Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.
This is my first time posting, my first time talking to anyone outside family, school or professionals so please be patient with me.
My daughter is 13, funny, beautiful, a fashionista, caring and is my whole world. I am a single mum and she is my only child and I wouldn't change her for the world but I would change the fact that secondary school is making her so unhappy and depressed.
She has only recently been diagnosed but I believe she has had autism from a very early age, as a toddler she used to wander off, escape from home, her buggy and even from preschool, she didn't really play make believe like her little friends but loved playing with clothes pegs and Lego, she has always had an adversity to certain fabrics, textures, sounds and flavours and although she was one of the first to string a full sentence together she has never really been able to describe how she is feeling but rather reacts in ways others have always found difficult or even odd.
She was ok throughout primary school, a few encounters with other children and I regularly had to have meetings about her making unpleasant noises when the class was meant to be working but nothing major. She was happy, had friends and actually enjoyed school and learning.
Since starting Secondary school after lockdown 2 years ago everything has changed, at school, with her friends, and even at home, by this I mean her behaviour, her mental health, her mood, her lust for life.
She is self harming, she runs out of school, skips classes, has emotional and disruptive outbursts, she swears when she is overwhelmed and this has caused a lot of trouble for her at school, she has been suspended 3 times and has had countless detentions. She is not coping at all and I am really worried that school above all else is her biggest trigger and I feel awful making her go, like I am adding to her internal pain.
The school have been trying new things to help, she now has a red card that she can use during lesson to get some cool off time which does seem to help but they have also changed all her classes (timetable) hoping it would help her but it's mde things worse as she is now confused by where her new classes are, anxious about who is in them and is now with teachers who don't know her or how to deal with her and this is another worry for me as every year she will have to go through these changes after the summer holidays which is already a battle to get her back to school after so long off.
She had another meltdown today as she was anxious I believe about going into another new class and meeting another new teacher so she ran, she left the school grounds and rang me up in floods of tears, she even wet herself from panic I think, thankfully she told me where she was and I got on my mobility scooter and went and found her. The school have now told me that they are so concerned about her tendancy to run from school that they want to keep her separate from the other pupils during break time and put her with a member of staff, they also want her to do half days and send her home before lunch but they are unwilling to put her back onto her old timetable.
Suffice it to say that my daughter is very unhappy, confused and refusing to go to school at all.
I am currently awaiting a EHCP, LIT team and a referral to Legacy for her. Until these things come through I am really struggling to get the school to understand how her brain works and why she reacts and blows up the way she is and I don't know how or even if I can convince my daughter to go into school for the rest of this week let alone til the summer holidays.
All I want is for my gorgeous girl to be happy and for others not to see her as a problem but see the girl I see, the funny and loving girl that just wants to be accepted.
I have been through this with my daughter. She is now 18 and out of the school system. It sounds like your daughter is in burn out. She needs time to recover. I would keep her home and allow her the time to get better. No pressure or expectations from anyone. You are a great Mum.
Just a couple of things from my experience with my son after regular incidents. We have regular contact with the SENCO when things go wrong and she will contact other staff when something happens because they have not understood him. He now finally has somewhere he is happy to go in school when he can't face something like a particular lesson.
I am also wondering if your daughter was consulted when the changes were made.
Hopefully you will have the opportunity to discuss the situation with school.
What on earth is the school doing changing her routine? That’s only going to escalate things, poor girl. You say she’s recently diagnosed. That’s going to take many months if not longer to adjust to. She’s trying to process that, while fit in with the demands of a noisy, anxiety inducing school day. It’s much different from primary and even junior school. You aren’t given as much routine, and you have all these new people and friends to make, and it’s all very social. It’s a minefield for an Autistic child.
My child has suffered the same, leaving college in the day, not turning up, fleeing, school refusal, self harm, poor mental health….it was a very dark time for all of us.
Th school should be more proactive. Detentions, Exclusions etc is out of order. As for behaviour and language, that’s just part of her meltdowns and is unplanned and unscripted, and she probably won’t even realise what was said in detail. It’s not her fault. She needs to lessen stimulation. Work with her to Find out what she cannot tolerate the most at school. And ensure she has regular time out, or can sit in lessens at the back, or even outside the door to work. Give her a quiet place to stay at break to calm herself. At home, plenty of rest and things she enjoys….if there is anything at the moment that she can absorb herself in. Encourage stimming at home if it will help.
I doubt she’s would be receptive to any form of therapy right now, but you could ask her. Bring all concerns to the school SEND representative to work out the best strategy for your daughter. They should only put in place measures that your daughter has requested as long as it’s feasible.
Guarding your daughter is only going to make things worse, they tried to do the same with my child, and ask me to collect them because they didn’t know what she would do. Basically they couldn’t be bothered, so wanted me to take her…..
At 13 i was very unhappy, confused and refused to go to school. I played truant on my own, i was lost. I wanted to be at home, despite it not being a very happy place. Let your funny, loving daughter stay at home for now with her mum. X
I'm an adult man that doesn't have kids, nor am I an autism expert. All I can do is empathize with her and imagine what I would need. I expect others on here to have better-suited responses.
I imagine she feels very alone, misunderstood, and overwhelmed as she is being pushed beyond her limits. She's so misunderstood, that she doesn't even understand herself. She might also have very low self-esteem. She's in near panic frequently, which leads to panic about being in panic. She seems like she's trying to survive by running away whenever possible. If she can't runaway, she breaks down to try to stop the overwhelming factors or begging the world for mercy. She's not socially fitting in, and her body is likely going to major developmental changes, possibly making her feel that she might not even fit in with herself.
If I were in that situation, I would need everything to stop so that I could recover. I would need to go to an environment for sometime where I can completely reset and regain some sense of control. A place where the only things that exist are me, a supportive & compassionate person that provides unconditional positive regard, and my coping tools, while all necessities are covered. Then, I would need to review what's been going on at a slow peaceful pace that respects my processing speed. The review would help me understand who I am, where I am, and why. This is essential because while the neurotypical kids have been receiving this guidance tailored to their brains nearly everywhere they go, I would not have and feel like something in the area of a failure, broken, or doomed. After understanding where I am at, we could come up with a plan on how to slowly re-integrate.
The plan would have explicitly stated goals and paths to achieve those goals. I would need to create a list of signs that I'm becoming overwhelmed and what to do once I notice those signs. Once I'm ready to return to society, re-integration would be a slowwww process that uses daily opportunities to engage in my plan. There would be frequent purposeful check-ins that adhere to behaviors that help me become aware as autistic people can be disconnected from their mental state. For example, I am generally unaware of how I am doing, so I check in by paying attention to the music I am listening to, the behaviors I am engaging in, the behaviors I am avoiding, writing how I'm feeling, and discussing it with people that understand me. The reintegration plan would also include ideas for what to do when the plan does not go as expected. The purpose would be to learn about myself, society, and how to navigate the world while understanding what I can and cannot control.
Again, this is me explaining what I (a 41 y/o single man with no kids in the US) would need should I be in your daughter's position, so at best, it can help you with some insight. Maybe there's an agency that provides services for autistic kids in your area that could help by either providing education, actual services, daycare/education for your daughter, or referrals to other agencies that may be of help. Also, don't forget that you need support too. Raising a child that doesn't fit in with the general setup of society can be overwhelming itself, and an overwhelmed parent will be limited in their ability to raise an overwhelmed kid. Please make sure to take care of yourself! Your daughter's well-being depends on it.
Above all, I'm happy that she has a mom that is so concerned with her well-being. Thanks for being such a caring and supportive mother of your daughter's beautiful brain