Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
After a two year wait we have finally just had our paediatrician appointment which confirmed suspected autism (still need to see a speech and language therapist and educational psychologist) for my 10 year old daughter. I’ve always spoken openly about the fact we are likely a neurodivergent family (I’m awaiting assessment myself) and speak positively about it.
However since the appointment my daughter has refused to entertain the word autism and says it’s like nails down a chalkboard to hear it. She says she doesn’t even know what it means but when I try and explain she tells me to shut up. I’m going to stop talking about it for a while because I’m obviously annoying her but I was wondering if anyone has any tips on talking to their child about their potential diagnosis and the reason for the things they struggle with without annoying the hell out of them!
I can tell you from my experience, that while I wanted to be genuinely seen and understood by my parents, I still didn't want them making a big production of a thing.
We already struggle a great deal with feeling too unique, not blending in with peers. And this is actually the opposite of how most clinical psycho-analysts would describe the Non-Autistic/NeuroTypical condition, where one feels too much like everyone else, and therefore, desires to be a bit unique. We witness this in adverts and social influence - authenticity, individuality, personal expression and so on. It's very NeuroTypical (which ADHD'rs might also experience, most having the ability to fluently speak both Autistic and NT).
In fact, being Divergent is the new Unique and if you're daughter is observing this, it may be even more frustrating. How can I explain to others I'm autistic and need help with transitions when everyone is saying, oh me too, but they actually don't. I'm making an assumption, but did find myself on Twitter having to explain to someone claiming to be divergent that "pedantic" was a cruel term used to dominate and dismiss. No one is pedantic, rather, you're not being clear. Best to not hang out on an Autistic thread if the way we discuss things is bothersome.
Essentially, she might not want to be continually analysed for her difficulties. It's good to understand what's human and what's autistic. Usually, Autistic differences can be found in 3 or 4 fundamental values: the gut-brain axis, fundamental to monotropism, sensory filtering (including time/space) and a difference with language. We can be more in-tune with a physical rather than social environment.
Biological anxiety, and not being able to shut down looping thoughts like a melody or a math problem are part and parcel with autism, in need of resolution. Affirm the human need for resolution and omit the autistic intensity. Help her problem solve and genuinely help find solutions. Never dismiss this, which makes it worse. All of infrastructure depends on those who are driven to make sure it doesn't crumble. However, if I can't go to sleep, puzzles and problems which aren't emotional can help: thinking beyond my capacity and exhausting my reasoning is good in a pinch. Reading a book. But I've also found a nootropics blend with lion's mane helps over time. I've been taking them for years, mushrooms daily! Yum.
If it's a sensory filtering issue, identify the problem. It's not her or her 'autism', it's an external source and she might need protection (she won't dull her senses) or help identifying it. Unnatural fibres like polyesters are actually plastic (the human body shouldn't wear this next to the skin though it's suitable for other things). A decible reader can be downloaded to the phone to find piercing frequencies. Unnatural lighting from LEDs can create low-grade stress. And so on.
Language / vocabulary difference (and thus, social) are autistic differences, but might have been better suited in a different time/space. Theatre games can make it more fun, or even blaming the current dimension of reality or the era (if only shoelaces didn't exist. (It's not autism) rather, humans should be living in the jungle- feet free of these things!)
But the key important element is she feels understood and respected by you. It's far better that our children are rolling their eyes at us than melting into a pool of tear feeling isolated and misjudged.
This website contains a lot of good and well explained information about autism. It is written with young people in mind, so may be something your daughter could read in her own time. It is hard to get past the word autism though, especially if that has become somewhat of a negative trigger for her.
https://autismunderstood.co.uk/what-actually-is-autism/introducing-autism/