Published on 12, July, 2020
Our 9 year old daughter is pre diagnosis for ASD. She is bright and can be incredibly caring but she is having regular moments of complete defiance. She becomes spiteful, cruel and ignores every request for her to follow even basic instructions. We try speaking calmly to her, explaining the reasons we need her to do as she is told, becoming firm and giving clear boundaries and consequences but she ignores it all and refuses to do as she is asked. This can go on for hours and it results in me and husband getting distressed with each other, neglecting our other child and it spirals out of control. I have PTSD and GAD and I find myself wanting to run away rather than face her. She says she doesn't like the person she becomes in those occasions but she can't get out. I sympathize but in those moments she shows no empathy or care for her actions and seems lost. I'm terrified this will tear us all apart. She seems so angry all the time and despite all our efforts to find her support and a way to vent it just comes back as this nasty defiant child who seems to hate us and will do the opposite of everything we ask. She is also starting puberty so that's added a new dimension to. I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading.
I see a child that is struggling. She cannot control her meltdowns, and finds them infuriating, however gentle and reassuring you are, she will still act the same way until you can figure out what her triggers are. She sounds like she’s trying to avoid sleeping. Could it be sensory issues with washing and brushing her teeth? Or something in her bed? Does she have a weighed blanket?
Demands are hard for some autistic people, so I think you need to find a new way of asking. There are methods to look up online, or you could try getting in touch with autismandadhd.org and request a video to watch which might help. She isn’t being nasty, and does have empathy. It’s just displayed differently. It can be very hard to understand as a parent, especially if you aren’t also autistic. It’s a long process to get to grips with, but I feel that things will improve as you all learn about each other.
We are continuing to explore what her triggers may be and have a weighted blanket which has been very helpful at times. Thank you for your recommendations to watch videos on asking the right questions and how to ask to. It's the start of a long journey and one we will travel together.