Published on 12, July, 2020
My nine year old son is really struggling with anxiety about school and has effectively become a school 'refuser.'
He has always found school overwhelming both academically and socially but last year his difficulties became far more amplified.
He had daily meltdowns when returning home, in which toys and household items would get broken, and became more upset in the mornings to the point that he needed to take a number of mental health days towards the end of the year.
We hoped that the summer holidays would give him time to decompress but he complained of stomach pains and nausea throughout, as well as refusing to eat solid food for a couple of weeks.
Repeated medical exams have established that these are caused by anxiety and not a physical illness (thankfully), and He is now eating a very limited number of soft foods again albeit reluctantly.
Since the start of the new term he has refused to go in several times, and school agreed to a staggered time table to help ease him in as a result.
Doing half days didn't ease his anxiety at all and even doing one hour a day is making him worry all evening the night before as well as first thing each morning.
We applied to get him into a resource base in time for the start of year 5 but our local council refused to move him, claiming his needs can be met in mainstream school and We are going to tribunal but not until february. we have also referred him to the council's mental health team but again face a wait for confirmation of whether he meets the threshold for help let alone whether they can actually help.
He cannot continue to suffer until then. This needs resolving rapidly.
We want him to learn, he is very bright although he is working well below the expected levels for his age as he has sensory and processing difficulties and dyspraxia - but we want him to be happier most of all.
We have looked into homeschooling and think it would probably make him a lot happier and healthier. It feels like a risk though as once he leaves formal schooling it will be even harder to get him back into formal education, even if a place at an appropriate school becomes available.
I'm also concerned that he may not get any qualifications as I doubt he will be able to cope with the demands of exams, which may harm his employment chances - although this may be the case whether he remains at school or not.
What are your thoughts? Have you been home schooled or home schooled your own child. What are the pros and cons? I have thought a lot about this but I bet there are many things I have failed to consider. This is a big decision and We want to get it right.
I was homeschooled pre-equality act. And what that meant was when My parents wanted to reinsert me into schools (in private schools) it was extremely difficult for them to do so. I’m not sure it would be as difficult today. I suspect the threat of a lawsuit might entice a private school into negotiations.
I can’t tell you how your son might cope with homeschooling I don’t know enough about him I doubt you could express enough about him on an Internet forum. What I can tell you was that I was more or less ‘unschooled’ in the sense that my parents allowed me to direct my own education more or less independently with The exception of a handful of things I was very bad at like mental arithmetic handwriting reading and writing.
but they didn’t really have to force me to learn, I had a voracious appetite for textbooks. in fact as a child I used to insist on taking our computers manual to bed as bedside reading for me. The issue with exams may be easier than it used to be. I believe it is possible to take an exam as a homeschooled student And that this can be booked through the local council although you do have to pay for it.
exams are a very ordered environment so while the process of taking an exam is always going to be stressful it’s one of the few times and autistic student can walk into the classroom and know almost exactly how everything is going to run.
when I was 15 I went to an adult college and I found that a lot less stressful. In part because I was treated like an adult and expected to attend to my own learning. You attended lectures, you got on with your own work, and if you needed help you waved at a teacher in one of the workshops.
I would say if it’s done right homeschooling is great for academics. children who struggle with a school environment can really excel academically in a homeschool environment.
homeschooling absolutely sucks with regards to having a social life. I don’t know what kind of teenage angst an autistic child will have going through high school but I can tell you that going through homeschooling they’re gonna have a hell of a lot of emotional baggage afterwards.
even if you had some sort of after-school youth group he could go to Monday to Friday every evening, which as a teen he won’t, he would still be getting only a fraction of the contact he would with other young people if he was in school. Although those autistic people who have been in school have told me that that contact has often not left a positive impression on them.
I suggest that if you home-school, you start to build up a "portfolio" with your child, even in primary school. There are a lot of activities you can do together that have some sort of recognition. In science the Royal Institution has free activities you can do then get a certificate for your child as a "kitchen chemist" or whatever. There are also activity days for kids. The Ri has them, and so do many museums and professional organisations. These provide a chance to explore special interests and also meet other young people.
Depending on your child, you might want to explore youth groups. Some start as young as four or five, and by age eight or so there is a wide variety. As an autistic, ADHD, dyspraxic kid, Cubs and Scouts certainly helped me to build up confidence and learn social skills. But ANY structured programme could be beneficial, and depending on your child's interests, martial arts, theatre groups, sports and youth groups can all be helpful. Obviously, you need to find a group where the leaders/officers are confident in dealing with neurodivergent members, and where your child is happy and confident.
When I was an Education Welfare Officer for a secondary school for kids with moderate learning difficulties, many of whom were neurodivergent, we had several boys who joined a local Army Cadet unit and enjoyed it. One of the officers was particularly supportive, and encouraged them to work for the NVQ in Public Service - for kids with limited academic success this was the equivalent of several GCSEs.
Many youth groups now offer access to award schemes - the Duke of Edinburgh's Award is the best known, but there are also Gateway Awards and many others. These recognise "soft" skills, community involvements, and personal development, rather than academic attainment.
Thanks very much. The social side of things does concern me although it is also a big part of his anxiety as he is very lonely at school, despite staff running friendship workshops and play leaders encouraging him to join in games in the playground. The latter has been done but not consistently. We would hope to enrol him in after school clubs and play dates through things like sen socials Facebook page, but I accept that is not the same as going to school daily. Having said that the type of bullying a lot of kids experience at school also leaves emotional baggage, and my son is very vulnerable to this. Great point about exams being an ordered environment. Hadn't thought about that and he's so young that he may well be able to cope with them by the time he's 15 or so. Really appreciate your reply. Overall, Do you think it was better to have been home schooled or dyou wish you'd gone to school?