Published on 12, July, 2020
My nine year old son is really struggling with anxiety about school and has effectively become a school 'refuser.'
He has always found school overwhelming both academically and socially but last year his difficulties became far more amplified.
He had daily meltdowns when returning home, in which toys and household items would get broken, and became more upset in the mornings to the point that he needed to take a number of mental health days towards the end of the year.
We hoped that the summer holidays would give him time to decompress but he complained of stomach pains and nausea throughout, as well as refusing to eat solid food for a couple of weeks.
Repeated medical exams have established that these are caused by anxiety and not a physical illness (thankfully), and He is now eating a very limited number of soft foods again albeit reluctantly.
Since the start of the new term he has refused to go in several times, and school agreed to a staggered time table to help ease him in as a result.
Doing half days didn't ease his anxiety at all and even doing one hour a day is making him worry all evening the night before as well as first thing each morning.
We applied to get him into a resource base in time for the start of year 5 but our local council refused to move him, claiming his needs can be met in mainstream school and We are going to tribunal but not until february. we have also referred him to the council's mental health team but again face a wait for confirmation of whether he meets the threshold for help let alone whether they can actually help.
He cannot continue to suffer until then. This needs resolving rapidly.
We want him to learn, he is very bright although he is working well below the expected levels for his age as he has sensory and processing difficulties and dyspraxia - but we want him to be happier most of all.
We have looked into homeschooling and think it would probably make him a lot happier and healthier. It feels like a risk though as once he leaves formal schooling it will be even harder to get him back into formal education, even if a place at an appropriate school becomes available.
I'm also concerned that he may not get any qualifications as I doubt he will be able to cope with the demands of exams, which may harm his employment chances - although this may be the case whether he remains at school or not.
What are your thoughts? Have you been home schooled or home schooled your own child. What are the pros and cons? I have thought a lot about this but I bet there are many things I have failed to consider. This is a big decision and We want to get it right.
NAS86379 said:We have looked into homeschooling and think it would probably make him a lot happier and healthier.
This seems at odds with what you said earlier:
NAS86379 said:We hoped that the summer holidays would give him time to decompress but he complained of stomach pains and nausea throughout, as well as refusing to eat solid food for a couple of weeks.
If he is suffering during non-school times then I think you may be barking up the wrong tree.
My opinion (not advice) is that he has a different stresser that is triggering his autistic anxiety - something that is present in the summer holidays as well.
I would be looking at the things or people he avoids like the plague - it may be a family member, friends, something online (bullying?), a neighbour, food groups, pets or pretty much anything really.
My reasoning is that if it were only school then in the holidays he would be free from it and would return to a low state of anxiety after a few weeks at most,
In your shoes I would be observing keenly myself as much as I could, getting a child therapist with autism experience to help him have an independent and safe person to speak to and get advice from and to start keeping a detailed journal of your observations.
If I am completely wrong and school is the trigger then home schooling is clearly a solution. You don't need to be there to be his teacher if he is able to work from an online course base. You also don't need to follow the ciriculim but I would suggest speaking with a teacher you trust to work through what is essential as well as desirable material for your son to study.
If he works well this way then you have the opportunity to customise his education to make him much more able to have a solid career in future, but to target this effectively it is worth getting a feel for what he is passionate about and guide his skills towards this end.
Out of interest, where are you based? US, England, Scotland etc? There are a few specifics relevant to this to keep the educational system happy.
England. The midlands. Thanks for the detailed reply. really appreciate it. we have spoken to our son and he always tells us it is school that is worrying him although He is also a bit aggrophobic too. He hates it there and was worrying about going back during the holidays. We got him medically examined as a precaution in case the physical symptoms were caused by something else but school is definitely a massive anxiety trigger. Good advice about discussing subject matter for home schooling with his teachers. What specifics are u referring to with regards to the English education system by the way?
NAS86379 said:What specifics are u referring to with regards to the English education system by the way?
It was around the inspections:
https://www.gov.uk/home-education
The council can make an ‘informal enquiry’ to check your child is getting a suitable education at home. They can serve a school attendance order if they think your child needs to be taught at school.
That link has most of the info you need to cover the practicalities of it.
I was homeschooled my entire childhood and we got inspected twice in all that time
Thanks. Have seen most of what's contained there but there was also some new food for thought. Very helpful. Think we can approach home schooling in a more targeted way just as a result of this conversation.