Supporting my 13 yo son with growing up

Hiya!

I’m an autistic teen, I understand your concerns. I like to write on online forums to develop my social skills.

I really didn’t want a phone but then my mum bought me one without me knowing when I was 16. she bought it for me to help communicate when I was out. I don’t use it much a part from when I am out.

Perhaps, if you got him a phone you could monitor what he does on it closely, just like setting some ground rules, like social media.

I think it is important he feels trusted and not being too intrusive so he can come to you with any worries.

I don’t think 13 is too young because many of his peers will probably have phone and perhaps it will help him to feel more connected.

I think you should think about the reasons you wouldn’t get him a phone, don’t treat him differently form any NT kid, if your reasons outweigh the pros for a phone then sit him down and explain why you have decided this.

Also ask him why he wants a phone and discuss any ground rules you would like to set.

I hope this helps!

Good luck.

My son is in a WhatsApp group with friends which works well. He also does not use his own picture. Also his phone us linked to our Google account, so we can see any new apps he might set up. Having discussed any he has previously tried he now understands why some things may not be safe.

Regarding going out on his own, when he first met friends to play football in a field by our park his Dad would take him and park in the nearby car park. He would often only stay a short while and make an excuse to friends when he had enough. Eventually he was happy for Dad to go and messaged him when he wanted to leave, if before an agreed time.

Thanks all for your replies. We're a pretty open household. We can talk about anything, my son is usually happy to talk to me about anything and everything. I guess as with all parenting, I'm being over cautious and over protective! I may try him with a phone for a little while to see how he gets on. I have an iPhone as well so will be useful for the parental locks, etc. 

He's my first and only child and I'm just really worried about his teenage years. He doesn't have the savvy to look before he crosses the street if he is distracted or in his own mind, letting him go out alone may need a bit of work. I want him to be able to use tech confidently as it's the way the world it going, I'm just not sure he has the knowledge to spot dangers or concerns. 

With my son, I encouraged him to always stay connected. When he was around that age I started reinforcing that if he ever wanted to try anything, do it at home in case it went wrong so I could take him to the hospital. I encouraged open discussions about everything. Nothing was taboo. I made it clear anything would be available and I also didn't want to go to jail or have him end up dead. We talked about sex - about young females who might allow themselves to get knocked up just to lock down a man. I was always available for any conversation. "You can try anything, and sometimes you may be given dangerous chemicals instead of the cool drug, so just make sure I'm around". Needless to say, he was never really interested. The first time he tried tobacco, was with me around 16 he's not bothered with it since. We tried CDB and THC for anxiety in a legal place, he didn't like that either. We watched Ab Fab and other older shows and I think he thinks all these things are for chavs or old people haha.

When he first had a phone I sent him a 'Friend Finder'. My father has mine, We just sort of exchange these things as if it's normal, because it is. I've worked hard to establish Trust and help him feel Respected and have always tried to find a middle ground between being mum, a wise elder magical sage and allowing him to feel like an independent strong amazing man. So cute. :)

There are locks you can put on phones and you can help them create profiles and such. I would be involved as much as possible. Make a night of it. One needs to be aware of the world and find their own opinions about it, discover their ideals and decide how they want to relate. I think if you encourage open thought and critical reasoning and also good principles, all these other things will be nebulous. Better help him learn to navigate. It's like drinking. They'll eventually imbibe, so better to teach them while young how to drink: don't mix, stay hydrated, eat something, craft their palette for single malt and they might not be able to drink for 'fun'. LOL

Interesting comment, we have discovered that. The difficulty with my autistic son is he doesn't always know all the details, so takes a while to organize. It is helpful if he meets friends as will message about the time he is returning or if he will be late. 

When I was a kid I was like 17 ish before I felt confident getting around my city on a bus. My friends lived in the city near by. They would do things like cancel plans made the day before then make new plans for the same day and not tell me, knowing I'd find it hard to get there on my own at the last minuet. His social life can't wait till you have time to be mums taxi service.

It would have been so much easier for me back then with a smart phone. A smart phone can call your mum if you get stuck in some place you don't recognise or have a panic attack in a crowded place. A smart phone can plan your journey for you and tell you which bus / train to catch. With a smart phone your friends have no excuse for forgetting to invite you. If they don't ask you to come you can be more or less sure they didn't want you there. If plans change last minuet with a smart phone you know and can relay the change of time / place to 'mums taxi' (TM).

teenageres don't orgonise their social lives like play dates. They won't give him a day or twos notice so you can clear time in your diary to give him a lift to / from his friends house or the local cafe / skate part etc. He needs to be able to get a message and in a few hours notice hop on a bus. He'll need a phone  to develop that confidence and social media to get those sorts of invitations.

I'd give him the phone, precisely because now is the time he needs to get comfortable with 'going out,' traveling with out you, seeing friends when you're not near. The phone / social media will help with that. He's a teenager he's going to get bullied. The only way to avoid that is wrap him in cotton wool and keep him locked in a tower. The question is not can you stop him being bullied but if it happens can you find out about and intervene quickly.

I suggest ground rules. Maybe he has to add you as a contact on any social media service so you can see anything publicly posted on his profile. Or maybe just an agreement that if anyone bullies him online he has to tell you. other wise you'll take the phone away.

You may want to be careful of the settings on the phone so he can't make lots of in app purchases with your card or rack up huge phone bills on a phone contract.