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Screen time advice with 11 year old son

Nikmum

Hi 

My son was assessed privately last year & didn't meet the threshold for ASD but there are a few traits & things he struggles with.  He has always loved screen time - playing games on his iPad & he would earn this time & there were set limits per day.  He also got a phone after Christmas as did lots of children at school - again he was only allowed this at certain times for set periods. However there were always issues and arguments when his time was up & we asked him to come off - even giving 15 min & 5 min warnings didn't help. He had a trip away to Spain with school which he struggled with & also has been anxious about leaving school & starting a new senior school.  As there was a lot less school work he had more time after school & we relaxed on the limits with screen time.  He joined some group chats with school friends (he hasn't actually got many close friends) & at first would make contact and play with them online.  This quickly changed to him playing on his own & alternating between minecraft on iPad to you tube videos on his phone - sometimes both at the same time.  As he is unable to use the phone & iPad reasonably we set timers on the phone as to when he can use it & for how long.  We said we were happy to discuss with him these timings & there will be occasions when he can have more however this week we have had a couple of melt downs & he is not willing to discuss this at all with us and instead wants us to remove all limits.  I really am at a loss as to how to communicate with him & put reasonable boundaries in place.  I can see over the past few weeks that if we don't he will be on the iPad & phone for hours at a time - he has started school holidays already.

Any advice will be gratefully received.

Parents
  • Nikmum said:
    I really am at a loss as to how to communicate with him & put reasonable boundaries in place.

    If I were in your situation I would make the rule enforcemeny strict - establish the need to follow them as when he has to navigate the teenage years ahead he will find more that there are people who will enforce rules much more harshly than you will for other things in life.

    You can agree ways for him to earn bonus time (completing certain chores to a certain standard) so he understands the way to earn things in general. A cap on this is sensible. It could help him learn useful life skills like housework, some cooking and other tasks (cutting the grass etc) - I was doing this at his age to earn pocket money rathe than screen time.

    If he is having meltdowns then it would help to work out what is the root cause - is it any kind of authority enforcement or is he "escaping" and does not like to have to come back to whatever is triggering him. In this case maybe enforce him having to play games only when around you so you can get a better feel for what is going on.

    I suspect he may have found a social group online in which he has found acceptance and is resisting being pulled out of it at the end of his time allowance - is seems that sort of age to me.

    When he is arguing about it, what are his reasons for wanting to continue? Are they specific about what he wants to do or are they fighting against the control?

  • in reply to Iain

    It feels to me like it's more about the control aspect - as the games are never ending he will not be able to resist the urge to continue - same with videos he's watching - just mindless nonsense that he's getting sucked into and yes I agree as an escape from dealing with reality / any anxiety he's feeling.  Prior to the phone he did it with books - having read Harry Potter series over & over 

  • in reply to Nikmum

    You could have the beginnings of an addition there - the symptoms match the compulsive consumption and lashing out when forced to stop.

    This is a fairly common predisposition for autists unfortunately..

    Does he have a therapist for his autism yet? If not it may be worth using this as the way to get the therapist to look into this and let you know if there is an issue which needs dealing with - they are also more likely to get his trust since they are less judgemental than parents (in his eyes).

    I'm not sure what the ethical bounds of therapist confidentiality are with children and parents, but I imaging they would be able to give you the high level feeback as you are the primary caregiver.

    The therapist should also be able to dig into why he has such a compulsion for escapism and help him develop better coping skills for the future.

Reply
  • in reply to Nikmum

    You could have the beginnings of an addition there - the symptoms match the compulsive consumption and lashing out when forced to stop.

    This is a fairly common predisposition for autists unfortunately..

    Does he have a therapist for his autism yet? If not it may be worth using this as the way to get the therapist to look into this and let you know if there is an issue which needs dealing with - they are also more likely to get his trust since they are less judgemental than parents (in his eyes).

    I'm not sure what the ethical bounds of therapist confidentiality are with children and parents, but I imaging they would be able to give you the high level feeback as you are the primary caregiver.

    The therapist should also be able to dig into why he has such a compulsion for escapism and help him develop better coping skills for the future.

Children
  • in reply to Nikmum
    Nikmum said:
    I have spoken to specialists / therapists about my son but perhaps the next step is for my son to see someone with or without us

    It may be worthwhile discussing with your GP and school as there is quite a bit of help for autistic children available now through these organisaions.

    While you wait for appointments, I recommend documenting the behaviour and maybe record the end of time allowance arguements from your first notice to the end of the shouting. Do this for a few and it will give good material for any therapist to work from.

    In the meantime you could consider making the rules a little more hard-and-fast. Maybe give him a 10 minute warning then he has to hand over the devices for quarantine. No arguements, no pleading, no variation.

    With more defined rules in place it should give structure he knows is unavoidable. After your initial introduction to what is going to happen, don't try to justify it again - you are the rule maker and your word is law. Make sure your husband is aware of what you plan to do and is going to support you.

    In this situation I don't think that being flexible will help - he is abusing the agreed limits and he needs to know that trying to push for his way will not work.

    Have an individual meetup with the therapist initially to explain your issues, give them any information / evidence to explain it and include your husbands pre-disposition to addictive behavior too. This will get them up to speed on the family situation before they start getting the input from your son who will tell the story very differently to you I'm sure.

    I would suggest seeing if you can get some apps that lock down the device once the time allowance is up - this way if you are distracted then there is no further temptation.

    Your som wlll probably go to friends houses to get around the restrictions, but that is unavoidable. I think it better to work on what you do have control over to regulate him.

    Good luck

  • in reply to Iain

    I have discussed with my son that we may need help from an external person and he is very against this - I'm open with him that his dad and I speak to someone who helps us with things we struggle with - his dad was recently diagnosed ASD & ADHD

    My son was even very against the assessment which took place at our house & I think he gave some expected answers rather than what he would have said if he was being honest

    I have spoken to specialists / therapists about my son but perhaps the next step is for my son to see someone with or without us.

    My husband also can become very addictive with his phone and doesn't play computer games as he knows he is likely to become addicted.