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9 Year Old Anger And Violence

NAS88925

Hi

I am new here so I apologise for my ignorance around Autism/ADHD!

My son is 9 and since he was little he has suffered from anger and violence issues. When he was young we put it down to him learning and pushing boundaries. As the years have gone on it is getting worse where he is being physically violent at a drop of a hat. One minute he can be fine, the next he snaps. It happens instantly. He hits, kicks, throws things at me and his dad. I have asked him about how he feels when he starts to get angry like a funny feeling in his stomach, clenched fists etc but he said he doesn't feel anything, it just happens instantly. It can be very scary when it happens and at the moment it is happening daily. The other day he threw a metal bar which nearly hit me. I don't think he meant to throw it at me but he was in such a rage he wasn't thinking. He gets angry over little things like asking him to do his teeth, having a shower, come to the shop with me. It is relentless.

At school he is the model student. He is very quiet, shy, won't put himself forward for anything, often gets overlooked because he's so quiet. He will not break the rules and gets upset if he does. He has friends but can be quite socially awkward around a lot of people, even if he knows them. Just someone asking him his name, stumps him and he goes silent.

I'm not even really sure what I am asking on here. I think I just need to vent and feel like I am not alone. I have done a self referral for assessment for autism but not sure if it could be adhd or maybe it's not either of these things? I have spoken to the GP numerous times and they just send me links to information and say contact us again if it continues.

I think I'm scared he is going to seriously hurt me one day. He's not a bad kid and I think he struggles with this as much as we do.

Thank you for reading

  • Our daughter was similar at that age but not as extreme. She was fine at school and doing well but then becoming having meltdowns and being violent at home as she was masking and then blowing up. We were shouted at, hit, scratched and kicked. We approached her school who were fantastic and once we explained what was happening teachers started to notice the things she was struggling with- social situations, change and understanding emotions. Academically she was one of the best in the class and well behaved. School started the referral for us and gave her intervention for the aspects she was struggling with. It took three years to get the diagnosis and she is much better at dealing with things. She still has meltdowns and will shout but has not been violent for a couple of years now and she is nearly 12. It was an exhausting time though and scary at times. Things can get better.

  • in reply to NAS88944

    Hi

    Nice to know I am not alone! I have the same feelings in that it's me making him this way. I even had a GP say to me it sounds like a 'parenting problem' which made me feel even worse.

    Thank you for your advice. I have spoken to the send team at school who got the teacher to fill in the questionnaire but that's as far as the help went. I have messaged them again today and also messaged the inclusion team to see if they can support. I have also got my son's GP ringing me on Monday.

    It is putting such a strain on our family. I think all of our mental healths are suffering.

    I hope your situation improves soon!

  • I can suggest some reading that may have a few techniques to try:

    From Anxiety to Meltdown - How Individuals on the Autism Spectrum Deal with Anxiety, Experience Meltdowns, Manifest Tantrums, and How You Can Intervene Effectively - Deborah Lipsky (2011)
    ISBN 9781849058438

    Managing Meltdowns and Tantrums on the Autism Spectrum - A Parent and Caregiver's Guide - Jenna Ward-Hawkes, Melissa Rodi (2019)
    ISBN 9781785928406

    Managing Meltdowns - Using the S.C.A.R.E.D. Calming Technique With Children and Adults with Autism - Deborah Lipsky, Will Richards (2009)
    ISBN 9781843109082

    The Red Beast - Controlling Anger in Children With Asperger's Syndrome - K. I. Al-ghani (2008)

    I covered most of the content of this book in a post here:
    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/32418/am-i-just-doing-everything-wrong/301059#301059

    Sorry I don't have any first hand experience to share but I hope some of the above is useful.

  • Hello ,

    I'm sorry to hear that you have struggled with your son's behaviour. Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

     

    You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

      

    You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: 

     https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

    All the best,

    ChloeMod

  • Hi.

    Other than you referring to your 9 year old son, this could have been written by me about my 8 year old daughter. The similarities in detail, down to brushing teeth, asking to have a shower, masking at school etc. is scary.  I have just joined the NAS today as I am seeking assistance as well and came across your post immediately.  My daughter was diagnosed with high functioning Autism a few months back.  To add to the complexity, she gets it from me, having been diagnosed late in life, only 7 years back.  I am having exactly the same issues and worries and am concerned I am not doing all I should be doing to protect and support her, whilst also fearing this is tearing the family apart. My daughter is a twin and I am struggling to understand what I can do to help her and also her neurotypical sister, who has to deal with the fallout when there is a meltdown or when two neurodiverse minds collide.  I know I need to get better at being a dad to both my daughters and manage this better, hence joining today to get ideas and seek out where I can get more support.  I don't have the answers at present.  My neurotypical wife manages everything much better and can calm her down when she is meltdown. I struggle more, so it's definitely me who needs to improve, hence reaching out to NAS and joining this community for ideas and and suggestions on where else i may get some support and advice.  The only other thing i have done is also reach out to Suffolk carers as i am a registered carer.  I would recommend this is, especially if you have a diagnosis. I am yet to hear back on anything specific around parenting neurodiverse as a neurodiverse parent but I will be joining a walk in sessions for those with neurodiverse children.  I'll also be keeping an eye on this community as I feel some answers may be here.

    Good luck and thanks for your timely post.  

  • in reply to NAS88944

    My guess is that kids manage to mask and keep a lid on the boiling pot in school, but when they get home and in a psychologically safe space they explode. There is no point trying to deal with anger issues when he is kicking off, obviously. Just try to keep him and everyone else safe. Is there anybody who can offer anger management, in school or in the community?

    NAS88925 says that her kid does not "feel" the anger ... this is a good point. One technique used in anger management is to help the client understand the physiology of anger ... to notice the body, feel the tension, the clenched fist, and clenched teeth ... then deliberately breathe slowly, and relax.

    Anger often comes from a sense of frustration or unfairness. How often have we heard " That's not fair!" or "Why pick on me?" Sometimes kids need to be helped to reframe. It may have to be after the event, as part of a discussion about helpful and unhelpful  (not good vs bad) choices. Sometimes it is about knowing that it is not personal, those are the rules, and that is the way we do things in our home/school/community.

    Good luck!

  • I am having the same issues with my 8 year old son. He was diagnosed in march of this year and is awaiting a ADHD assessment.

    It worries me how quick he can go from being a loving little boy to completely uncontrol able. He swears, and some of the words he uses would make your toes curl. He throws things and refuses to listen to a word i say. 

    He does not do this at school though so i feel like its me that's making him this way and its really effecting home life. 

    I too am unsure what i want from being on here, but it is nice to know i am not the only one and both of ours seem very similar. 

    Get the school involved with the referral as they too can refer him, it also helps with the referral process.