Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, my name is Sue.
My daughter is 26 years' old and was diagnosed (privately) with ADHD, Autism and PTSD about 18 months' ago. This followed several years of being prescribed a variety of anti-depressants and several rounds of CBT through the NHS. We are funding her psychiatric treatment and therapy privately. My daughter tells me that she first became aware of the need to "mask" from the age of about 8.and I can recall her saying to me "Mummy, I am different" and my response was "different doesn't mean bad, sweetpea". She presents as a confident and vibrant young woman because of her learned strategies. The amount of energy and stress this means for her has led to a series of "burnouts" which impacts on her ability to work.
My experience, so far, is that there is lots of support and guidance out there for how to support your child, far less on supporting adults. What I crave is a non-judgemental forum where I can share candidly the impact this is having on me and the rest of the family. Is there anyone else out there who has felt any of the following:
I realise that this list is becoming rather long:( Do any of you recognise any part of my emotional roller coaster?
Hello Sue @NAS85436 I could have written it myself. My daughter aged 23 recently diagnosed ASD and awaiting assessment for ADHD. Thank you for your post. I don't feel so alone with my feelings.
Thank you so much for your acknowledgement. It is difficult to express these feelings when you and others around you are always focused on your daughter's needs. As I said in a later post, I am going to make some enquiries about getting some support myself.
You have probably noticed that there are a number of comments about parent relationships. All I would say is that you can only do your best and part of that is looking after yourself, too.
It might help you to know that my daughter has said that she would not change her diagnosis and is starting to recognise the talents this gives her. It is a long journey for us both but I have hope that she can find an environment where she can flourish and have a happy and fulfilled life.
In terms of my relationship with my daughter, we both feel that because of the nature of the conversations we have had, our bond is much deeper.
Thanks for your lovely and quick reply. One thing I do my best to keep in mind is self care as I have worked in mental health support. My daughter has always struggled with feeling overwhelmed.She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and although I could help her so far, I always felt there was more going on and so did she. A psychiatrist, glibly, we feel said borderline personality disorder...and advised she went out more and got on with life! which sent my daughter into a complete spin and she googled like crazy, and I was sure it was not correct diagnosis. She was given a 6 week one hour a week course of CBT. I and many others feel BPD or EUPD is a contentious and extremely unhelpful diagnosis. She now has an excellent private psychotherapist . She had 'help' from CAHMS since she began severely pulling her hair out aged 12 and still does. She has been diagnosed moderately dyslexic at aged 8 years, she has social anxiety and has had disordered eating. The possibility of autism and ADHD was raised by ourselves in 2021 and a supportive GP referred, but we had an 18 month wait. We are relieved to have a diagnosis and there was great support during assessment. She will attend a support group through them The centre also will assess ADHD and part fund appointments regarding hair pulling (trichotillomania). It's early days. She started an art degree but only managed one term. She desperately wants to work and 'fit in' but fears 'burn out'. Like your daughter she masks and is confident and lively. I too hope she finds an environment to thrive in. We have no other family so I feel incredibly responsible. If you've got this far , thanks so much.
Your comments on feelings all resonate and I find setting boundaries which I now try make very clear is difficult and even feels cruel .. but I get exhausted as her most common time to talk , and for hours, is late at night. I work 24 hours at moment. If I make plans I often cancel as she needs me. It's easy to feel resentful.
She says she doesn't want to be a burden and I don't want her to feel she is. We have a close relationship and she says we get on most of the time ... that's good enough for me! I am optimistic person so I feel the relationship will be deeper as more understanding develops. She has so much to give, so empathetic, creative and loves to have fun, I really want her to have a happy fulfilling life. I am pleased to have found this group and will continue to look for and give support. Felt good to share.Thanks. May.
Gosh May! If you work in mental health support, you must know your onions! My daughter did 3 rounds of CBT (really all that was on offer) which was absolute torture for her. I also appreciate that supporting your own daughter is a different level of challenge.
Your description of your lovely daughter (so much pride coming through from you) is like looking at my own daughter. So far, she has found the psychotherapy the most beneficial especially in processing her trauma. Sue