12yo Daughter struggling with friendships

Also, it sounds like your daughter struggles with boundaries and gauging social connections. I can also very much relate to this. I wish I had concrete advice to offer, but it's something I'm still struggling to learn at this stage. If there are groups for Autistic children and young people in your area, it might help if she can form connections with others whose thinking is more closely aligned with her own.

Thank you for your reply, yes she does really struggle with boundaries and I think this is the main issue when trying to make friends, I just wish she could meet 1 person who was her best friend who she would always have by her side but sadly no one ever seems to stick.

that’s a great idea I will look into it , that might just be what she needs.

Reading through this, I had some similar issues. She needs to begin to understand how friendships are built and invested in. She's old enough and sounds like she's smart enough to think about this.

There is a good amount of wisdom missing from modern society in the art of choosing and becoming friends. How to identify someone we might have common values with and affording them space by -not managing but becoming responsible with our control issues. Now, with kids sometimes we have to teach them to appropriate control. "You can be fully engorged in your cat or dog or hours in an art project, but humans get frightened when you smother them". This is where a pet is helpful or allowing hyper-focus on a talent of some sort. We can learn to do this as adults, consciously reason with ourselves and continually acknowledge our extremely intense and overpowering feelings. It could also be helpful to find other groups of ADHD and Austisic kids, as they tend to accept each other's intensities. 

Another element here is the lunch period. When I was young (undiagnosed) I felt conflicted in this miniature society which a school creates. I would be overwhelmed while wanting to be friends because these little tribes were created around me. But often the lunchroom was too much, or I'd end up alone and discovered that there were secret spaces around the school I would go to during these social breaks. Looking back, it was actually fundamentally important to have a bit of solitude mid day. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now. If there's an art class or a library or somewhere she can regroup in, she may find just engaging a mid-day social pause is better for her well-being. It may feel like the opposite of what she wants, but we rarely understand our selves in youth. The practice of doing the opposite can actually be an immensely helpful practice for growth. It provides us with a moment to re-think and that will feel like an eternity when young, while being the split second that is needed as an adult so we do not become unhinged. 

As a parent (I have a son), it can also be hard to hold back our own feelings and emotions regarding our children's encounters. Now, obviously, they might welcome a parents determination for justice - balance. But, I've always tried to be mindful to not be too emotional when my son is overwhelmed so he feels there is always emotional room to transfer his big feelings to me as someone who can absorb them without reactions. It can create a stability for them. I also find its been useful to help him question what he really needs. Sometimes it's not a best friend or an other. There is always time in life to make good friends which last and momentary ones have different requirements.  A best friendship takes a long time to build. 

For now, she will be lost and confused by what seems or appears like "bonds" between other girls and peers. Perhaps you can explore different types of relationships and their Rules for Engagement. Non-Autistic individuals are not as deeply impacted and so don't always mind momentary acquaintances which take little effort or work relationships which don't last once the work situations change. I used to use the idea of the solar system to assign others to my orbit and depending how close they were would dictate the rules which I allowed myself to engage with. This might be useful, too. x

Reading through this, I had some similar issues. She needs to begin to understand how friendships are built and invested in. She's old enough and sounds like she's smart enough to think about this.

There is a good amount of wisdom missing from modern society in the art of choosing and becoming friends. How to identify someone we might have common values with and affording them space by -not managing but becoming responsible with our control issues. Now, with kids sometimes we have to teach them to appropriate control. "You can be fully engorged in your cat or dog or hours in an art project, but humans get frightened when you smother them". This is where a pet is helpful or allowing hyper-focus on a talent of some sort. We can learn to do this as adults, consciously reason with ourselves and continually acknowledge our extremely intense and overpowering feelings. It could also be helpful to find other groups of ADHD and Austisic kids, as they tend to accept each other's intensities. 

Another element here is the lunch period. When I was young (undiagnosed) I felt conflicted in this miniature society which a school creates. I would be overwhelmed while wanting to be friends because these little tribes were created around me. But often the lunchroom was too much, or I'd end up alone and discovered that there were secret spaces around the school I would go to during these social breaks. Looking back, it was actually fundamentally important to have a bit of solitude mid day. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do now. If there's an art class or a library or somewhere she can regroup in, she may find just engaging a mid-day social pause is better for her well-being. It may feel like the opposite of what she wants, but we rarely understand our selves in youth. The practice of doing the opposite can actually be an immensely helpful practice for growth. It provides us with a moment to re-think and that will feel like an eternity when young, while being the split second that is needed as an adult so we do not become unhinged. 

As a parent (I have a son), it can also be hard to hold back our own feelings and emotions regarding our children's encounters. Now, obviously, they might welcome a parents determination for justice - balance. But, I've always tried to be mindful to not be too emotional when my son is overwhelmed so he feels there is always emotional room to transfer his big feelings to me as someone who can absorb them without reactions. It can create a stability for them. I also find its been useful to help him question what he really needs. Sometimes it's not a best friend or an other. There is always time in life to make good friends which last and momentary ones have different requirements.  A best friendship takes a long time to build. 

For now, she will be lost and confused by what seems or appears like "bonds" between other girls and peers. Perhaps you can explore different types of relationships and their Rules for Engagement. Non-Autistic individuals are not as deeply impacted and so don't always mind momentary acquaintances which take little effort or work relationships which don't last once the work situations change. I used to use the idea of the solar system to assign others to my orbit and depending how close they were would dictate the rules which I allowed myself to engage with. This might be useful, too. x