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Family Matters & Asperger's Syndrome

HollyP85

Hi!

I received the news a week ago that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome. She has trouble with feelings & emotions and communicating them and also struggles with change in routines, although not in all circumstances (e.g. she moved school 8 months ago as we had moved house & we were walking 5 miles to school and 5 miles home-we did this for 6 months before she got a place at a school just around the corner-when she moved school she was fine with it, settled in very well but could be because she had had a long time to get used to the idea and it also meant we no longer had to get up at stupid o clock to be at school on time lol)

My real question/argh (and what I'm requiring advice on even if it's just people's personal experience) is how this will affect family court. My daughter stopped seeing her father when she was 2 as he emotionally abused her. He took it back to court and in September 2012 he was given access rights (supervised) It took just over 1 year (until October 2013) to progress to unsupervised contact (so as you can see it was very slow going based on my daughter's needs) however, in December 2013 court decided that it should progress from 4 hours unsupervised to 8 hours for the month of January, 1 overnight for the month of February progressing to 2 overnights in March & continue at that pace (every 2 weeks)

My daughter 'accepted' the 8 hours as much as possible, she wasn't happy about it, wrote homework saying it was making her sad etc and told her father she did not want to stay overnight. She started becoming violent, unsettled, wouldn't sleep, destructive, withdrawn etc etc. I therefore cancelled overnight & said I would take it back to court to have it reassessed because in my mind, this is no good for her to be that distressed and I stated at court it was too much too soon but nobody would listen.

I have now been told her father is going for residency stating I am "emotionally harming" her. I have in the past been blamed for the slowness of progress & a report was written saying if it didn't progress residency should be looked at. They said they would not take into account possible Asperger's hampering the progress because at that time there was no diagnosis (although she was undergoing the assessment) and therefore it must be me emotionally harming her and telling her not to go (I would like to add I have never done this. I have always encouraged, to the best of my ability, the contact and always encouragedmy daughter to do what she can manage.)

My real question is, does anyone know/have experience of court proceedings such as this? Her father has refused to accept that it could be the Asperger's stating he is doing what is in my daughter's best interest (by trying to force overnight stays) however, my daughter is adamant she will not even go anywhere near him if she thinks she will not return home the same day.

She has never slept over anywhere alone (please note this is not through lack of trying!!) she won't sleep at her grandparents/aunties/anywhere (people who she has known and been with her entire life) and I have made court aware of this but they would not listen. Could this be a side to the Asperger's (refusing to sleep anywhere I am not) ? I don't know that I have done the right thing by fighting this battle, I am terrified I will lose the residency battle purely because nobody seems to understand that pushing and forcing a situation will not make it happen any faster but instead may hamper!

I feellike I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place, I'm glad the diagnosis has come through as my daughter will get the support she needs in the area she struggles however, even though *I* understand Asperger's, I do not think anyone else involved in this does and that worries me :(

  • Iw.  I agree, but I know of at least 2 different sets of fathers who have bshaved in this way. None of them returned the children sooner out of concern.  None of them mentioned the fact that the child has eaten nothing all day.  On father would  put the lunch box the mother provided in a bin in front of the child.  It does happen, and it is not right.  

  • I believe a big issue for my daughter is that she knows he will not allow her to return home if she gets upset/anxious. She has clearly stated that in writing & also that she is so far away (he lives approx. 100 miles from home) from home worries her. The blatant fact he is so disregarding towards her feelings & emotions speaks volumes to me but sadly that seems to be a mothers instinct thing to realise that rather than anything else. The fact he would also remove her from school/friends & family just because contact is not progressing as fast as he would like  also shouts out about his selfishness :(

  • @Hotel california: HollyP85 did also say that she gave her daughter food to bring with her and the ex wasn't even giving her that, so it's not even a question of her not liking whatever food he offered.  He has somehow not acted responsibly.  If you have a young child who will not eat, it's not rocket science that you need to get to the bottom of why.  Even if the child is not hungry for one meal, that doesn't mean for the whole range of meals for the duration, that should tell anyone, Aspie or not, that the child is anxious or unwell.  That said, it follows that questioning such as "is there a reason you don't want to eat sweetheart" or "is there something else that would help you to eat" and if the child is anxious over missing mum then a good father would return her to mum's just to be sure she ate properly, no matter how grating that was for him.  This shows neglect that he has allowed this state of affairs to continue to get what he wants, in my eyes, ignoring the needs of the child.

  • Hotel california said:

    Hi again 

    Just read your recent posts.  I agree with intense world that you are possibly coming across as overly anxious in the eyes of your ex and he maybe using this to his advantage, and more than likely voicing his concerns.  

    I would suggest that firstly you avoid face to face discussions whilst this court case in going on.  I have a feeling that this upsets you and no one should have to put up with it.  You may find it easier to communicate via email, that way you both have time to reflect on what the other has to say before responding.  It may also take some of the sting out of the exchanges.  

    're cafcass.  As they are seen by the courts as neutral, their opinion counts for a lot so it is never a good idea to alienate them.  Try to find  way to work with them.  

    're not feeding your child on visits.  It maybe that she doesn't like what he has offered her in the past and so as not to upset her dad she has said she is not hungry.  This may now be a habit as it is less stressful for her.  I know many aspie fathers who would assume the child is not hungry if that's what they say and will be bewildered and angered when accused of starving by intent.  

    Finally try and meet other families with asd children.  Parents who understand the behaviours you face will give you strength in your convictions.

    Keep in touch, I'll keep looking out for your posts.  Also try and do something for yourself over the next few days to lift your spirits.  I always find volunteering helps me.

    We never talk face to face, every conversation is via email/text message. Her father agreed to stick with 8 hours (in writing) and then changed his mind at the last minute because he "knew what was best for [her]" that was when the threat of residency came because I fought him & said we had a written agreement to stick to 8 hours until comfortable (which did go against the court order but mutually agreed between ourselves I believed was better than having to go back to court??) but my solicitor has said because that agreement broke the order it won't be listened to. He also then said he wouldn't have contact unless it was overnight and he would not see her if it was just for 8 hours that doesn't even make sense to me (again this is all in writing) because not seeing himwould only delay contact progessing even more

  • I don't believe there is currently a CAFCASS officer on the case any more. In the last report she wrote she said she did not feel her involvement was necessary any more unless the court decreed otherwise at the hearing (which they didn't) I had numerous conversations with CAFCASS regarding the fact that whilst I had concerns about cnotact I did not wish for it to be stopped (as obvoiusly my daughter could then feel rejected?) I have told SS the same when they were involved & my solicitor the same. I am not hostile towards the contact per se, I just believe that until he can prove himself to be capable to looking after her (giving her food for starters!!) for a day, contact should not progress to overnight as if he cannot manage to feed her 1 meal (lunch) how can he be trusted to feed her 5 meals of one overnight visit and it also needs to progress at a pace that my daughter can manage which it clearly is not at the minute (on the other forum they are saying that my daughter will be removed from my care because I am hostile towards contact I am constantly defending myself and it's appalling I think I will remove my post because they are not offering advice just negative this this and this)

  • Hi again 

    Just read your recent posts.  I agree with intense world that you are possibly coming across as overly anxious in the eyes of your ex and he maybe using this to his advantage, and more than likely voicing his concerns.  

    I would suggest that firstly you avoid face to face discussions whilst this court case in going on.  I have a feeling that this upsets you and no one should have to put up with it.  You may find it easier to communicate via email, that way you both have time to reflect on what the other has to say before responding.  It may also take some of the sting out of the exchanges.  

    're cafcass.  As they are seen by the courts as neutral, their opinion counts for a lot so it is never a good idea to alienate them.  Try to find  way to work with them.  

    're not feeding your child on visits.  It maybe that she doesn't like what he has offered her in the past and so as not to upset her dad she has said she is not hungry.  This may now be a habit as it is less stressful for her.  I know many aspie fathers who would assume the child is not hungry if that's what they say and will be bewildered and angered when accused of starving by intent.  

    Finally try and meet other families with asd children.  Parents who understand the behaviours you face will give you strength in your convictions.

    Keep in touch, I'll keep looking out for your posts.  Also try and do something for yourself over the next few days to lift your spirits.  I always find volunteering helps me.

  • Record all future meetings and telephone calls with CAFCASS (secretly).  You can't fight a dirty enemy with good.  Get evidence.

    Why would they side with the father though?  The mother is usually the better caregiver and would be more likely to stay at home to care for a child than a father who is more traditionally the bread-winner.  The mother is usually more intuitive with the child too.

    I think sadly, there is a lot of mysogeny from the state.  It's easier for them to paint the mother as a neurotic/unstable/mentally ill/incompetent parent than it is the father.

    Perhaps adopt a more hard face, don't ever show emotion to them, appear reasonable and just do what you need to do in the background.  Perhaps don't even warn them until you really have to reveal your case, as otherwise they will try to find ways to answer it if they have enough time.

  • Sadly it hasbeen the same the whole way through, CAFCASS have belittled me & said the sun shines out of my exes bum (to be polite) it has been like that since day 1 sadly (and  even in the words of SS) CAFCASS choose a side (even though they shouldn't) and do everything in favour of that side (and normally that side is the father's)

  • And please, please contact that solicitor or one with similar expertise!

  • How is depriving a child of food not being malicious?  How is it then that all these ridiculous accusations they make against parents of "emotional harm" worthy of taking children away if those aren't malicious?

    This is strange logic.  I would really get copies of all records on your daughter that you can, because when you are being given strange answers like that it speaks to me of something going on behind your back that you are not aware of and is potentially regarding blaming you (even more than you are aware of).  They could be painting you as mentally unstable or something.  When they are excusing terrible actions of your ex to you in this way, this tells me that they are fobbing you off because they don't believe you and this means they have formed a particular opinion of you.  Otherwise why would a department meant to protect the child brush off her father starving her?

    I really think you ought to request copies of al CAFCASS and social services files on your daughter and perhaps health records (if you haven't already).

    As you said you have previously complained 4 times, they may be trying to make you out as complaining due to being a serial complainer due to mental illness.  I don't want to scare you but you need to be fully armed and aware so that you can fight any dirty tactics going on behind the scenes.

    When you request records, ask for:

    1. Copies of all records, handwritten AND computerised.

    2. Copies of all e-mails, faxes, letters etc.

    3. Copies of all telephone messages

    4. Copies of all internal memo's

    5. Copies of all contact logs from any contact centres

    6. Copies of all "Running Sheets" (day to day log)

    And you really need to get video evidence of your daughter coming home starving, with a witness there so they can't say you coached her or staged it.

    You can't fight a dirty war unless you are fully aware of all the background machinations.  And if your character has been maligned you need to request records are amended, according to the Data Protection Act 1998.

  • It is her father, when she visits him she does not eat between breakfast & tea (I send ehr with food but he does not allow her to eat it) CAFCASS are aware that this is taking place however will not do anything about it.They state he "doesn't do it maliciously" therefore should not be held responsible

    I have tried to explain so much to court, CAFCASS, her father, everyone involved that change is very difficult for her but they constantly say it is not change it is me causing this slowness (Mainly CAFCASS & father but court listen to CAFCASS over anyone else)

    I just honestly can't see how I am expected to sit back and force an issue such as this, especially when it is having such a negative impact (my daughter ha stated she will not go with her father if she will not be back the same day) on the contact, but nobody is seeing that. I do not wish to stop contact I wish to slow it until such a stage that my daughter is ready for any advancement :(

    My daughter has wrote at school about being sad. A large premise is that at home she has a rabbit & 2 guinea pigs which she cares for and she finds it exceptionally difficult to not be with them (my daughter relates to animals much better than people and will sit & talk to animals for hours, when she is distressed/anguished, the animals will calm her down, they are a therapy for her) Yesterday she also said (when I say said I mean wrote as this is how she communicates her feelings) that she knows at home she is safe and if she is sad she can come sraight to me so it sounds to me like trust issues. Her father lives 100 miles away & has clearly said he would not allow her to come home early from over night contact if she were to become distressed x

  • I cannot believe any decent mum would give such bad advice to you.  Perhaps some of them are trolls.  If everyone just rolled over and accepted miscarriages of justice then they are giving carte blanche for it to continue.

    You have to do what is right for your daughter and yourself.

    Who is preventing your daughter eating?  You need to urgently seek independent advice on this as this is neglect whoever is causing it.

    People on the autistic spectrum often don't like change and this could be why your daughter has refused to sleep outside of the home.  Often, a child with autism will cling to the person they trust the most and feel safest with, often the mother.  Mothers often have the best understanding of the child, they gave birth to them and were the most close caregiver for all of the child's life.  No-one can understand a bond between a mother and child except that mother and child.  And of course you would be anxious over this situation, don't listen to thse armchair philosophisers.

    From what you have said you are a caring mother in tune with your daughter and looking out for her needs.  All these departments (SS, CAFCASS) are supposed to be about the child's rights and needs above everyone else's.  Perhaps they need reminding of this fact.  You really need to get independent evidence that your daughter is unhappy with whatever she is unhappy with so they cannot challenge it.

    Also, please do contact that solicitor (http://www.maxwellgillott.com/news-sept09-compensation-aspergers-syndrome-child.htm) as you clearly need someone with expertise in autism.

  • Well you should point out that an opinion is just someone's viewpoint in that case and a viewpoint is highly challengable and likely wrong.  If you get expert opinions from psychologists etc. that is more substantial than an opinion as it's from a qualified person.

    Regarding CAFCASS:

    https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/professionals/human-rights.aspx

    Article 6: Right to a fair trial.

    There must be access to a court or tribunal that is independent and impartial. A hearing must be within a reasonable time and there must be a sense of "fair balance" between the parties, with each party being afforded a reasonable opportunity to present their case.

    There must be disclosure of documents to ensure that all parties have all the information available. Every party must have the opportunity to have knowledge of and to comment upon the evidence adduced by the other parties.

    There is the right to a public hearing, although at present children's cases are heard in private. There should be a reasoned decision given by the court for decisions reached.

    Article 8: Right to respect for private and family life.

    There is a positive obligation on the state to ensure an effective respect for this right. However, this is a qualified right which means there can be interferences with an individual's family life provided the interference is:

    a) lawful
    b) must serve a legitimate purpose
    c) be necessary in a democratic society and
    d) must not be discriminatory


    Article 17: Prohibition of abuse of rights.

    http://ukhumanrightsblog.com/tag/cafcass/

    http://everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/emotional-abuse-parental-responsibility-and-cafcass/ (this link is now broken, whole website is down)

    https://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/abuse_of_care_proceedings_phso_a

    A bit of Googling will bring up a lot more.  Arm yourself with knowledge and any solicitor that tells you they won't help with CAFCASS needs replacing!

  • Some of those links aren't working but I will try again later, I have spent 2 days gathering things to take to my solicitor on Wednesday, I just hope that she fights my corner like she has said or will helpme find someone who will. I have posted this on another forum & people are saying "well you should just accept it's going to happen" and that I am clearly anxious. But honestly, who wouldn't be anxious with the amount of distress it's causing their child or when their child comes home so hungry they can't walk because they haven't been allowed lunch & the people on the other forum (its a mums forum) have told me I should not be fighting & I should be forcing my daughter to go to overnights despite the distress & the concerns.

    Does anyone here think that is the case? Am I fighting a battle that I shouldn't be because I am trying to be considerate to my daughter? I am not trying to stop contact Iam trying to slow it down to help my daughter get used to the idea & to help her along with it. Is that wrong of me? Please answer honestly :'(

  • No I don't speak to his family. Even when we were in a relationship they never wanted anything to do with me. They were just as bad as he was, he was allowed to go see them but I wasn't to go with him (which he accepted) they never even made the effort to have a relationship with my daughter, she is 7 and she has never met them even when we were together x

  • It is possible that he is in denial about the diagnosis and he may never accept what anyone says to the contrary.  If this is the case he is going to blame you no matter what. 

    Are  you  on speaking terms with his family?  I am  assuming that as they already have a son diagnosed they may be able to talk to your ex, he may be  receptive to their suggestions.

  • He wouldn't get a diagnosis because he is trying to blame me for her having Asperger's saying I have caused it (even though he is aware that that isn't what happens) I will mention it to my solicitor on Wednesday when I see her along with a specialist solicitor who deals with these kinds of cases.

    I never as such had a problem with SS it has been CAFCASS and I have complained abut them 4 times never with any success :( They told me "of course reports are based on opinions what else would they be based upon" so I stated facts would be a good place to start & I keep being told that no, CAFCASS reports are based upon opinions!! My solicitor will not get involved with the disputes with CAFCASS & stated it is my job to deal with that, not hers :( x

  • ...It also might be worth thinking about whether you have any friends or family who have ever witnessed your ex's behaviour with your daughter or her reaction either at the time or afterwards as a result of it.  If there is any way you can secretly record visits that might help.

  • HollyP85 said:
    Sadly its already in court (has been an ongoing case) so media will not be interested Frown

    Thank you for your support and advice it's very much appreciated xx

    If you don't mind the publicity, then you can check because unless you try you won't know.

  • You can ask for copies of all the SS records, health records, CAMHS records etc. and did you keep copies of the stuff you sent or was recorded by the GP?

    You can ask for specific reasons which pages were removed and why.

    You are perfectly within your rights to complain to the council about SS and start quoting the Data Protection Act 1998 which means they have a duty to keep accurate records, so unsubstantiated opinions against you should be removed (and you can ask them to be removed/corrected).

    If they don't play ball you can complain to these people: http://ico.org.uk/complaints/handling

    Also, you can involve a solicitor in this.  Show them you are not a pushover and know your stuff.