Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.
This is my first time posting, my first time talking to anyone outside family, school or professionals so please be patient with me.
My daughter is 13, funny, beautiful, a fashionista, caring and is my whole world. I am a single mum and she is my only child and I wouldn't change her for the world but I would change the fact that secondary school is making her so unhappy and depressed.
She has only recently been diagnosed but I believe she has had autism from a very early age, as a toddler she used to wander off, escape from home, her buggy and even from preschool, she didn't really play make believe like her little friends but loved playing with clothes pegs and Lego, she has always had an adversity to certain fabrics, textures, sounds and flavours and although she was one of the first to string a full sentence together she has never really been able to describe how she is feeling but rather reacts in ways others have always found difficult or even odd.
She was ok throughout primary school, a few encounters with other children and I regularly had to have meetings about her making unpleasant noises when the class was meant to be working but nothing major. She was happy, had friends and actually enjoyed school and learning.
Since starting Secondary school after lockdown 2 years ago everything has changed, at school, with her friends, and even at home, by this I mean her behaviour, her mental health, her mood, her lust for life.
She is self harming, she runs out of school, skips classes, has emotional and disruptive outbursts, she swears when she is overwhelmed and this has caused a lot of trouble for her at school, she has been suspended 3 times and has had countless detentions. She is not coping at all and I am really worried that school above all else is her biggest trigger and I feel awful making her go, like I am adding to her internal pain.
The school have been trying new things to help, she now has a red card that she can use during lesson to get some cool off time which does seem to help but they have also changed all her classes (timetable) hoping it would help her but it's mde things worse as she is now confused by where her new classes are, anxious about who is in them and is now with teachers who don't know her or how to deal with her and this is another worry for me as every year she will have to go through these changes after the summer holidays which is already a battle to get her back to school after so long off.
She had another meltdown today as she was anxious I believe about going into another new class and meeting another new teacher so she ran, she left the school grounds and rang me up in floods of tears, she even wet herself from panic I think, thankfully she told me where she was and I got on my mobility scooter and went and found her. The school have now told me that they are so concerned about her tendancy to run from school that they want to keep her separate from the other pupils during break time and put her with a member of staff, they also want her to do half days and send her home before lunch but they are unwilling to put her back onto her old timetable.
Suffice it to say that my daughter is very unhappy, confused and refusing to go to school at all.
I am currently awaiting a EHCP, LIT team and a referral to Legacy for her. Until these things come through I am really struggling to get the school to understand how her brain works and why she reacts and blows up the way she is and I don't know how or even if I can convince my daughter to go into school for the rest of this week let alone til the summer holidays.
All I want is for my gorgeous girl to be happy and for others not to see her as a problem but see the girl I see, the funny and loving girl that just wants to be accepted.
What on earth is the school doing changing her routine? That’s only going to escalate things, poor girl. You say she’s recently diagnosed. That’s going to take many months if not longer to adjust to. She’s trying to process that, while fit in with the demands of a noisy, anxiety inducing school day. It’s much different from primary and even junior school. You aren’t given as much routine, and you have all these new people and friends to make, and it’s all very social. It’s a minefield for an Autistic child.
My child has suffered the same, leaving college in the day, not turning up, fleeing, school refusal, self harm, poor mental health….it was a very dark time for all of us.
Th school should be more proactive. Detentions, Exclusions etc is out of order. As for behaviour and language, that’s just part of her meltdowns and is unplanned and unscripted, and she probably won’t even realise what was said in detail. It’s not her fault. She needs to lessen stimulation. Work with her to Find out what she cannot tolerate the most at school. And ensure she has regular time out, or can sit in lessens at the back, or even outside the door to work. Give her a quiet place to stay at break to calm herself. At home, plenty of rest and things she enjoys….if there is anything at the moment that she can absorb herself in. Encourage stimming at home if it will help.
I doubt she’s would be receptive to any form of therapy right now, but you could ask her. Bring all concerns to the school SEND representative to work out the best strategy for your daughter. They should only put in place measures that your daughter has requested as long as it’s feasible.
Guarding your daughter is only going to make things worse, they tried to do the same with my child, and ask me to collect them because they didn’t know what she would do. Basically they couldn’t be bothered, so wanted me to take her…..