Son being so aggressive, any advice?

Yeah but self harm isn’t really consistent with autism alone but it could be consistent with chronic depression. I wonder if there is some sort of very extreme depression going on or some similar underlying mental condition where he’s just so short tempered and short fused because he is not able to process these really unpleasant emotions of feeling down or frustrated all the  time

PDA is short for pathological demand Avoidance it’s part of the Autism spectrum.

My son was diagnosed via NHS and his diagnosis is ASD with a profile of pathological demand avoidance.

Speech and language and occupational therapists are the services I feel who have the most knowledge and understanding around PDA. If your linked in with them you could maybe bring up PDA and ask for their opinion.

If you have some spare time you could have a look on the PDA society website. The are an official organisation similar to The National autistic society

I’m sorry your son is feeling suicidal, I can’t imagine how difficult that must be for you and your family. Have you ever took him to A+E? 

The other thing I wanted to add is the impulsive and shocking behaviour your son is displaying is classic PDA. 

I hope you find this information helpful to you are your family. 

Hello, I will DM you now. 

It's exhausting. 

And frustrating and so sad, as all I ever wanted was a family. And I feel I can't help my children in our own home. 

Thank you xx

Hello Lau, 

He walkes in the road because ' he wants to hurt himself'he says his bad brain voice tells him to do this. 

A car has had to swerve to avoid him before now. 

He's a bright boy he's very clever, he remembers and notices everything, I have explained the consequences of his actions. 

This is so new to me , what is PDA? 

And the revenge if he feels like something hasn't gone his way sounds spot on. Even something like the dice rolled a number 4 and it had to be 5, we don't do games anymore based on chance. 

Is your son still hurting his siblings or did it get better? Thank you xxxx

Is your son walking out in front of cars in order to harm himself?

My son used to do similar but he would say things like I’m fast like flash or I’m atromg like the hulk I can smash the car before it gets me. 

Just wanted check with you? 

**

my son wasn’t doing to harm himself he just didn’t understand that a car could actually kill him,

Even now as a 13 year old he thinks he can run faster than a car. He has language but there is a massive lack of understanding there are 

Could you try Pathological demand avoidance strategies rather than typical autism strategies and see if that helps your child. Also request assessment for ADHD. 

My son has behaved incredibly dangerous at times putting a pillow over his younger brothers face when he was a baby, my son was around 8 years old when he done that & also taking knifes from the kitchen and threatening myself & ex partner. He often sought out revenge if he felt wronged also. He has zero understanding & patience with his younger brother and often assaults him. 

I am not an expert but i am a parent to a PDA ADHD 13 year old & autistic 5 year old. I have to parent both children completely different.

Autism strategies don’t work on my eldest they make thing 100 times worse.

Christ, sounds like you're banging your head off a brick wall. It makes me so sad to hear people are desperate for help and not getting it. 

If you wanted to DM me your town/city I am happy to help reach out for local help in your area. I know as an adult with mental health concerns I am able to get help at the drop of a hat, providing I pay for it. 

Maybe take a look at https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists and see if you can find a local person? I'm afraid I don't have the foggiest clue what the provisions are for children. 

Regardless of getting help for him, which is a whole other box of frogs, can you maybe look for someone for you and your partner to speak to? This must be having a horrendous effect on you both too, and you need a lot of mental resilience to get through this. 

Good luck x

Hi Autumn trees, 

Thank you for your sympathy, 

The stress takes its toll and I wish I could fix the situation or make it better. I am trying approaches but have yet to find something to help. 

My son looks forward to holidays so we always book weekend breaks and a good  week holiday so he can explore and he just loves door handles and can see and open so much in a hotel. 

We try to give him the best life. 

We did try to go private for a therapist. There is 18 months of waiting at least and most have closed their lists. 

We were happy to travel to London, but have had no luck getting him on a list shorter that 18months. 

Unless through Skype, but this isn't ideal as he doesn't have the time of day to talk to family or friends on this. 

I'd love just for someone to see him. 

No matter how many times I have said to the GP he is walking out in front of cars to ' hurt himself' saying when we are camping he wants to jump into the sea to kill himself 

No one is listening. 

So sorry to rant! 

I just feel I'm asking for professional help and getting no where

Thank you for your kind reply x

Hello Homebird, 

Thank you for replying. 

We absolutely do a timetable I make it and we draw the days together so he knows and can cross off each day. 

Thank you though for the suggestion. 

School mornings and after school are just as difficult unfortunately, in the summer at least the outbursts happen and I know what's wrong after school he is very upset and will scream for hours. And break things and be so upset but I don't know whats happened at school and the school often say is is fine, even if he has been sat out yet again for fighting which I hear from other children. 

I'd love to do more courses. 

I have managed a few but it's hard to fit in everything I will look out for some local courses 

They don't offer a call back yet as he hasn't seen anyone yet. We have been waiting over a year for our referral. 

Every time this things happen we see the GP and the same answer, that they will chase CAHMS 

Thank you for replying though. I will have a look at some courses xx

Hi ABC - 

I don't have children so I won't even begin to start giving you advice but this situation sounds extremely frightening to me, so I offer you every sympathy I can. I can't imagine what you must be going through at home.

I am particularly alarmed by two things: the fact that he is taking out his aggression on your little girl and the fact that you can't even leave him unmonitored long enough to take a shower. His physical outbursts sound really frightening, if he's capable of hitting and hurting so much at his size now, just try and fathom when he's a 20 year old and potentially still so out of control. 

I don't know what your position is but could you and your husband afford to get him specialist help privately? It feels like something that needs to be looked into ASAP rather than waiting for the creaking cogs of the system to see him, and even then, how thorough will the care be? (I doubt very).

I have always been autistic but I have never been full of rage or wanted to 'kill' anyone, plus my parents instilled far too much fear in me to lash out like you outlined, so maybe this is something more than just autism? I take lots of medications for my mental health and they really help. Perhaps if someone would look at him on a holistic level eg. take everything into consideration (not just focus on autism and only autism) they could identify areas he struggles in and even suggest a drug to help level him out? 

Please do keep reaching out for help on here, there are lots of really smart and helpful people available to chip in on all sorts of subjects. 

Sorry I don't have any first-hand advice or experience to relay to you.

Losing control of something causes anxiety so I am thinking he needs to be in a situation where as much as possible is predictable. As it is the summer holiday is the uncertainty making things more difficult?

I wonder if you have a less relaxed routine at the moment? My son likes mealtimes to be predictable, at the same time and some days the same meal on the same day. If something is happening he likes to know the time in advance. When he was younger we used to plan the holidays with what would happen each day so there was as much predictability as possible and do a timetable with him. I apologize if you are already doing something like this. 

There are charities run by parents with neurodiverse children who understand, that run courses with ideas of things to help and also do one to one support. You may be able to research this or contact a family centre or other service locally which might have information.

Regarding CAMHS it may be worth contacting them to explain that your situation is getting particularly difficult and is there any help they can offer sooner. Do they have a call back service available? This is something we were able to do when there was a particularly difficult situation, particularly is self harming or something concerning is involved.

This is exactly it! 

It's showing we will hit as well. 

It's to be a role model and rise above it. 

However in my case this isn't working, things being taken away doesn't work. There is no respect or reasoning or rational. 

It's so hard to manage. And I ask for help from school and Dr's and we get no where.

Hello Caelus

We have actually used the ' if you hit me, I hit you back's technique. 

This did not help. 

I felt awful and it escalated the situation a few times. Until we decided this wasn't our way forward. 

He has no fear 

Even happily is aggressive with teenagers/ strange adults.

We just have no support from anyone and as a mum I love my son! But I don't knownhow to help him with this anger/ brain voice he talks about and hurting himself 

It's the worst experience finding blood over his bed where he has hurt himself. 

Thank you for replying 

Agreed. I trained as a social worker and practise under the law of England and Wales. I do know a bit about Scots law, mainly about mental capacity, but it is not my area of expertise. Although I do not give professional advice on this site, any comments or suggestions I choose to make will be from an English perspective. Caveat lector.

This is fine, I guess an educated guess can be hurtful is all. 

We ensure my son has full control over his meals and poring what he wants and having the control. 

And I certainly have learnt the hard way from saying we are having pancakes then giving cereal due to no eggs. 

I know I can't change what I say and I know I can't be vague. I have learn this with time. 

And I dont tell him off for his anger but I do tell him off for being physical with his family and wrecking the house. 

Thank you for you advice and I see what your saying. 

But I feel in our case. Where he understands that we would sort out a situation over the ball. He sees red every time. 

There isn't a middle ground. 

Thank you for your input

Of course before this era of political correctness when child abuse was encouraged, our prisons were empty.

Using violence to get your way with a child teaches them that violence is a good way to get what you want. How can you answer them when they ask why it's okay for you but not them? 

But this isn’t an England only website, the person asking might very well be in Scotland.

" I can tell you the position regarding England and Wales. The other devolved administrations may have different laws and policies."

This is a good point. How are we approaching laws that vary between uk territories? For example if the Scottish government is successful in legalising personal drug use (unlikely I know but they are trying) Will it become acceptable to promote drug use here? Another example might be a variation of the Gretna green question. In Scotland 16 year olds can marry with out parental consent. In England they can't marry at all. How should we deal with an autistic 16 year old asking for advice about wanting to get married?

Hi,

This is a reminder of our rule 12 'Posts which are deemed by the moderation team to be promoting illegal activity or putting a person at risk will be deleted without warning.'  

Please note that the law on smacking varies throughout the UK. In Scotland and Wales, it is banned and in England and Wales it is It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except where this amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’.

For further information, please visit https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/the-law-on-smacking-children/ 

If you have any questions relating to this, please contact communitymanager@nas.org.uk 

Kind regards, 

Clare Mod