Published on 12, July, 2020
Our son (autistic and dyspraxic - probably also ADHD (I'm autistic and ADHD and my wife is dyspraxic - poor kid!)) is having real difficulties with managing his emotions and his self-esteem. He's very bright: would probably go as far as to say gifted - in terms of maths, science and reading age - but otherwise seems very immature in terms of how he carries himself. He's got friends who genuinely like him (although there are kids at school who seem him as an easy target and see him as different and they "tease" him) and we have a comfortable home life: he has no siblings and myself and my wife are able to give him a lot of our time and attention. But for some reason, he doesn't like himself. He seems happy much of the time but then gets into moods where he hits himself, says he wishes he was dead; says he despises himself and it seems so familiar to when I was his age (although his circumstances are very different from my own when I was his age).
We've tried everything to get him to open up to us and tried to help him to feel more positive but he clams up and won't talk or listen. I talk to him about how I understand because of my own experiences as an autistic person (although I didn't know I was autistic when I was a child) but that doesn't work either. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks.The SENCO is aware of him but I don't think she's very good: she's incredibly defensive and doesn't listen to what we want to say before she jumps in with an answer. It's a shame because the previous SENCO was great but she moved to a different job.We did have a trampoline but we moved house recently and I'm not sure it has survived being taken apart. You're right about him shutting down but somehow someone needs to be able to help him. He's never been on medication. I'm not keen on that: I'm stuck on anti-depressants which were prescribed before my autism diagnosis and when I try to come off them (even extremely carefully/slowly) I sink so horrifically low that I have to go back on them.
He's not able to articulate his feelings: I think that is part of his autism (possibly alexithymia as suggested by another commenter).It escalated on Friday after I'd written this and we had a call from the school who were worried about him.
Yes, I would definitely say he shows signs of alexithmia.
Just a quick question because I think it maybe extremely relevent to ask..... does he show signs of/have alexithymia?
Our kid used to self hit in fustration and we had to repeatedly try and get him to indentify the emotions and practise self compassion before it started to resolve.
At 9 years old is he emotionally old enough to be able to articulate his feelings? It's an awkward age, 9, as you can often feel that you've almost left childhood behind, but not yet become a teen or even pre-teen. Maybe at his age asking him to draw his feelings, or if you catch him playing are his toys acting out what happens to him and how he feels? Maybe him just knowing that you're there and ready to listen is enough right now.
I expect his self esteem is low because he is being teased - that was my experience at school. I know that you are trying to help him by explaining that you understand how he feels, but I don't think he'll be able to relate to that. when he clams up he is having an autistic shutdown because his mind is overloaded by thinking about it.
30 years ago (When I had no idea I was on the spectrum) I was a special needs teaching assistant, and I noticed the same low self esteem in the children I worked with. There was no widespread knowledge of autism then, and my training didn't cover it, but I remember one child who I can now identify as almost certainly autistic. He was teased too and was mostly pretty miserable at school - he didn't improve until he was moved to a specialist school that was able to provide the support he needed, where all the other kids had specific needs too.
You don't mention whether your son has any support at school, but you need to speak to to the SENCO staff there and let them know what's happening, if you haven't already done so.
Another suggestion is to buy a punch bag or trampoline - something he can use to physically work out his frustration rather than turning it inwards onto himself.
Has he ever been on any medication? I'm not a fan of medication myself, but it might be useful to have a chat with your GP.
If you look at the information for parents on this website, I'm sure there will be other information and ideas that might help too.