refusing to apologise

If it was me, I would email the teacher on my son's behalf stating that I do not give permission for my son to do this, I take responsibility for this decision and is he aware that I have an outpouring of support on an autism forum...which would make a nice story for the media...

Maybe throw in how it's against his human rights too, is he aware that he has contravened them by listening to your son's private conversation...

Quick update for those interested. My son told me this morning that he has to write an apology email to his teacher today.  What I am shocked by is that the order came from the director of Sen at his school.

He said to me this morning that he could not understand why he has to apologize when what he says is true. 

I will be raising this with the school later today, although I know the tutors look out for each other's backs.

My personal desire for justice is so strong, and my belief in right and wrong, that I would never apologise if it wasn't warranted.  I couldn't do it for the sake of getting past the situation.  It may make me very stubborn and lacking empathy (par for the course) but I just can't do it.

Sorry, to explain, When the rest of the world seems to run in circles being politically correct but telling lies I get fed up of the pettiness of whats going on. At those times I may choose to agree or apologise to cut through all the **** and try and set a new focus. That's what I meant by stratagy game. 

In the school situation I may think that the most important thing is my learning. To learn I need a stable situation and need to bring the teacher back in line. The simplist way to achieve this is to give an elequent unequivical apology to the wider audience (and also the teacher) so cutting the ground from under his feet. It's cold calculated logic (with a touch of revenge) but serves my purpose well. It's how my brain is wired, the simplist route from A to B without any of that grey fuzzy emotional stuff. 

In hindsight I don't think thats really the sort of thing we should be teaching kids or holding up as an example.

Dunk

I can't even get my eldest to apologise to her younger sister when she's been mean.  And If I make her, she accompanies it with the rider "But I don't mean it"!

You beat me to it IntenseWorld. Strategy Games.....what's that?

I know, eventually such things were explained to me and I gradually picked up on it ......by which time I was fifties.

If you are not socially engaged, and picking up clues from others, the "strategy game" doesn't come naturally.

As IntenseWorld says, black and white thinking. Diplomacy wont come easy.

dunk-in-biscuit said:

Your son may well be able to accept making an apology when he views it from the viewpoint of the "greater good" that it would unlock. (i.e. play the strategy game!)

That would be a very rare Aspie indeed...

(Aspies usually have a strong desire for justice, black and white thinking, are unable to express emotions they don't mean and don't partake - or have any desire to partake - in social games).

Can I just add a comment that "apologising" for some folks can be very difficult and it's not just about losing face or saying you were wrong. When you go to apologise you have to lower your defences and you have no way of knowing if the other person will retaliate. For someone who needs to rehearse or predict a situation that is a very vulnerable situation and can be a step too far. For me, I would often prefere to say nothing and hope that it all blows over in a few days time. (No surprise I have a trail of broken friendships strewn behind me.) 

We are not saying to the school that behaving badly is acceptable but lets be very certain about what the crime was and what it wasn't. To do that the school needs to drop the politics and look at the facts. Your son may well be able to accept making an apology when he views it from the viewpoint of the "greater good" that it would unlock. (i.e. play the strategy game!)

Another possibility is that your son has taken someone else's remark to literally - eg so and so is a useless teacher might be taken by him as an informed comment.

And for similar reasons his peers may feed him a line like that because they know he might repeat it for their entertainment.

But the other thing to check for is teachers bullying him because they don't take his disability seriously. Your son's impression of his teaching may be because that teacher treats him less respectfully.

Also, sadly it is true, some teachers really cannot teach. They may have been able to do so once and lost their nerve (facing a class of unruly unresponsive pupils can be soul destroying), or they may be lazy about preparation or lesson plans such that they don't get things across well or confuse their pupils.

And then again why cannot pupils express an opinion? Why should your son apologise for saying his teacher cannot teach. That's for the school to address a possible deficiency in one of its staff, not for a pupil to need to apologise.

If the school is employing teachers who cannot teach, and leave that impression on pupils, it aint good.

The teacher should be more autism aware, and should be less sensitive. It is the tutor's issue for taking a remark so personally.

Hi - in the end it was an overheard remark, not meant for the teacher to hear so I think that does make a difference.  We are all entitled to our opinions.  Do you know why your son thinks this teacher can't teach?  If that question can be answered then, unless it caused more offence then an explanation might poss be helpful as it may be the teaching style - maybe not "autism friendly?"  A quiet chat between the teacher and you might then help.  Hope I'm not being overly optimistic here.

Your son (in my opinion) should not be apologising for saying something that was to someone else just because his tutor happened to overhear.  Would the tutor approach an adult who said something not for their ears in confidentiality to someone else and ask them to apologise?  That's my view, of course it may not be popular...

I would just call the tutor, say that of course it's regretful that he overheard your son's opinion, but he wasn't disrespecting him because he had no idea the tutor overheard and everyone is entitled to their opinion, adult or child.

Hey,

What a nightmare situation! I haven't been through that myself as my wee man is just 4 but I can see what a dilemma you have there.

The thing that stands out to me is should we teach any of our children to lie and apologise for something when they have nothing to be sorry about? Your child wasn't being rude to the teacher, it was a private conversation which was overheard and he is entitled to his opinion....!!! What I would try and explain to him is that he can feel sorry that the teacher overheard it; that's different from apologising for holding the view if that makes sense?

Also, I would say the teacher needs to grow up! Children both NT and ASD hold opinions which can be hurtful - teachers are the adults here and need to act like it!! If you are called in, I would say to the teacher that your son is entitled to hold a private opinion, even if it's not one that others agree with and it doesn't warrant an apology. I would see however if you could persuade your son to apologise to the teacher for not being more discreet and hurting their feelings.....

Don't know if any of this helps at all - good luck :)