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Family Matters & Asperger's Syndrome

HollyP85

Hi!

I received the news a week ago that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome. She has trouble with feelings & emotions and communicating them and also struggles with change in routines, although not in all circumstances (e.g. she moved school 8 months ago as we had moved house & we were walking 5 miles to school and 5 miles home-we did this for 6 months before she got a place at a school just around the corner-when she moved school she was fine with it, settled in very well but could be because she had had a long time to get used to the idea and it also meant we no longer had to get up at stupid o clock to be at school on time lol)

My real question/argh (and what I'm requiring advice on even if it's just people's personal experience) is how this will affect family court. My daughter stopped seeing her father when she was 2 as he emotionally abused her. He took it back to court and in September 2012 he was given access rights (supervised) It took just over 1 year (until October 2013) to progress to unsupervised contact (so as you can see it was very slow going based on my daughter's needs) however, in December 2013 court decided that it should progress from 4 hours unsupervised to 8 hours for the month of January, 1 overnight for the month of February progressing to 2 overnights in March & continue at that pace (every 2 weeks)

My daughter 'accepted' the 8 hours as much as possible, she wasn't happy about it, wrote homework saying it was making her sad etc and told her father she did not want to stay overnight. She started becoming violent, unsettled, wouldn't sleep, destructive, withdrawn etc etc. I therefore cancelled overnight & said I would take it back to court to have it reassessed because in my mind, this is no good for her to be that distressed and I stated at court it was too much too soon but nobody would listen.

I have now been told her father is going for residency stating I am "emotionally harming" her. I have in the past been blamed for the slowness of progress & a report was written saying if it didn't progress residency should be looked at. They said they would not take into account possible Asperger's hampering the progress because at that time there was no diagnosis (although she was undergoing the assessment) and therefore it must be me emotionally harming her and telling her not to go (I would like to add I have never done this. I have always encouraged, to the best of my ability, the contact and always encouragedmy daughter to do what she can manage.)

My real question is, does anyone know/have experience of court proceedings such as this? Her father has refused to accept that it could be the Asperger's stating he is doing what is in my daughter's best interest (by trying to force overnight stays) however, my daughter is adamant she will not even go anywhere near him if she thinks she will not return home the same day.

She has never slept over anywhere alone (please note this is not through lack of trying!!) she won't sleep at her grandparents/aunties/anywhere (people who she has known and been with her entire life) and I have made court aware of this but they would not listen. Could this be a side to the Asperger's (refusing to sleep anywhere I am not) ? I don't know that I have done the right thing by fighting this battle, I am terrified I will lose the residency battle purely because nobody seems to understand that pushing and forcing a situation will not make it happen any faster but instead may hamper!

I feellike I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place, I'm glad the diagnosis has come through as my daughter will get the support she needs in the area she struggles however, even though *I* understand Asperger's, I do not think anyone else involved in this does and that worries me :(

  • Hi again

    My heart goes out to you.  It is much a horrible, worrying situation for you and your daughter.

    It is interesting that your ex's brother has aspergers, I don't assume your ex will get a diagnosis will he?  Knowing if he has Aspergers will not only help him but also help put things into perspective for all concerned, including the courts.  I am not saying that aspies do not make good parents, many do, but the way that you communicate with him may need to change in order for you all to reach a workable solution.

    Kathy Marshack has a website that has a section on High Conflict Divorce and parenting issues which you may find useful.  she can also be contacted for advice.

    Keep strong you will get through this.

    x

  • Sadly its already in court (has been an ongoing case) so media will not be interested :(

    Thank you for your support and advice it's very much appreciated xx

  • This is exactly it! My ex has laughed at my daughter when she has told him she does not want to sleep overnight. He just laughed and told her she will be fine. She then came home and was so upset that he had laughed but he said she wasn't, but it's because emotionally she struggles to express how she feels correctly but he doesn't / won't understand that.


    CAFCASS have been the bane of my life since the court case started. They told me there was no "evidence" of emotional abusefrom her father at 2 (it was there in the doctors files but they removed the pages!!) and he didn't deserve to not see my daughter and that he deserved a "second chance" they also said the things he did to me were "unnecessary worries" because how he treated me was not an indication of how he would treat my daughter (I raised that it was his character to do these things and they said maybe to adults but that doesn't mean he would do the same with a child!) They've never listened to a word I have said but have listened to everything :( They clearly stated in their report that Social Services have worries about me...Social Services came out once based on a GPs recommendations because the contact was worrying my daughter so much that she had stopped eating an the GP was worried. SS then closd the case. When I read the CAFCASS report I called SS and they said "we would not have closed the case if the worker had had any worries about you and the case is close which means there are no concerns"

  • Stay strong, I know it's horrendous, and I really feel for you, but you really need to take control now and instruct a lawyer who is very experienced in this area.  Perhaps keep in mind the media in the background in case things go pear-shaped.  I know once things get into family courts it's all secret and you can't speak out, but perhaps before that point...

  • ...you might like these autism quotes:

    http://www.larry-arnold.net/Autonomy/index.php/autonomy/article/view/9/21

    “They judge me on the bit they can see and what they are able to see sadly will itself be limited by their own conditioning…” (Lyte)

    http://www.aettraininghubs.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/1_So-what-exactly-is-autism.pdf

    “…right from the start, from the time someone came up with the word ‘autism’, the condition has been judged from the outside, by its appearances, and not from the inside according to how it is experienced.” (Williams, 1996: 14).

  • CAFCASS are a monster out of control in this country.  Until all services understand autism miscarriages of justice (in every way) will continue.

    You really do need the most clued up solicitor you can get to sort this.

    One thing to remember, is that any professional judging your daughter's reactions and responses by neurotypical standards (which they will be) will be making wrong inferences.

    People with autism often don't show their true emotion on their face, either having flat affect, or e.g. as in both my daughter's cases they can be quite upset but be laughing because they don't know what else to do.  Even when their dad teases or upsets them he thinks it's all a joke and they are handling it but I can see they are panicking and about to cry because he won't stop.

    I also have Asperger's myself so I know what I'm talking about.

  • My daughter is 7, CAFCASS have asked her wishes and feelings on seeing her dad for the 4 hours; she said she seemed "happy" to do this (my daughter cannnot verbalise her feelings and nothing was written down so how this came about I do not know) and did not raise overnight contact with her just said because she was happy with 4 hours contact it was proof she would want to stay overnight (that doesn't even make sense in my head!)

    My ex's brother hasbeen diagnosed with Asperger's (I have read a few things that say it may be hereditary) so I presume there could be some link there, but he is adamantly refusing to accept my daughter's ill feelings & behaviour, he blatantly said this morning that I am playing "emotional games"  I am not and I never have! I am trying to make him see how his forcing the issue is having a negative emotional impact yet he refuses to see it! I'm just honestly at the end of my tether.

    My daughter has in the past written her feelings down (this is the only way she can express how she feels and even then it is very limited & takes a long long time) however I have been accused of "making her write" what I want her to write whic I never have (this again was CAFCASS) ofte she will write things when nobody is around & then leave it on my pillow for me to read when I go to bed


    Thank you for the solicitor link, I have been looking for one myself when I discovered what he was going to do, I will give them a call on Monday, I don't believe my solicitor is knowledgeable on Asperger's and I don't believe she will be able to make the court understand just how it affects children.

    CAFCASS' sole "emotional abuse" call was purely based on the length of time it had taken to progress contact, however surely now someone has to listen that the length of time is just my daughter's way of needing the time and has nothing to do with me? I don't know how to get that across because once that is realised surely the whole "emotional abuse" case has to be null & void because that was their argument! I'm so confused and worried :( x

  • Join this organisation:

    https://www.facebook.com/PPPC.UK?fref=pb&hc_location=profile_browser

    There is a firm specialising in legal rights of children mentioned on their FB page:

    http://www.justforkidslaw.org/who-we-are/575-2

    Do some research on autism behaviours with the NAS and other official organisations and print out relevant information.  Build a file.

    Very importantly, get your daughter to write down what she feels and why.  Even if she has trouble identifying her emotions, something in writing from her will show you are not making it up.

    My daughter was traumatised by her school due to bullying and lack of support, the school told our GP I was making it all up.  In the end she spoke to a variety of professionals about her feelings and I got her to write things down, even though she too struggled to identify all the reasons school made her feel like that.  Even in the face of all this our GP persisted to accuse me.

    I have just got copies of our health records and have put in a complaint about our GP because he made OTT referrals to social services (saying I was obsessed with getting her diagnosed with Asperger's - she is now diagnosed with ASC) and it ended up with them talking about emotional harm.  It's pathetic, dangerous and this sort of false accusation has to stop.

    If you can, get expert opinion on issues like this in Asperger's, if you can get video evidence of her in a state saying she doesn't want to go to her dad's that might help.

    It's worth paying an independent psychologist to interview your daughter and produce a report.

    If necessary put in a complaint to the council if social services overstep the mark.

    Google "rights of the child" and lots of organisations will appear that you could contact.

  • Hi

    Depending on the age of child the court should take her wishes and feelings into account. There are now solicitor who specialize in cases of this sort specifically to do with aspergers.  A search on Google should help you locate one.  Have you considered that your ex may be on the spectrum?  This is something you could explore with your solicitor.  His inability to see things from her perspective could be due too mind blindness.

    Another option is to go down the mediation route this avoiding court costs.  @again it is important you find someone with asd awareness.  If he refuses this may go in your favour in court as it will demonstrate an unwillingness to resolve issue on his part.

    It is important that you keep school in the loop so that they are able to offer support, and help your child through this difficult time.