Published on 12, July, 2020
Our 9 year old daughter is pre diagnosis for ASD. She is bright and can be incredibly caring but she is having regular moments of complete defiance. She becomes spiteful, cruel and ignores every request for her to follow even basic instructions. We try speaking calmly to her, explaining the reasons we need her to do as she is told, becoming firm and giving clear boundaries and consequences but she ignores it all and refuses to do as she is asked. This can go on for hours and it results in me and husband getting distressed with each other, neglecting our other child and it spirals out of control. I have PTSD and GAD and I find myself wanting to run away rather than face her. She says she doesn't like the person she becomes in those occasions but she can't get out. I sympathize but in those moments she shows no empathy or care for her actions and seems lost. I'm terrified this will tear us all apart. She seems so angry all the time and despite all our efforts to find her support and a way to vent it just comes back as this nasty defiant child who seems to hate us and will do the opposite of everything we ask. She is also starting puberty so that's added a new dimension to. I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading.
Ah yes been there.. seriously though it may be the teenage hormones as my son was unpleasant as a teenager but it calmed down when he got to twenty. Hormones basically make us act in whatever way they want and we are at mercy of them. A thought did occur to me as have same combo here ie son with aspergers and me the mum with ptsd after working on myself for the sake of my son I did have enough clarity to see in fact that my underlying stress was being picked up on by him as he's uber sensitive and I find when I'm calm he is calm...I find if I get my own demons under control I have just enough energy left to help him its a tough ballance as u need to care for your self so you can be strong for them Aspergers demands more of your time and energy ie there is no break or time out..is best to look at yourself first ie how can you improve yourself in order to be able to give more to your child as sometimes they may need mum more first rather than the shrink. Try to have a heart to heart with her but keep it easy and listen to her give her space to react as sometimes it is hard to process things.
Thank you so much. I have been through therapy only recently completing a second course but it is a battle I am constantly trying to win. She is Asperger's end also and highly sensitive and we are one another's triggers without a doubt. It is a balance I'm not quite mastering and I am most definitely not good at being kind to myself. It is all so exhausting and perhaps I'm not giving myself the care I need to be able to care for her. I feel she deserves so much better than I give. I appreciate you taking time to comment. Just knowing it's not just me is a huge help.
Aspbergers will also affect ..an example is that my son says well that's what you did..ie he looks to me as to how he should go about In the world ie you have to lead by example..its more so with aspbergers because they are more vulnerable than a neuro typical kid...aspergers kid might seem at times they're being spiteful to you etc but it is only them behaving this way due to them not having the tools we have ..you know its because there is no other way to respond you see they have no other option choice..so it's not your child being horrible you see. And you have to trust that your child loves you even when it's challenging as to what I said about above...just trust and let it go over your head when you feel hurt by them as its not personal...trust and you may be surprised later on as my son can say something sometime and it's like damn that hurt that was cold etc but I let it slide coz of what I explained above.then another day he'll be all there for me 110% he'll do something for me that he put so much effort into and you know they care then..even if you didn't want it lol even though it has too be something they're interested in lol but you know that intention is still there
My daughter is much the same she can say incredibly hurtful things one minute then be bending over backwards to help me and say something so incredibly meaningful and beautiful the next. I know it is never personal but it does hurt. They are incredible people these children navigating the world.