Excessive need to talk things through - advice?

TBH that's equally prevalent in people with generalised anxiety, it's just that anxiety is common in autists so you get a lot of overlap.
My advice is for the first half or if it's gonna be a shorter one to nod along and remember you aren't actually required to input much, it's just wanting the occasional bit of acknowledgement that we're offloading, my other half does this now because he's realised I'm actually therapising myself when I do this. And if it's gonna go on for more than an hour or two say to your autist friend that this is the sort of thing best served by a journal because it's too difficult for you to keep track f every point after a while anyway. I assume this person knows of spoon theory? Maybe you can set limits based on that.

Hi Number, 

I will do my best to - it may take a while as things are very difficult for them at the moment so I think this sort of chat will need to happen when things have settled. But I'll do my best to update - it's so great that you would want to know to help others at another point. This really is such a great community on here!

Happy Sunday to you too. 

Hi Ann,  

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply to me. 

Yes setting boundaries is definitely something I'd like to happen. It's finding the right time to have this sort of chat. They're going through a lot at the moment and I think I need to wait until things settle a little as I don't want to compound onto existing problems. 

I often am not direct with what I'm saying (mainly for not wanting to cause hurt / make it seem like rejection) so thank you for reminding me that a lot of the time that could actually make things worse. As they are capable it's sometimes easy to slip into not remembering the "basics" of how to communicate effectively to them. 

I completely agree that the change of having these chats so frequently (multiple times a week) to something much less frequent or maybe less in time would be a huge change for them. So I think I need to think it through of how it could look reducing it down gradually to not instill a felling of total rejection. 

Offering to talk through alternatives is a great idea as that can help with the feeling of rejection that I'm still more than willing to help but perhaps not be the only source of it. 

Thank you again for your insight and advice. It's completely invaluable and I appreciate it a lot.

I am very pleased to hear all this.

I am confident that you will resolve the problem together - simply because you are friends.

If you can, please let us all know how you get on.

We are collectively interested in things like this so that we can improve our advice and knowledge.

Thanks for your response - and happy Sunday to you.

Hi Number, 

Thank you for sharing your perspective. 

I think I'll be using your script there as that's a great way to put it. 

And honestly it's so reassuring to hear that you and others agree that it is potentially too much in the long run for my own health and others involved too! I want to continue helping and not dread if they've had a bad day that it'll be talking until 1am. As that won't help me go in with an active mindset to focus on helping where I can.

Thank you again - it means so much for you to have replied with your experiences and advice! I'm glad you have a good friend as well! 

Hi JuniperFromGallifrey, 

Thank you for your advice here. 

That's absolutely it with needing to be at my best to be able to continue helping others. At the moment I feel I'm running on empty a lot of the time. 

Suggesting alternative outlets for working things through sounds like a good suggestion. 

Also "Being responsible with and towards others" is very important.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply. 

Hi Homebird, 

Thank you so much for your comment. 

The writing things down sounds like an option. I often find writing down worries means I feel like it's I've done something!

Thank you again for replying. 

Hi, I am autistic and I can relate to the need to talk through problems too though 6 hours is rather a lot. I think you do need to put some boundaries in place here. You are being an amazing friend but it's more than understandable that this is just too much. The issue is that your friend has now become used to being able to rely on you as a listener and for emotional support and often for autistic people it can be particularly difficult to deal with change. What I am not sure about is how you can best put up boundaries without hurting your friend's feelings. 

Can you maybe just discuss the issue head on? Maybe when your friend is in a good mood? you could tell them that you really want to be there for them but that at the moment you are also struggling and you can't always talk that long anymore (or whatever you think is the appropriate boundary- think about how you would best handle this- you could pick a set day of the week to phone for a set time or just make her aware that sometimes you might have to cut it short - i don't know, think about what could be good for you?). You can also discuss some alternatives together in case you are not available. It is possible that they will feel hurt and rejected- I can relate to this because I used to be (and in some ways still am) very reliant on phoning my mum and I also phoned my stepfather at some points. And there were times when my stepfather would get overwhelmed and upset and didn't feel able to cope himself- he didn't handle it so well and it ended up in arguments etc. One of the issues was that he would never tell me straight out that it was not a good time or that it was too much of a drain on him at first - only later would I then find out and feel guilty on top of everything else. or he would get annoyed and we would start arguing etc. So I think, it could also be possible that your friend is currently completely unaware that these long calls are being a lot for you to cope with- so I think it is important you point it out- we are often not so good at picking up more subtle hints/ signs that it is too much. So that might help a lot already. 

If they end up feeling rejected initially, just give them some time to process, they will understand with time and might initially just feel desperate that one of their main sources of support has been reduced. You could also talk about alternatives. Like other people suggested, writing things down. And if they really are struggling there are a lot of helplines that they can call too, like Samaritans or Mind or CALM etc. Also what might be a good idea is to encourage them to post on this forum- that is a very good way to share your worries and get advice and support from lots of people. 

You could also try a subtler approach but I suspect they might either not get the message or then get upset if you try to stop them talking or start suggesting alternatives so my instinct is that it is best to have it all out in the open... but I don't know your friend so that is just a hunch and what I would probably prefer if I was the friend that was phoning a lot... 

Hope you figure out a way forward. You are being an amazing friend but you need to take care of yourself too. 

If I was that autistic person to whom you refer, I would want you to tell me that I was going OTT with the self-indulgent chatter.

I would hope that you would tell me in a nice way, perhaps with humour, something like "I don't want this to become a problem for us, so do you mind if I tell you when I zone-out from what you are telling me - with a "safe word" - something like "lets move on now please" because I'm not doing you any favours by becoming tired and not listening to you."

Thank you for being a good friend to your autistic chum.  I have a friend like you.  He lets me know that I'm going on too much by simply walking home - literally - often without necessarily saying what he is doing.  I do like unusual people!

We often process out loud. Depending on how old they are and they're abilities, you may be able to begin to suggest they spend a few hours every morning writing or typing everything out - or even speaking into the phone, but sometimes the information can get lost if then they don't spend time listening back and writing it down. 

If they're capable and in their 20s it could be good to stress that you want to listen but you don't always have the capacity. In order to be my best self for you, I also need time to regenerate. Reinforcing healthy habits, such as solitude, time spent researching or looking into a problem, time spent identifying more problems and then time spent writing things out are good to then create a matter of importance to present. This is a healthy form of engagement for friendship and work as everyone has so many burdens to carry and we cannot always carry others. If you can, inspire Being Responsible with and toward others. With children we don't create boundaries, but we help them create them. We might ask for accommodations from them though, and it's good to show them healthy ways to create a respectfulness by being a little vulnerable. 

I can understand the need to talk things through. I do this too although not for hours. I will run things through in my head first before sharing something which I then go on about if it is not getting resolved, often looking at it from different angles.

Sometimes I will write things down. I wonder if this is something they can do or perhaps send an email, but explain that you will take a while to reply. The reply could be short confirming receipt or that you understand they are having difficulty.

Also regarding work, depending on the type of work, some companies have organisations employees can call confidentiality to talk through problems.

Hi Shardovan, 

Thank you for replying with your thoughts and own experiences.That on it's own means a lot.

Wishing you a lovely day. 

I recognise the urge and I need to talk for hours (ideally) myself when I’m really falling apart, otherwise I just get sicker and sicker. But I don’t know what to advise. Six hour chats do sound gruelling, but if someone was patient enough I know I’d be going through over every nuance in iterative cycles too. Sorry it’s causing you so much exhaustion and stress, and I hope someone can help you with this.