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Family Matters & Asperger's Syndrome

HollyP85

Hi!

I received the news a week ago that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome. She has trouble with feelings & emotions and communicating them and also struggles with change in routines, although not in all circumstances (e.g. she moved school 8 months ago as we had moved house & we were walking 5 miles to school and 5 miles home-we did this for 6 months before she got a place at a school just around the corner-when she moved school she was fine with it, settled in very well but could be because she had had a long time to get used to the idea and it also meant we no longer had to get up at stupid o clock to be at school on time lol)

My real question/argh (and what I'm requiring advice on even if it's just people's personal experience) is how this will affect family court. My daughter stopped seeing her father when she was 2 as he emotionally abused her. He took it back to court and in September 2012 he was given access rights (supervised) It took just over 1 year (until October 2013) to progress to unsupervised contact (so as you can see it was very slow going based on my daughter's needs) however, in December 2013 court decided that it should progress from 4 hours unsupervised to 8 hours for the month of January, 1 overnight for the month of February progressing to 2 overnights in March & continue at that pace (every 2 weeks)

My daughter 'accepted' the 8 hours as much as possible, she wasn't happy about it, wrote homework saying it was making her sad etc and told her father she did not want to stay overnight. She started becoming violent, unsettled, wouldn't sleep, destructive, withdrawn etc etc. I therefore cancelled overnight & said I would take it back to court to have it reassessed because in my mind, this is no good for her to be that distressed and I stated at court it was too much too soon but nobody would listen.

I have now been told her father is going for residency stating I am "emotionally harming" her. I have in the past been blamed for the slowness of progress & a report was written saying if it didn't progress residency should be looked at. They said they would not take into account possible Asperger's hampering the progress because at that time there was no diagnosis (although she was undergoing the assessment) and therefore it must be me emotionally harming her and telling her not to go (I would like to add I have never done this. I have always encouraged, to the best of my ability, the contact and always encouragedmy daughter to do what she can manage.)

My real question is, does anyone know/have experience of court proceedings such as this? Her father has refused to accept that it could be the Asperger's stating he is doing what is in my daughter's best interest (by trying to force overnight stays) however, my daughter is adamant she will not even go anywhere near him if she thinks she will not return home the same day.

She has never slept over anywhere alone (please note this is not through lack of trying!!) she won't sleep at her grandparents/aunties/anywhere (people who she has known and been with her entire life) and I have made court aware of this but they would not listen. Could this be a side to the Asperger's (refusing to sleep anywhere I am not) ? I don't know that I have done the right thing by fighting this battle, I am terrified I will lose the residency battle purely because nobody seems to understand that pushing and forcing a situation will not make it happen any faster but instead may hamper!

I feellike I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place, I'm glad the diagnosis has come through as my daughter will get the support she needs in the area she struggles however, even though *I* understand Asperger's, I do not think anyone else involved in this does and that worries me :(

  • Hi, I was wondering if anyone here has had experiences of family courts as an adult with autism? 

  • I wish you all the luck in the world. The courts actually got a "specialist" in to see over our case...and they said I had made up the problems I was having with my daughter (despite professionals seeing themselves) to try get court to see more favourably in my direction. So I honestly do wish you well!

    My court case is over. Finally. But it was a long hard slog. The court and professionals were that biased against me it took appealing to a senior judge to stop proceedings when my daughter's father admitted being a paedophile. Yes. Believe it or not. He admitted sexually assaulting a minor and the judge still would not stop proceedings to give him custody. When it went in front of the senior judge she was appalled his applications had been allowed to continue with his admission he was a paedophile and shut the whole case down. He is now in prison where he cannot hurt a child again.x

  • Hi all,

    I'm sorry to read about your situation HollyP85 - you can search through our directory to help find solicitors www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx

     

    Much as with medical advice, I would caution anyone from offering any advice that could be construed as being "legal advice", or making too many assumptions. 

  • I've been told I have until end of March before the residency hearing begins so hopefully that wil give enough time to get evidence together, my daughter is off school ill today so can't make that phone call but fingers cossed she's back tomrrow (she has this dreaded cold/sore throat/high temp thing that's going around poor thing :(

  • I don't know if you would need an IQ test with her being on the G&T register as that proves her intelligence levels.  If you wanted to you could see a psychologist to get her IQ tested though.  Perhaps the S&L person could make a sideways referral, or you could get it done privately.   The state will probably not send you off for NHS IQ test as they will only test what they think needs testing and they may not be interested in providing evidence for family court issues.  Try Googling something like "IQ test children" and your location to see what comes up.  All I would say to you is, that I wouldn't wait long to get any evidence you intend using in case it's too late.  Also, bear in mind they could also say that even if she's intelligent this is a different thing to her emotional maturity.  Perhaps look into it fully before you go ahead and certainly before spending any money or anything private.

  • No IQ test has been done but she is on the gifted & talented register at school, she reads at an unprecendented level her writing again is off the charts as is her maths she's amazingly clever :) How would I go about an IQ test? I have an appointment with the speech & language therapist in April where they have said I can ask for what intervention I require, obvoiusly support in being away from home is one thing but would that be something to mention to her do you think?

  • God, the more you say about your solicitor the more I think you should urgently replace her.

    If you have any psychological evaluations of your daughter's intellect (sometimes IQ is  tested as part of the ASC assessment) then ensure your (new!) solicitor makes heavy going of it and impresses on the judge and CAFCASS that you cannot compare an autistic 7yo to a neurotypical one and she is perfectly capable of knowing her mind.

    My then 8yo was tested to have the vocabulary of a 17yo.  They need a different rule book with autistic children.

  • It's been said via email & text from me to him, he agreed to start with then with less than 24 hours notice changed his mind. An official letter is going from my solicitor whenever she gets around to it

    And my daughter is very bright & I know full well she's capable of making her mind up lol just the court apparently don't believe it :(

  • Has the 8 hour contact been offered via official channels or just over the phone with no record?

    I believe 7 us old enough to know what they want, that's ridiculous.  And if she's high-functioning autistic then she is likely to be above average intelligence too.  They don't call such children "little professors" for nothing!

    Start handing autism information to all these people!

  • They say 7 is not old enough to "know their own mind"

    The court order is broken :( she is now supposed to be sleeping over however is not, my solicitor is putting for a court date but we're back in court in 3 weeks anyway and she said itmaynot get back in before then anyway I have offered 8 hour contact in the meantime but had no response other than "he says yuore breaking the court order & that will go against you"

  • ...and there was me thinking when children are old enough their opinion and feelings get heavily taken into account (in fact, I think in a link I posted earlier up the thread to a forum with a similar thread a legal person posted and said something along those lines - check back).

    Try to avoid breaking the court order, but is there no way your solicitor can challenge the court order before the court case, e.g. ask for it to be amended in the best interests of the child.  Just get someone you can to witness the train station hand over.

    Good luck calling that solicitor.  Stay strong, stay calm and stay focused.

  • I can't take anyone with me, we have to set off at 8am to be in place of meeting at 9am :\

    I can understand feedback, positive or negative, I understand that by breaking the court order I am in the wrong (however I also understand that we made an independent agreement between ourselves which he has decided he is no longer interested in whih makes me very very frustrated to say the least!) however I also know that if I forced the issue, contact would go backwards rather than forwards. My daughter has very very exact ideas-her world is very black & white, in her mind (as she has explained it to me) she sees him for 8 hours or she doesn't get on the train with him - thats what she says and then won't discuss either verbally or in writing because that is how she sees it. I keep getting told that "children do NOT dictate contact" however, if I force it, I am not only distressing my daughter to huge extents but also would be harming contact (nobody wants to see her when she is forced into something she is so dead set against and has not had time to get used to and with handover being in a train station if the worst happened I would fear for her safety being close to moving trains because when she flips, well its unbelievable unless you actually see it for yourself because she is usually very quiet) All I want is for some understanding not just from her father but from court/CAFCASS/solicitors that she needs time to get used to the idea. I personally have never heard of a case where it moves from 4 hours to 3 days in a month with any child

    And first thing on my list tomorrow is calling that solicitor, thank youx

  • In that case you should get rid but appoint a replacement solicitor to pass the case on before you do.  I can't stress this enough, at least give that one I posted the link for a call to discuss.  Your daughter is worth that.

  • I would suggest that next time he has contact you take a friend with you. Chances are he will be more civil towards you and more aware of your child needs to have a proper send off, because their is a witness, which can only be a good thing for your child.  If he is not influenced by having someone witnessing his  behaviour, then your friend  may be willing to write to the court regarding his behaviour, should it turn ugly.  Courts are more willing to hear independent reports rather than he said she said arguments.  

    Although it is really distressing for you to hear negative feedback, whatever you do must always be in the best interests of your child, as  long as you are clear on that you will be ok. 

  • I doubt my solicitor would do that shes a Monday-Friday 9-4 kinda person. My old solicitor was much better however she went on maternity leave & I got left with her :( My solicitor honestly is a "well you shouldn't be doing this you should be following the court order no matter what" kind of solicitor. She hasn't fouhgt my corner since she took over but has just pushed me to go along with everything to make me look good, I don't care about looking good I care about my daughter's wellbeing. She has said in the past that she agrees that *I* am delaying contact when I have stated that whats going on is ushing too fast too hard (as I said she's not great) agreeing with the CAFCASS officer, but as I explain time& time  again, they do not know my daughter like I do, they don't know her limits like I do. But because I get Legal Aid I don't beleive I can change solicitors apart from to a different one in the firm and I am not sure there are any others with the other one being on maternity leave

  • I think that warrants getting your solicitor to hide in the shadows (filming if needs be) to witness the fact that your daughter is resisting.

    Also, you should get your solititor to point out in your case that if he was dedicated to your daughter's best interests he would arrange to have her somewhere in the same town (a relative or friend) for the duration of the visit rather than taking her so far away.

    Get your solicitor (preferably a new one if the current one is a limp rag) to research information on how people with autism are more easily traumatised and more easily suffer PTSD so he is potentially having a long-lasting effect on her wellbeing.  Throw the book at him.  He sounds a selfish and ignorant man.  Just maintain your own calm at all times.  Come across composed, professional, a tad ironic if needs be, but don't lose your cool.

  • He doesn't come to my house, he does not have my address because I don't want him at my house (for starters if for arguments sake I hadn't had chance to tidy he would use that against me, or, as at the minute, the dogs are blowing their coat & there was fur everywhere, he would use that against me etc) We meet at the train station (where I assume there would be CCTV?) and handover on the platform. A couple of weeks ago my daughter was not particularly thilled at going (we were running late) and he grabbed her hand & pulled her on to the train without even giving either of us chance to say goodbye but because we were late literally he got on & the doors shut straight behind him (he spends half of the 8 hours contact he has on trains with her) He has in the past used physical force to get her to do what he wants so it would not be below him to drag her on to the train kicking & screaming

  • Hotel california said:
    For arguments sake what would happen if he turned up at your home and your child refused to go with him?  I can't see how he would be allowed to force her.  As long as you are not preventing him and it is her decision, what would happen?  I assume the courts could not have a  issue with you if you are not preventing this contact.

    That's true, and you could video it.  Although I guess he could say you turned her against him and told her to do it and it would be yet more proof of your emotional state!

  • For arguments sake what would happen if he turned up at your home and your child refused to go with him?  I can't see how he would be allowed to force her.  As long as you are not preventing him and it is her decision, what would happen?  I assume the courts could not have a  issue with you if you are not preventing this contact.