Published on 12, July, 2020
My daughter is a twin (she has autism and her sister doesn’t) she started senior school in September. The first few months she went okay but then she started suffering with very bad suicidal thoughts and was constantly battling with feeling ‘abnormal’
She has missed a lot of time at school but will not communicate, ask questions, be in a group etc so now we have tried her going 9-12 in the well-being department. Where she will not speak or ask for anything they just leave her in a room as obviously there is no one to sit 1-1 with her. we are currently in the process of hopefully getting an EHCP but in the meantime it’s as and when I can get her in as she just refuses and shuts down, won’t get dressed, won’t even get out of bed some days and will just have a serious meltdown if I try and force it which can lead to her becoming very aggressive.
Her twin sister who is obviously in the same school has developed a hate for me because she sees it as I am letting her sister not go to school but making her go which is causing so much upset every morning. It’s just an awful situation at the moment. Any advice on how to deal with the school situation? Any suggestions on how to deal with it etc really would be much appreciated. I don’t know who to turn to because no one seems to understand just how hard it is :(
I don’t have any useful suggestions but I’m posting to say I’m in a similar position to you in some ways and am sending you support.
My daughter has also been suicidal this year (year 7) due to problems at school. She doesn’t have a twin but does have a sister in the year above who is furious with me for allowing my year 7 autistic daughter to attend school part time.
Everything I do for one daughter seems to upset the other.
It is unbelievably hard - I believe and understand you - and I think there are plenty of others out there struggling too. I don’t think there are any easy answers. One on one time with either child helps, if you can manage it.
I have been taking a PDA approach at home to minimise pressure (See Eliza Fricker’s blogs and books including ‘can’t not won’t’). And I’ve given up limiting screen time until bedtime as it seems to help. I’m trying to let go of all of society’s rules about parenting…
A very massive good luck and hang in there. There are so many amazing autistic adults out there who have been through awful times. I think of them when my daughter is at her most distressed. It will get better.
This breaks my heart. She knows she's different, she has probably experienced a lifetime of miscommunication in her short life and it sounds like she has lost hope. She needs an ADHD friend and/or a dyslexic friend, which might be easier to find than an autistic friend, as we're more rare. She needs someone who speaks her language it seems.
There could be so many things going on which she might have an incredible difficulty communicating. I have alexithymia. No one noticed this until I was 26 in a couples therapy office. The psychologist noticed I had extraordinary difficulty understanding my emotions. When he asked me, I was shocked but also in that moment enlightened. The boyfriend I was in the office with, got incredibly angry, accused me of being immoral. And stormed out of the room. I'm sharing this with you because this is one instance of far too many difficulties with external and internal communication I experienced growing up and the impact wasn't just rejection. In a different era, I would've been burned at the stake.
I'm nearly 50, have a son who's dyslexic, but didn't even know how much untapped potential I had - it simply built up over time and became this increasing source of frustration. But when I was in school, I was given all kinds of reasonable adjustments. I wasn't made to sit in a lunchroom, I could escape to quiet spaces, I could sleep in the nurses office and so on. There was natural light, the windows opened, we were all undiagnosed, but I always attracted that one ADHD friend who I somehow knew had my back.
School today is VERY different. It used to work for all of us, but now it's structured in such a way that it's no longer suitable for autistic kids. I have some suggestions which might help your autistic daughter. But first...
It's OK that your kids are at odds with you. You're their guardian, their protector, you're investing in their future in the best possible way. If you were a stream of water, and they fish, they would thrash against your banks but you would keep them safe in the stream. And that's our only job - to see them thrive in life and keep them safe until they can.
Your non-autistic daughter may be appealed to by reinforcing her unique being. Yes, they're twins, but Non-autistic society is persuaded by what is unique and authentic to the self. I would suggest autistics, growing up experiencing marginalising too much, want to find out what makes them human, just like everyone else, not too unique.
While your autistic daughter is home, I would suggest to look into https://www.sapere.org.uk/. Get her thinking about things beyond herself. And involved in growing her capacity to use vocabulary. Logic, for instance, is the formula for how humans think and reason, how we create an evaluation. See if she is interested in learning this, as it might help greatly. Logic and philosophy can help us use a potentially natural ability to think laterally. When young, many females can seem like they're in a "fog". We tend to be more affected by social rejection for whatever reason and seemingly unable to focus for being so overwhelmed.
Just know, she's not intentionally not communicating. It's a 99% that she can't. And the school may not be equipped to deal with this properly.
Reach out to this company and see if they know about educating schools better https://www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk/