My autistic son hates his sister

Dear all,

Thanks for the replies to my original post. It is good to know that we are not the only family going through difficulties between siblings.

11 months on and the extreme dislike of my son of his sister is still continuing. It is very difficult to have meals together and to get them into the car together. We have fixed seats in both situations and rituals to follow, like everyone has to be in the car before my autistic son gets in and same goes for dinner - everyone has to be sat down in order for him to join us. I think this is to do with the unpredictability of a younger sister and worry about what she will do next.

I think his original dislike stemmed from her high pitched voice and loud and unpredictable behaviour (she was 7!), but now his dislike is so hardwired, he has a visible flight-or-fight response when he sees her and actively avoids her at all costs.

Of course, we worry about the impact his behaviour has on his sister and it is a constant juggle to protect them both. We continually tell his sister that it is not her fault and that she is allowed to talk, touch things etc. Also, we try and educate her about autism and it effects on the brain. I think she touched his swimming trunks accidentally - like we asked her to empty a bag, not realising it had his stuff in. Also, I wash their clothes together and then peg it on the line outside and his and her items are touching and he sees it (before I can get them in), then the touching item is rejected permanently. Obviously, I try to wash their stuff separately, but not always practical. 

We tried some CBT, but it wasn't that successful as my son is unable to express why he dislikes her so much. He is not very communicative and not aware of the nuances in his feelings.

We have considered medication and I am still considering it to lessen his anxiety. However, his anxiety is really only present when she is around. 

If anyone has any suggestions for therapies to try, and tactics, I'd be grateful. They wouldn't be able to sit down together at all as my son is so distressed in her presence - like visibly fearful of her. 

Thanks so much

Hi, I'm currently going thru the exact same sinario, i have 2 autistic girls 11 and 8 non-verbal and 1 non autistic boy at 2, my 8 year old daughter absolutely can not stand her brother, (that hurts to say) even 1 look is enough to set her off, they are separated due to her becoming aggressive if he murmured a word, or if she sets eyes on him, she can not tolerate being in the car with him and certainly days out are impossible, I originally thought it was sensory overload to his voice but over 2 years his voice has changed and at a specialist school she hears all kinds of noise and does not and has never responded like she does with her brother, its hard keeping track of them both and keeping them calm, how is the situation now? Was there any specialist that deals with this, im worried of the impact it will have on my son in the future and his development...would appreciate any help or advice 

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. How could your parents have done better? I’m worried about the impact of my elder son’s ASD on his younger brother, who just adores him, but is constantly rejected by his big bro.

Having grown up with an autistic sister who would not touch anything of hers that I touched and repeatedly treated me as though she hates me, please be aware of the impact this will have on the non-autistic sibling. For example it left me with feelings of unworthiness, low self esteem as if there was something wrong with me. I was constantly blamed as everyone wanted to avoid a meltdown from my sister. But touching someone else's belongings is not a crime and was certainly not done on purpose as a poster here suggests- the non- autistic sibling should not be blamed. . This has led to a life time of people pleasing, ignoring my own needs in relationships, interpreting really negative behaviour as "love" because that's what I was told my sister felt for me whereas there is zero evidence of this even now we are in our 50s. 

She still will hate everything I profess to like as a matter of principle, acts revolted if I cook for her, never asks me a question about myself and I'm tired of it. I know logically she cannot help it...or can she? At what point is a label license to act in unacceptable ways? Back then my parents didnt have strategies, support or even a diagnosis to help them - I just had to be the "good girl" and not do anything that would be deemed annoying in any way to my sister and those "things" were just regular things. This has continued with how she treats my daughter ( but not my son interestingly enough... although she didnt even so much as text when he had cancer until forced to by my mother) My daughter said at age 6 "Why does my Auntie hate me?"

My mother forces us into family occasions which are not enjoyable for any of us. My sister is visibly stressed. I have self harmed prior to having to go through with them. Whilst I can sympathise with the challenges of being autistic, the impact is felt by everyone. Think about how the child who is told her voice is intolerable to her sibling- as someone suggests below -feels ? Where is she allowed to use her voice? How might it impact on how she speaks in the classroom or in social situations? Why are her needs to speak/be heard secondary? 

I have not even scratched the surface of making sense of my experiences but I do appreciate finding posts here that reflect my childhood experiences 

At that age, is there a chance she might secretly enjoy his annoyance? This can make her feel a bit of "power over" which he might sense and further loathe, as Autistics can often sense motives or an underlying system at play, but not always be able to call them out due to difficulty with vocabulary or assigning the name to the item/ manoeuvre/ intent and so on (which compounds the frustration).

Sibling 'rivalry' at this age is typical for any house. Due to autistics being - often - far more intensely impacted by internal and external sense perception (emotionally, psychologically, and then our senses like smell & hearing), this will be a bit more intense I'm afraid.

I'm curious as to why she touched his swimming costume. Sometimes it's the child with more power who needs help learning to use it responsibly. Even ignoring is a tactic which can wield a psychological thrill. And these things aren't any different for any child, really. We can learn a great deal about ourselves in relationship with our siblings. 

It can be difficult at that age for autistic and non-autistic children to get along, depending on their personality. They may simply irritate each other. It could be much harder to help him express what he doesn't trust about her or what simply irritates him. But it might be good to begin to sit them down once a week and pick one thing to sort. Start a list with each, maybe a notebook and allow them to be brutally honest. Is your daughter embarrassed by him? Does your son feel her presence robs his identity? A therapist might encourage speaking the worst of the worst. Raw unrestrained confession is often the gateway to reconciliation/healing.

NAS24917 said:

Avoiding his sister is his 100 per cent occupation.

With the avoidance it sounds as if it could be anxiety based. 

Has he been able to communicate why he reacts the way he does?

NAS24917 said:

He screeches if She appears in his sight, even if she is completely silent.

One possibility is that it is sensory anxiety if he can't tolerate the sound of his sister's voice. He won't want to go near anything or anyone that might potentially make a noise he finds intolerable. I'm like that with certain dogs. If that is a factor then ear protection might help to a certain extent.

Does he have something he is interested in that he would strongly want to participate in? Maybe if you could set up such an activity and include his sister. Warn him in advance that his sister will be there and give him the autonomy to choose if he wants to join in or not based on that knowledge.

If nothing else that will test if his aversion to his sister is greater than his interests, so you can begin to understand what you are dealing with.