Excessive need to talk things through - advice?

Hi, I am autistic and I can relate to the need to talk through problems too though 6 hours is rather a lot. I think you do need to put some boundaries in place here. You are being an amazing friend but it's more than understandable that this is just too much. The issue is that your friend has now become used to being able to rely on you as a listener and for emotional support and often for autistic people it can be particularly difficult to deal with change. What I am not sure about is how you can best put up boundaries without hurting your friend's feelings. 

Can you maybe just discuss the issue head on? Maybe when your friend is in a good mood? you could tell them that you really want to be there for them but that at the moment you are also struggling and you can't always talk that long anymore (or whatever you think is the appropriate boundary- think about how you would best handle this- you could pick a set day of the week to phone for a set time or just make her aware that sometimes you might have to cut it short - i don't know, think about what could be good for you?). You can also discuss some alternatives together in case you are not available. It is possible that they will feel hurt and rejected- I can relate to this because I used to be (and in some ways still am) very reliant on phoning my mum and I also phoned my stepfather at some points. And there were times when my stepfather would get overwhelmed and upset and didn't feel able to cope himself- he didn't handle it so well and it ended up in arguments etc. One of the issues was that he would never tell me straight out that it was not a good time or that it was too much of a drain on him at first - only later would I then find out and feel guilty on top of everything else. or he would get annoyed and we would start arguing etc. So I think, it could also be possible that your friend is currently completely unaware that these long calls are being a lot for you to cope with- so I think it is important you point it out- we are often not so good at picking up more subtle hints/ signs that it is too much. So that might help a lot already. 

If they end up feeling rejected initially, just give them some time to process, they will understand with time and might initially just feel desperate that one of their main sources of support has been reduced. You could also talk about alternatives. Like other people suggested, writing things down. And if they really are struggling there are a lot of helplines that they can call too, like Samaritans or Mind or CALM etc. Also what might be a good idea is to encourage them to post on this forum- that is a very good way to share your worries and get advice and support from lots of people. 

You could also try a subtler approach but I suspect they might either not get the message or then get upset if you try to stop them talking or start suggesting alternatives so my instinct is that it is best to have it all out in the open... but I don't know your friend so that is just a hunch and what I would probably prefer if I was the friend that was phoning a lot... 

Hope you figure out a way forward. You are being an amazing friend but you need to take care of yourself too. 

Hi, I am autistic and I can relate to the need to talk through problems too though 6 hours is rather a lot. I think you do need to put some boundaries in place here. You are being an amazing friend but it's more than understandable that this is just too much. The issue is that your friend has now become used to being able to rely on you as a listener and for emotional support and often for autistic people it can be particularly difficult to deal with change. What I am not sure about is how you can best put up boundaries without hurting your friend's feelings. 

Can you maybe just discuss the issue head on? Maybe when your friend is in a good mood? you could tell them that you really want to be there for them but that at the moment you are also struggling and you can't always talk that long anymore (or whatever you think is the appropriate boundary- think about how you would best handle this- you could pick a set day of the week to phone for a set time or just make her aware that sometimes you might have to cut it short - i don't know, think about what could be good for you?). You can also discuss some alternatives together in case you are not available. It is possible that they will feel hurt and rejected- I can relate to this because I used to be (and in some ways still am) very reliant on phoning my mum and I also phoned my stepfather at some points. And there were times when my stepfather would get overwhelmed and upset and didn't feel able to cope himself- he didn't handle it so well and it ended up in arguments etc. One of the issues was that he would never tell me straight out that it was not a good time or that it was too much of a drain on him at first - only later would I then find out and feel guilty on top of everything else. or he would get annoyed and we would start arguing etc. So I think, it could also be possible that your friend is currently completely unaware that these long calls are being a lot for you to cope with- so I think it is important you point it out- we are often not so good at picking up more subtle hints/ signs that it is too much. So that might help a lot already. 

If they end up feeling rejected initially, just give them some time to process, they will understand with time and might initially just feel desperate that one of their main sources of support has been reduced. You could also talk about alternatives. Like other people suggested, writing things down. And if they really are struggling there are a lot of helplines that they can call too, like Samaritans or Mind or CALM etc. Also what might be a good idea is to encourage them to post on this forum- that is a very good way to share your worries and get advice and support from lots of people. 

You could also try a subtler approach but I suspect they might either not get the message or then get upset if you try to stop them talking or start suggesting alternatives so my instinct is that it is best to have it all out in the open... but I don't know your friend so that is just a hunch and what I would probably prefer if I was the friend that was phoning a lot... 

Hope you figure out a way forward. You are being an amazing friend but you need to take care of yourself too. 

Hi Ann,  

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply to me. 

Yes setting boundaries is definitely something I'd like to happen. It's finding the right time to have this sort of chat. They're going through a lot at the moment and I think I need to wait until things settle a little as I don't want to compound onto existing problems. 

I often am not direct with what I'm saying (mainly for not wanting to cause hurt / make it seem like rejection) so thank you for reminding me that a lot of the time that could actually make things worse. As they are capable it's sometimes easy to slip into not remembering the "basics" of how to communicate effectively to them. 

I completely agree that the change of having these chats so frequently (multiple times a week) to something much less frequent or maybe less in time would be a huge change for them. So I think I need to think it through of how it could look reducing it down gradually to not instill a felling of total rejection. 

Offering to talk through alternatives is a great idea as that can help with the feeling of rejection that I'm still more than willing to help but perhaps not be the only source of it. 

Thank you again for your insight and advice. It's completely invaluable and I appreciate it a lot.