Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, my 9 Yr old daughter has been diagnosed with High Functioning autism after a 3 year battle to get help and assessment. She has daily violent outbursts, mainly if she cant get her own way, or if she's being chastised for something or if something doesn't go right. She also won't follow any rule or boundary despite us putting endless amounts strategies in place over the years. She torments 4 year old brother daily. My worry is how she will be when she hits her teens and also that my son is starting to copy some of her behaviours.
I am wondering if anyone else's child has outbursts mainly when they dont get their own way or when they are being told off?
She is also is verbally abusive to me and her father regularly when in 'the anger zone' prior to an outburst, she is always hyper and on the go. She attentions seeks from peers and family. She prefers 1 to 1 friendships..
I feel both my children's and my families and mine and my husbands lives are ruined due to constant battles and daily struggles.
Any advice or anyone in the same position I would love to hear from you,
Thanks for reading,
Suzi x
I think I may be a little confused. You fought for 3 years for an assessment. Did you get no literature or links or help understanding the difference between NeuroTypical and Autistic?
Autistic children don't ever attention-seek unless it's our own version of going for a tiny win in a world of losing while over-explaining a wonderful amount of knowlege. We feel violated daily. There's not one thing in us that desires any more of this.
How have you changed your home since finding out? There is a massive list of sensory assaulting elements in most homes which are unnecessary. What about her brother? Can you give an example of what she's responding to with him? If there's any chance she's behaving toward him in a way she experiences adults or older individuals treating her, it could be worth looking at.
How often is she interrupted? This can be one of the worst triggers. To us, it's unethical. One of the biggest differences between neurotypes is how we experience our internal world then dictates what we can handle in the external world. Autistics tend to have a rich inner life. Things might always be puzzling or magical or a fog of chaos. But everything is INTENSE. We can have a hyper-active symmetrically in use brain: we can spot incongruities and a lack of integrity fast. We can see calculated trajectories of something in motion. If we are helped into life in a way we learn, we can become immensely purposeful in society. But if we have to continually live in survival mode due to being overwhelmed and misunderstood, we won't grow. Parents will have set their children up to fail and become redundant.
If you're home life is already on a set schedule and she has several hours of uninterrupted study, or time alone and her room has halogen lights, unscented cleaning products, unscented detergent. If you've found mostly or 100% natural fibres for her bedding and clothes (wool/cotton - no polyesters, which are tar and petroleum by-products) and have a secret stash of Lego for her and her little brother to build occasionally... she's not consuming processed food and GMOs and you're encouraging loads of downtime for focus and reading then it's good to seek a therapist and find out if there's something else going on biologically.
Now 'outbursts' when things fail or not getting a thing correct will be part of her routine for life. There is nothing worse than a thing which does not run like clock work. We experience a lack of fluidness in life as it is. Mental exhaustion for constantly working out when to speak, what someone might really be saying, a puzzle of possible things that I might respond with, attempting to find the rules of engagement to take part in pleasantries and at least feel like I can contribute something to a social connexion. There is SO MUCH work going on: how can I say a thing and have it respected, How can I avoid being misunderstood - if this were all it was, we might not experience as intense of frustration. But this is the tip of the iceberg. I had theatre classes to help. I took a logic class which also helped. But many of us feel like Alice in Wonderland daily. The brain can only do so much and we live in an era where people think if one tries hard enough they'll actually become Queen. This is not realistic. Nor is our current state of society. What actually happens is the brain may have strong connexions in various regions and just not function the same in others. Some cannot tie their shoes. Others have difficulty with letters / symbols not just merging together. But everyone has strengths and for children, this is important to focus on.
Perhaps try changing how you speak with her? Take the No out of your statements. It's a good one my grandmother taught me when my son was born (so I've been working on it for 25 years now) "You cannot have chocolate before dinner" then becomes, "I bought 100% dark chocolate which you may have if you are maybe craving the iron in chocolate at any time. And it is fun to enjoy this decadent stuff loaded with sugar! You can have a few bits after we eat". It's important to be aware that she has more failures and rejections daily. So she needs affirmation and negotiations. "I want to help you, I've got 2 things to finish. Can you give me a half hour?" Things like this are good to practice. Affirm and negotiate - engage. Never sever the connexion and this is crucial.
With Autistic children it's simply important to remember, very few things are Matters of Consequence.
Thank you for your reply and the links. I should have mentioned she also has ADHD diagnosed 3 years ago however was only diagnosed with HF autism 2 weeks ago so we are at rhe beginning of our learning journey. She doesn't seem to be bothered by noise, smells or lights. We have a sensory box for when she's stressed and have lots little strategies in place to help her. It's It's violence meltdowns we struggle with more than anything.
If you have a specific example this community can help. One thing autistic children struggle with is when communication is nebulous and not clear. We can often rely on carers being as precise as an encyclopaedia, as we may not have a better command of language and syntax till mid 30's. So you may believe you she's upset because she's not getting her way, she can feel frustrated, misjudged and as if her own mother doesn't care to understand her (we sense that's not true, which is why you're here!) More times than not, helping with translation is something a community like this can help with.
Autistic children don't tend to get rewarded by words of 'praise' or words in general, but by feeling understood and connected. They also don't tend to enjoy domination tactics but feel a sense of winning with eureka-like moments. Our very fundamental motives can be vastly different.
As mentioned, if there's something specific, we might be able to give a better idea as to what' happening in translation.