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Family Matters & Asperger's Syndrome

HollyP85

Hi!

I received the news a week ago that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome. She has trouble with feelings & emotions and communicating them and also struggles with change in routines, although not in all circumstances (e.g. she moved school 8 months ago as we had moved house & we were walking 5 miles to school and 5 miles home-we did this for 6 months before she got a place at a school just around the corner-when she moved school she was fine with it, settled in very well but could be because she had had a long time to get used to the idea and it also meant we no longer had to get up at stupid o clock to be at school on time lol)

My real question/argh (and what I'm requiring advice on even if it's just people's personal experience) is how this will affect family court. My daughter stopped seeing her father when she was 2 as he emotionally abused her. He took it back to court and in September 2012 he was given access rights (supervised) It took just over 1 year (until October 2013) to progress to unsupervised contact (so as you can see it was very slow going based on my daughter's needs) however, in December 2013 court decided that it should progress from 4 hours unsupervised to 8 hours for the month of January, 1 overnight for the month of February progressing to 2 overnights in March & continue at that pace (every 2 weeks)

My daughter 'accepted' the 8 hours as much as possible, she wasn't happy about it, wrote homework saying it was making her sad etc and told her father she did not want to stay overnight. She started becoming violent, unsettled, wouldn't sleep, destructive, withdrawn etc etc. I therefore cancelled overnight & said I would take it back to court to have it reassessed because in my mind, this is no good for her to be that distressed and I stated at court it was too much too soon but nobody would listen.

I have now been told her father is going for residency stating I am "emotionally harming" her. I have in the past been blamed for the slowness of progress & a report was written saying if it didn't progress residency should be looked at. They said they would not take into account possible Asperger's hampering the progress because at that time there was no diagnosis (although she was undergoing the assessment) and therefore it must be me emotionally harming her and telling her not to go (I would like to add I have never done this. I have always encouraged, to the best of my ability, the contact and always encouragedmy daughter to do what she can manage.)

My real question is, does anyone know/have experience of court proceedings such as this? Her father has refused to accept that it could be the Asperger's stating he is doing what is in my daughter's best interest (by trying to force overnight stays) however, my daughter is adamant she will not even go anywhere near him if she thinks she will not return home the same day.

She has never slept over anywhere alone (please note this is not through lack of trying!!) she won't sleep at her grandparents/aunties/anywhere (people who she has known and been with her entire life) and I have made court aware of this but they would not listen. Could this be a side to the Asperger's (refusing to sleep anywhere I am not) ? I don't know that I have done the right thing by fighting this battle, I am terrified I will lose the residency battle purely because nobody seems to understand that pushing and forcing a situation will not make it happen any faster but instead may hamper!

I feellike I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place, I'm glad the diagnosis has come through as my daughter will get the support she needs in the area she struggles however, even though *I* understand Asperger's, I do not think anyone else involved in this does and that worries me :(

Parents

  • Hotel california said:

    Hi again 

    Just read your recent posts.  I agree with intense world that you are possibly coming across as overly anxious in the eyes of your ex and he maybe using this to his advantage, and more than likely voicing his concerns.  

    I would suggest that firstly you avoid face to face discussions whilst this court case in going on.  I have a feeling that this upsets you and no one should have to put up with it.  You may find it easier to communicate via email, that way you both have time to reflect on what the other has to say before responding.  It may also take some of the sting out of the exchanges.  

    're cafcass.  As they are seen by the courts as neutral, their opinion counts for a lot so it is never a good idea to alienate them.  Try to find  way to work with them.  

    're not feeding your child on visits.  It maybe that she doesn't like what he has offered her in the past and so as not to upset her dad she has said she is not hungry.  This may now be a habit as it is less stressful for her.  I know many aspie fathers who would assume the child is not hungry if that's what they say and will be bewildered and angered when accused of starving by intent.  

    Finally try and meet other families with asd children.  Parents who understand the behaviours you face will give you strength in your convictions.

    Keep in touch, I'll keep looking out for your posts.  Also try and do something for yourself over the next few days to lift your spirits.  I always find volunteering helps me.

    We never talk face to face, every conversation is via email/text message. Her father agreed to stick with 8 hours (in writing) and then changed his mind at the last minute because he "knew what was best for [her]" that was when the threat of residency came because I fought him & said we had a written agreement to stick to 8 hours until comfortable (which did go against the court order but mutually agreed between ourselves I believed was better than having to go back to court??) but my solicitor has said because that agreement broke the order it won't be listened to. He also then said he wouldn't have contact unless it was overnight and he would not see her if it was just for 8 hours that doesn't even make sense to me (again this is all in writing) because not seeing himwould only delay contact progessing even more

Reply

  • Hotel california said:

    Hi again 

    Just read your recent posts.  I agree with intense world that you are possibly coming across as overly anxious in the eyes of your ex and he maybe using this to his advantage, and more than likely voicing his concerns.  

    I would suggest that firstly you avoid face to face discussions whilst this court case in going on.  I have a feeling that this upsets you and no one should have to put up with it.  You may find it easier to communicate via email, that way you both have time to reflect on what the other has to say before responding.  It may also take some of the sting out of the exchanges.  

    're cafcass.  As they are seen by the courts as neutral, their opinion counts for a lot so it is never a good idea to alienate them.  Try to find  way to work with them.  

    're not feeding your child on visits.  It maybe that she doesn't like what he has offered her in the past and so as not to upset her dad she has said she is not hungry.  This may now be a habit as it is less stressful for her.  I know many aspie fathers who would assume the child is not hungry if that's what they say and will be bewildered and angered when accused of starving by intent.  

    Finally try and meet other families with asd children.  Parents who understand the behaviours you face will give you strength in your convictions.

    Keep in touch, I'll keep looking out for your posts.  Also try and do something for yourself over the next few days to lift your spirits.  I always find volunteering helps me.

    We never talk face to face, every conversation is via email/text message. Her father agreed to stick with 8 hours (in writing) and then changed his mind at the last minute because he "knew what was best for [her]" that was when the threat of residency came because I fought him & said we had a written agreement to stick to 8 hours until comfortable (which did go against the court order but mutually agreed between ourselves I believed was better than having to go back to court??) but my solicitor has said because that agreement broke the order it won't be listened to. He also then said he wouldn't have contact unless it was overnight and he would not see her if it was just for 8 hours that doesn't even make sense to me (again this is all in writing) because not seeing himwould only delay contact progessing even more

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