12yo Daughter struggling with friendships

Reading through this, I had some similar issues. She needs to begin to understand how friendships are built and invested in. She's old enough and sounds like she's smart enough to think about this.

There is a good amount of wisdom missing from modern society in the art of choosing and becoming friends. How to identify someone we might have common values with and affording them space by -not managing but becoming responsible with our control issues. Now, with kids sometimes we have to teach them to appropriate control. "You can be fully engorged in your cat or dog or hours in an art project, but humans get frightened when you smother them". This is where a pet is helpful or allowing hyper-focus on a talent of some sort. We can learn to do this as adults, consciously reason with ourselves and continually acknowledge our extremely intense and overpowering feelings. It could also be helpful to find other groups of ADHD and Austisic kids, as they tend to accept each other's intensities. 

Another element here is the lunch period. When I was young (undiagnosed) I felt conflicted in this miniature society which a school creates. I would be overwhelmed while wanting to be friends because these little tribes were created around me. But often the lunchroom was too much, or I'd end up alone and discovered that there were secret spaces around the school I would go to during these social breaks. Looking back, it was actually fundamentally important to have a bit of solitude mid day. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now. If there's an art class or a library or somewhere she can regroup in, she may find just engaging a mid-day social pause is better for her well-being. It may feel like the opposite of what she wants, but we rarely understand our selves in youth. The practice of doing the opposite can actually be an immensely helpful practice for growth. It provides us with a moment to re-think and that will feel like an eternity when young, while being the split second that is needed as an adult so we do not become unhinged. 

As a parent (I have a son), it can also be hard to hold back our own feelings and emotions regarding our children's encounters. Now, obviously, they might welcome a parents determination for justice - balance. But, I've always tried to be mindful to not be too emotional when my son is overwhelmed so he feels there is always emotional room to transfer his big feelings to me as someone who can absorb them without reactions. It can create a stability for them. I also find its been useful to help him question what he really needs. Sometimes it's not a best friend or an other. There is always time in life to make good friends which last and momentary ones have different requirements.  A best friendship takes a long time to build. 

For now, she will be lost and confused by what seems or appears like "bonds" between other girls and peers. Perhaps you can explore different types of relationships and their Rules for Engagement. Non-Autistic individuals are not as deeply impacted and so don't always mind momentary acquaintances which take little effort or work relationships which don't last once the work situations change. I used to use the idea of the solar system to assign others to my orbit and depending how close they were would dictate the rules which I allowed myself to engage with. This might be useful, too. x

She is very lucky to have you fighting her corner :-)

Thank you for your reply, yes she does really struggle with boundaries and I think this is the main issue when trying to make friends, I just wish she could meet 1 person who was her best friend who she would always have by her side but sadly no one ever seems to stick.

that’s a great idea I will look into it , that might just be what she needs.

Thank you for your response, yes I think a club is a really good idea and something we need to look into I just don’t want to overwhelm her with all of these changes at once.

Sorry to hear what your also going through, sometimes I wish she would prefer time alone, however she wants to be liked by everyone and she often said it makes her feel sad when she watches other girls with big groups of friends which is absolutely heartbreaking.

perhaps your son struggles with the anxiety side of things? My daughter used to be like that in primary school she would be too scared to make friends as she was worried about them rejecting her and her anxiety used to make her over analyse.

now we have a confirmed start date for the new school I will request a chat with the sendco but they have stated they will put support in place immediately.

I have requested an ehcp but it takes a while in our county.

The pastoral team at both the schools so far find my daughter difficult , one even stated that it’s hard because she ‘looks’ normal it’s difficult to explain to other children why she behaves in certain ways

she is such a lovely funny person, but you have to be able to handle her instenseness to see that side of her and sadly most people find her too overbearing to get close enough.

Thank you I will have a look through 

Also, it sounds like your daughter struggles with boundaries and gauging social connections. I can also very much relate to this. I wish I had concrete advice to offer, but it's something I'm still struggling to learn at this stage. If there are groups for Autistic children and young people in your area, it might help if she can form connections with others whose thinking is more closely aligned with her own.

Hi,
I'm autistic, AFAB and 22. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters struggles - this sounds painful and overwhelming, and given how many of us find change difficult the frequent moving must be very disorientating. Sadly though, it sounds like the moves are last resorts. 

I also really struggle with friendships. That's always been the case, but for me it's manifested very differently. At primary school I had two friends (at separate times) and preferred to spend time alone. The pressure to integrate increased when I moved to a big secondary school. Thankfully, I was mostly protected from bullying as I was always with a TA, (I'm blind as well). I wonder if it might; possible to discuss this kind of support with the school - but having an adult there all the time can also discourage other students from interacting with us, so it might take some experimenting to find a good balance.

Someone here suggested clubs/extracuriular activities, which I think could be a great idea. Are there groups at her new school or in your area that could align with your daughter's interests?

Wishing you much luck with the school move, I really hope things improve. 

Completely get where you are coming from with this. My 11 year old son is also struggling socially at high school but he is isolating himself. I have persuaded him to join some of the clubs on offer during tutor time and break time (lego club, board games and drama club) where he joins in but hasn't made any friends, but lunch times he is on his own. School have been really good trying to encourage him to join other students but he's not having any of it.

There is low level bullying, but nothing like your daughter is going through. Have you had a meeting with the SENDCO at the new school? And the head of year/pastoral team?

Hello NAS84457

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has struggled with forming friendships at school. You may find it useful to have a look at the following information from the NAS on 'making friends', which is aimed at parents of children with autism: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends/parents-and-carers

I hope this helps,

ChloeMod