aspergers and gender dysmorphia

NAS7937 said:

Surely everyone has  behaviours that can be destructive if left unchecked and unrecognised. Its not unique to being autistic

Indeed, I wasn't intending to suggest that we are all broken and that we are the source of the world's problems. I'm just trying to suggest that some leaders and some individuals who have problems may have autistic traits.

Most autistic people are honest, decent and lovely people and actually we have problems with being too honest sometimes. Inability to tell a "white lie" is a common problem for autistic people.

The problem comes when someone generalises and then discriminates on the basis of what a few members of a group have done.

QuietDesperation said:

Most leaders turn out to have narcissistic and/or psychopathic or sociopathic traits, rather than an autistic personality type.

I'm not the only person who thinks that autism is linked to narcissism www.psychologytoday.com/.../do-you-think-narcissism-autistic-spectrum-disorder

I'm diagnosed autistic but I can see that some of my behaviour can be destructive if left unchecked and unrecognised. Sociopaths and psychopaths are something else altogether - being blind to other people's feelings is not the same as knowingly doing awful things to other people.

Hello,

The recent post which was numbered 62 has been removed because it contravenes rule four.

4. Messages that are sexist, homophobic, racist, intolerant of religious beliefs, obscene or otherwise discriminatory are not allowed in the Community. 

I've therefore deleted it and the poster will be notified.

Thanks,
Alexandra (Moderator)

Hi recombinantsocks,

Who are these people throughout history who failed to consider other's viewpoints and could be considered autistic? Most leaders turn out to have narcissistic and/or psychopathic or sociopathic traits, rather than an autistic personality type.

It's a pretty heartbreaking situation for a parent. I suppose you have to respect his decision, especially if pursuing a relationship upsets everyone else. If he knows that you will welcome him if he decides to make contact, then perhaps all you can do is leave him to make up his own mind.

Life can be terribly sad. All the best to you. x

I am just a parent, like most others, who loves my children and I have done the best I could.  It was difficult, and I know that there were days when I just had too much to cope with and was not the ideal Mum. We all tried very hard not to upset him, and had to be careful how we spoke, the tone of our voice, or even a look.  We had family discussions as to how we could help him to be more relaxed and happy.  All of us loved him, and were concerned about him.

My memories are of my adorable baby, my little boy, and as a man for many years until I last saw him. 

He is almost 50 and has said that he never wants to see me again.  I have the rest of my family to consider too, and they do not want a return to all the disruption when it helps no-one.

I have never stopped caring for him or thinking about him.

Hi Sonsmum,

Your son sounds similar to ours, and I really empathise about all the problems with behaviour at school, plus the bizarre mix of arrogance and a lack of self confidence (something I seem to experience myself!), You sound like lovely parents, and it is very difficult dealing with a child on the spectrum (whether they have a diagnosis or not). Simple things become hard work, and you end up tired, exasperated and thinking, "Why does everything have to be so difficult?!"

I think I may be on the spectrum too (although I'm becoming increasingly skeptical about "high functioning autism" - I think it is a pathological title applied to a personality type) which really doesn't help, hahaha! I fall out with people easily (and have done with most of my family) as I hold myself and others to high standards which very few people can live up to.

Going back to the lack of self esteem/arrogance thing; I think it stands to reason that a person can become arrogant when they feel like they don't belong or aren't valued for who they really are. It's a survival strategy! "I don't need you anyway, you're all morons..." etc.

It's interesting that you have come onto this forum now - is there a reason for that? are you just trying to find answers, or do you hope to make contact with your child again?

All the best

p.s. As a parent, as long as I have a breath left in my body I will never give up on my kids. Even if they say they hate me and want nothing to do with me. I will willingly abandon all pride to let my children know that I love them and will always be here for them. That does *not* extend, however, to them treating me like crap. I would let them know gently but firmly that I love them, but I want to be treated with respect, as anybody does. x

I have just read the initial post and some of the responses, and my own experiences are very similar to the original post.  Our son was quiet, could be stubborn, seemed to lack confidence sometimes but could also appear arrogant.  We tried very hard to understand him and would tell him that we were there to listen if anything was bothering him.  He did get obsessive about one interest at a time and he was a diffult child to care for, but we did care, very much.  In very recent years I have seen a lot about autism in the media, and I try to understand as there does seem to be similarities.  I had never heard of it before.  My son grew up in the seventies when we hadn't heard of many things that seem to be so prevalent now.  We took him to the GP whenever we were concerned, and he was offered guidance and counselling, which he attended on his own.  Teachers would complain to us about his behaviour, but no-one ever suggested that there may be a medical problem.  I think autism was more unknown then.

He falls out with people easily and has not spoken to us for many years, but we heard that he is now living as a woman.  This was a complete shock as he had never shown any signs of this before.

We have heard some dreadful things that he has said about us, but we can only hope that he is happier now, and more settled in his life.  There does come a time when we have to let them go their own way, but it is very sad that he misses out on so many happy family times.

I wish you all well, whether a parent, a son or a daughter, and hope that you can all find happiness and peace within yourselves.  Life is so short.

I've being struggling trying to paste my already written reply here, but for some reason won't let me paste anything in this window.  The reply's quite long, and carries on from my previous post in this thread - but with more detail.  This is an important topic, so I've uploaded it here and hope you'll find it useful:  http://mir.cr/0B3AMXBF  Just click on any of those 'Success' links below.  Don't bother clicking on the big blue download link at the top.

I even had to type in that link  Grrr!

If anyone else can manage to paste it in I'd be grateful.

Yes, I have gone from one crisis to another during my life, so it's kind of irrelevant what age I am, lol!

You could get a trike - you can use them on a car licence (I've never driven a car).

I got the impression that funding for the institute, that he worked at, was withdrawn by political/local government people. At no point did it mention that he might have been struck off by the medical registration bodies. Did I miss something or did they not tell the full story?

If you won't watch something because of the opinions that you had beforehand then you may be susceptible to Confirmation Bias. Life, in my opinion, is about accepting and dealing with being challenged (among other things.)

Highly interesting item on BBC2 this week http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b088kxbw It mentions the link between GD and autism. The programme challenges political correct views but airs the views of some people on both sides - regretters and adamant non-regretters.

I veered between hippy/metaller/biker/general freak. My best mate at school was a goth. When I got to the age of 19 I passed my motorbike test and me and my other half (now husband) were involved in the biker scene for a few years. I've become increasingly boring since I had kids, but I think the time is right for a mid-life crisis and getting the motorbike out of the shed again

Lmao! Yeah, it was pretty hideous - very eighties! Then I became a teenager, got into rock music, and the pink disappeared under a layer of posters and the frilly curtains were replaced with 1960s orange curtains and never opened again...

Hahaha! I didn't take it that way, don't worry!

Yes, you're right, it's an elusive thing, really - mainly we relate to a gender type because of our body parts, so it must feel pretty odd to feel like you are in the wrong body. I used to want to be a boy, but only in the sense of boys (or men, anyway) being more valued and perceived by society as being "better" in some way. I really resented that when I was a kid!!I wouldn't have liked it really, because at that age I had a pink bedroom with frilly curtains (very cliched!) which I loved, and I was mad on ponies etc - typical girls stuff - but I was very competitive with the boys when we did things like sports or playing chasey, lol! I also was deeply annoyed when I was told about periods and realised that boys didn't have them...

Interesting stuff. I do think that a lot of the gender stuff is merely cultural, not inherent, and changes over time as societal expectations change. Your classic example of women liking flowers, make-up, chocolate, shoes, jewellery and perfume are just cultural, in my opinion. The more inherent traits of a "typical" female are nurturing, being empathetic etc, the rest are just window dressing.

I don't mean to be offensive about it, so please don't take it that way, it's just my opinion. I know many women who are heterosexual and identify completely as women, but have quite tom-boyish interests, and some aren't interested in shoes and make-up. That stuff is just what our culture tells us females like, in reality women are just people and have a broad range of interests and likes, in just the same way that men do.

That's very interesting! I know of two transgender people within the small town where I live, so it must be becoming more accepted by society?

I've always been very individualistic; I hated being told that I couldn't do something "cos I was a girl", and liked to prove that this wasn't the case! So, I'm not a girly girl, but I do like a lot of feminine stuff along with other typically masculine stuff (and I'm very emotional and empathic). That never made me feel like I mustn't be a proper female though, I kind of took the approach that our societies gender stereotypes were restrictive and frankly ridiculous!

Apparently the native Americans had several different gender types, but I haven't verified this...

Well, I was unaware of this amongst the autistic community, but it makes sense!

I'm just wondering if the fact that we don't relate to societal "norms" and are perhaps more willing to question them makes us less likely to relate to the gender stereotypes we are faced with. Kind of, "Well, I don't feel like a typical male/female is apparently supposed to feel, so I must be the other gender"?

NTs are generally more accepting and will do anything to fit in and gain societal acceptance, so perhaps a bloke who isn't really into football and being "manly" will pretend to be just so that he isn't singled out.

Just a thought!

I've been reading this thread with great interest, and would very much like to help people in this situation.  I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria at a late age - although I had it ever since I was about 3.  It was my autism and high intelligence that enabled me to survive all that time, but the long wait has damaged me.  I was diagnosed with 'female-type Asperger's syndrome' about two years after the GD diagnosis.

Over the past five years, I've read up voraciously on autism (especially my type) and its fascinating relationships with gender dysphoria, atypical sexual orientation, anorexia and intellectual giftedness.  I've met many women and girls with various combinations of these, and feel we're getting a raw deal in many ways.  Misdiagnoses of autism are rife, especially among females, and professional awareness develops at snail's pace within the NHS. I know people diagnosed with personality disorders when really all they have is autism and its attendent difficulties, one of which is gender dysphoria.  I read with increasing dismay the posts here, your talk of starting a group, your need to contact one another and your inability to do so.  How frustrating!

If the information we need isn't out there (for whatever reason) then contact between others with similar concerns is doubly important.  If the groups don't exist then we need to create them ourselves, share our experiences and pool our knowledge. Locally, there's a crying need for an autism self-help group, especially now that funds are being cut, and a few of us are planning to set one up.  I sought my autism diagnosis, because I seriously needed support and was suicidal.  Instead, like so many others, I got nothing.  It makes a mockery of the Autism Act.

Hi Dizzy dee,

I've asked around about being able to contact each other without publically giving away our details but so far haven't found a solution. Please get in touch via this forum for now if you need any further support.