Published on 12, July, 2020
My niece is 20 years old. We were so proud of her when she got into university to do a media degree. We believed that she successfully completed her first year but unbeknownst to us she actually did not make the grades and could not continue to the second year. She did not tell us she had lost her place at university but went back in the second year and did nothing. We found out and she is now back at home. She has zero motivation and refuses to find jobs or alternate courses. It’s as if she’s lost and just sits in her bedroom on her phone. Communication with her mother is dire and my sister is at her wits end. I am on this forum to ask whether anyone has advice on either a buddying or mentoring service for her. Many thanks
Maybe some therapy would help your niece, who likely feels bad about herself and where she is in life at the moment. I've heard that there are some online therapy services, that people can just talk or message or video chat a therapist online. They are paid services though, but talking to a therapist online might be better for someone who is shut in. I think that after she gets past those negative emotions, she can be a more productive person.
I've heard stories of people pretending to go to university, and it's just because they don't want to let their family down and disappoint them. But university can be such a lonely place, and the workload can be a lot. Also, transitioning from being a teenager into being a young adult can be scary, but hopefully with some support, she can find her way.
I will add: due to difficulty with organisation, planning and other Executive function difficulties along with sensing time as momentary rather than chronological, the way school is structured can be like being thrown into a space suit and sent to man the station without any prep or training. Especially if we weren't helped with conscious and intentional rules to navigate around these difficulties. Francesca Happe held a talk recently on the changes in understanding Autism and specifically how girls and women are more impacted https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnU01HBN6zg Even with a diagnosis, it seems to me like most just still don't know the extraordinary difference in thinking, perceiving and navigating life. There are are even a few polarities in what motivates us.
Often by the time Autistic kids reach this age in society they tap out. We're a complete mismatch - and the way society has changed since I was that age, it's even harder. I did this at 20, I couldn't keep up. If I could go back and help my 20 year old self, here's a few things I might say:
You will be misunderstood, misrepresented by most in our society. Social life can be tricky and frustrating. Find ADHD and Dyslexic friends. Look for the engineers, creatives and techs. Find your tribe, because the Neurotypical world is a strange and scary place! The NT world pivots on a currency of guilt and indebtedness, which is infused into the secret meanings you might not be picking up.We all have some kind of difficulty to carry. Find groups of interest - a book club, a gaming club, and go weekly as if it were church. 80% of making friends is just showing up.
You may feel like a ghost in your 20s - adjusting to life. The transition is no joke. But you'll have a plan and a bit of focus and feel a little more in command by 30. For now, even though you might feel behind your peers (we mature slower due to a language barrier), spend time learning about becoming your self! The greats in philosophy are a good start - and if you want to really excel, find a book to help understand a little symbolic logic. Most research sections in the library should have them. It revolutionised my life!
If you can't identify your feelings in a world that is largely consumed with "feeling", here's my default: I'm either content, frustrated, confused or feel a sense of injustice. Occasionally heartbroken, and it all feels turned up to 11. Possibly you may have become withdrawn, and this is not apathy! It's a trauma response to unrelenting overwhelm. Unreasonable Stress. We sense-perceive everything 'too real' - we cannot filter out incoming (or internal) signals like our peers, so the weird electrical sounds no one else hears? They're grating. And the perfume that just got onto the bus? I get heartburn! These things we perceive with the nose or our ears (or even Gravity with our vestibular system), they are REAL. Sound waves and Volatile compounds, they are physics and chemistry and there are tools to pick them up - a decibel reader, for instance. And they affect us like any gas (we can't breathe the air on the other planets), and sound at certain frequencies and levels is deadly. Like artificial fibres and lights, we can sense perceive danger. And this is actually a good thing, always protect your senses!
On the note about Stress. I'd learn this word and retain it. Often, we use the wrong language to communicate which then has a domino-like impact. I'd use the word overwhelming stress instead of anxiety, because anxiety often communicates something different to doctors, therapists and those whose anxiety involves these social hierarchal games autistics don't see or learn or enjoy.
The ability to adjust to smash cut edits in life are hard. But crossing the threshold between childhood in to being a Legal Adult is too much of a change. If you can take this time to regroup, heal, regenerate and learn whatever you want to learn -do that. Do secretly fun things you enjoy in introvert-mode without anyone adding their opinion to the mix. Find the movie character who you identify with. Find you personal 'theme' song. Try all the different flavours of a thing and find what you like. Take up becoming a coffee snob and be recklessly unapologetic. Buy a Pantone book and stare at the colours for days. To level up? Take a theatre class or two. It's a great way to evolve with a whole new set of rules for social life.