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Screen time advice with 11 year old son

Nikmum

Hi 

My son was assessed privately last year & didn't meet the threshold for ASD but there are a few traits & things he struggles with.  He has always loved screen time - playing games on his iPad & he would earn this time & there were set limits per day.  He also got a phone after Christmas as did lots of children at school - again he was only allowed this at certain times for set periods. However there were always issues and arguments when his time was up & we asked him to come off - even giving 15 min & 5 min warnings didn't help. He had a trip away to Spain with school which he struggled with & also has been anxious about leaving school & starting a new senior school.  As there was a lot less school work he had more time after school & we relaxed on the limits with screen time.  He joined some group chats with school friends (he hasn't actually got many close friends) & at first would make contact and play with them online.  This quickly changed to him playing on his own & alternating between minecraft on iPad to you tube videos on his phone - sometimes both at the same time.  As he is unable to use the phone & iPad reasonably we set timers on the phone as to when he can use it & for how long.  We said we were happy to discuss with him these timings & there will be occasions when he can have more however this week we have had a couple of melt downs & he is not willing to discuss this at all with us and instead wants us to remove all limits.  I really am at a loss as to how to communicate with him & put reasonable boundaries in place.  I can see over the past few weeks that if we don't he will be on the iPad & phone for hours at a time - he has started school holidays already.

Any advice will be gratefully received.

Parents
  • Nikmum said:
    I really am at a loss as to how to communicate with him & put reasonable boundaries in place.

    If I were in your situation I would make the rule enforcemeny strict - establish the need to follow them as when he has to navigate the teenage years ahead he will find more that there are people who will enforce rules much more harshly than you will for other things in life.

    You can agree ways for him to earn bonus time (completing certain chores to a certain standard) so he understands the way to earn things in general. A cap on this is sensible. It could help him learn useful life skills like housework, some cooking and other tasks (cutting the grass etc) - I was doing this at his age to earn pocket money rathe than screen time.

    If he is having meltdowns then it would help to work out what is the root cause - is it any kind of authority enforcement or is he "escaping" and does not like to have to come back to whatever is triggering him. In this case maybe enforce him having to play games only when around you so you can get a better feel for what is going on.

    I suspect he may have found a social group online in which he has found acceptance and is resisting being pulled out of it at the end of his time allowance - is seems that sort of age to me.

    When he is arguing about it, what are his reasons for wanting to continue? Are they specific about what he wants to do or are they fighting against the control?

Reply
  • Nikmum said:
    I really am at a loss as to how to communicate with him & put reasonable boundaries in place.

    If I were in your situation I would make the rule enforcemeny strict - establish the need to follow them as when he has to navigate the teenage years ahead he will find more that there are people who will enforce rules much more harshly than you will for other things in life.

    You can agree ways for him to earn bonus time (completing certain chores to a certain standard) so he understands the way to earn things in general. A cap on this is sensible. It could help him learn useful life skills like housework, some cooking and other tasks (cutting the grass etc) - I was doing this at his age to earn pocket money rathe than screen time.

    If he is having meltdowns then it would help to work out what is the root cause - is it any kind of authority enforcement or is he "escaping" and does not like to have to come back to whatever is triggering him. In this case maybe enforce him having to play games only when around you so you can get a better feel for what is going on.

    I suspect he may have found a social group online in which he has found acceptance and is resisting being pulled out of it at the end of his time allowance - is seems that sort of age to me.

    When he is arguing about it, what are his reasons for wanting to continue? Are they specific about what he wants to do or are they fighting against the control?

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    It feels to me like it's more about the control aspect - as the games are never ending he will not be able to resist the urge to continue - same with videos he's watching - just mindless nonsense that he's getting sucked into and yes I agree as an escape from dealing with reality / any anxiety he's feeling.  Prior to the phone he did it with books - having read Harry Potter series over & over