he will ask what’s next etc and we go through his planner but In school they say oh he doesn’t really bother with visuals. 

I imagine there is less need to track what he has to do at school since the teacher will take care of all this for him.

Lau said:

If we go to the supermarket he is in his disability buggy but school have taken him to the shops and he’s walked around the store apparently with no issues. 

It may be worth trying to wean him off this to see if he has grown beyond the need for it. It may be he felt safe with his teacher and classmates with him yet while with you you are taking care of the shopping and he feels like he is just being dragged along so wants to make it as comfortable as he can.

That would be my thoughts based on what you have written

I'm only making an educated guess here...

My wife pointed out a seeming contradiction with me in that I don't like noisey places, but am OK at a very loud music gig (let's ignore the crowd for now, I have other coping mechanisms for that). This bothered me because on the surface she was right.

After some thought, I realised it's because at a gig, I know the songs. I know what to expect. The music being loud pretty much drowns out any other noises so it's all I can hear. This is not the case with other noisy places.

I am in my 50s and it took me a lot of thought to realise that and be able to express it.

Your child may also have learned the familiar noises of school. They may have learned the timetable, so there are no great surprises. They may not be able to express this though.