Violent meltdowns

For me personally when people ignore me and leave i become more violent and angry it makes me feel stupid if i calm down by myself idk why but it always has been that way for me. I don't know how to help just wanted to add my personal experience.

You are very welcome. We autistic people are here to help on this forum.

My daughter is the same experience since A baby I've had this she becomes very aggressive and physical towards me  and screams shouts  sleeping texture off food as well. school she masks don't show any thing from her she undignosed battling it.

If you have a specific example this community can help. One thing autistic children struggle with is when communication is nebulous and not clear. We can often rely on carers being as precise as an encyclopaedia, as we may not have a better command of language and syntax till mid 30's. So you may believe you she's upset because she's not getting her way, she can feel frustrated, misjudged and as if her own mother doesn't care to understand her (we sense that's not true, which is why you're here!) More times than not, helping with translation is something a community like this can help with.

Autistic children don't tend to get rewarded by words of 'praise' or words in general, but by feeling understood and connected. They also don't tend to enjoy domination tactics but feel a sense of winning with eureka-like moments. Our very fundamental motives can be vastly different. 

As mentioned, if there's something specific, we might be able to give a better idea as to what' happening in translation. 

Thank you so much for your message  

Hello, I am sorry to hear that your daughter is so distressed and that you are struggling. Meltdowns are a stress response that is entirely involuntary as it is nervous system based. They are usually due to an unmet need. If she is having daily meltdowns, she is obviously under too much stress/too many demands. Meltdowns are not a part of being autistic, they are a natural response to excessive stress that is usually cumulative. This level of stress is not healthy for anyone regardless of neurotype. This equation might be useful:

Autism + Environment = Outcome 

Is her environment as low arousal as possible? Changing the environment to suit autistic neurology can make a huge difference.

Does she attend school? Is she demand avoidant?

A lot of autistic experience intense anxiety daily so even though the cause of the meltdown may seem like it is caused by the reasons you state below, there are probably other underlying factors that she may not be able to articulate.

Suzi said:

. She has daily violent outbursts, mainly if she cant get her own way, or if she's being chastised for something or if something doesn't go right

This article might be helpful:

https://autistic-village.com/2021/07/22/dino-brain-large-and-in-charge-overloads-overwhelms-and-meltdowns/

This book may help:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Avoiding-Anxiety-Autistic-Children-Wellbeing/dp/1529394767/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=17GE83664OX36&keywords=avoiding+anxiety+in+autistic+children&qid=1652636205&sprefix=avoi%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1

I hope this helps and that your autistic daughter feels less distressed soon.

Thank you for your reply and the links. I should have mentioned she also has ADHD diagnosed 3 years ago however was only diagnosed with HF autism 2 weeks ago so we are at rhe beginning of our learning journey.  She doesn't seem to be bothered by noise, smells or lights. We have a sensory box for when she's stressed and have lots little strategies in place to help her. It's It's violence meltdowns we struggle with more than anything.

Here are a few links to help.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8

https://ideas.ted.com/autistic-people-are-not-failed-versions-of-normal-theyre-different-not-less/ 

https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/11/28/why-social-skills-training-does-not-help-autistic-people/ 

https://autistic-village.com/2021/09/02/skills-for-learning-the-autistic-way/ 

And this is a fantastic group supporting autistic girls from AUS https://www.facebook.com/yellowladybugs

I think I may be a little confused. You fought for 3 years for an assessment. Did you get no literature or links or help understanding the difference between NeuroTypical and Autistic?

Autistic children don't ever attention-seek unless it's our own version of going for a tiny win in a world of losing while over-explaining a wonderful amount of knowlege. We feel violated daily. There's not one thing in us that desires any more of this.

How have you changed your home since finding out? There is a massive list of sensory assaulting elements in most homes which are unnecessary. What about her brother? Can you give an example of what she's responding to with him? If there's any chance she's behaving toward him in a way she experiences adults or older individuals treating her, it could be worth looking at. 

How often is she interrupted? This can be one of the worst triggers. To us, it's unethical. One of the biggest differences between neurotypes is how we experience our internal world then dictates what we can handle in the external world. Autistics tend to have a rich inner life. Things might always be puzzling or magical or a fog of chaos. But everything is INTENSE. We can have a hyper-active symmetrically in use brain: we can spot incongruities and a lack of integrity fast. We can see calculated trajectories of something in motion. If we are helped into life in a way we learn, we can become immensely purposeful in society. But if we have to continually live in survival mode due to being overwhelmed and misunderstood, we won't grow. Parents will have set their children up to fail and become redundant. 

If you're home life is already on a set schedule and she has several hours of uninterrupted study, or time alone and her room has halogen lights, unscented cleaning products, unscented detergent. If you've found mostly or 100% natural fibres for her bedding and clothes (wool/cotton - no polyesters, which are tar and petroleum by-products) and have a secret stash of Lego for her and her little brother to build occasionally... she's not consuming processed food and GMOs and you're encouraging loads of downtime for focus and reading then it's good to seek a therapist and find out if there's something else going on biologically.

Now 'outbursts' when things fail or not getting a thing correct will be part of her routine for life. There is nothing worse than a thing which does not run like clock work. We experience a lack of fluidness in life as it is. Mental exhaustion for constantly working out when to speak, what someone might really be saying, a puzzle of possible things that I might respond with, attempting to find the rules of engagement to take part in pleasantries and at least feel like I can contribute something to a social connexion. There is SO MUCH work going on: how can I say a thing and have it respected, How can I avoid being misunderstood - if this were all it was, we might not experience as intense of frustration. But this is the tip of the iceberg. I had theatre classes to help. I took a logic class which also helped. But many of us feel like Alice in Wonderland daily. The brain can only do so much and we live in an era where people think if one tries hard enough they'll actually become Queen. This is not realistic. Nor is our current state of society. What actually happens is the brain may have strong connexions in various regions and just not function the same in others. Some cannot tie their shoes. Others have difficulty with letters / symbols not just merging together. But everyone has strengths and for children, this is important to focus on.

Perhaps try changing how you speak with her? Take the No out of your statements. It's a good one my grandmother taught me when my son was born (so I've been working on it for 25 years now) "You cannot have chocolate before dinner" then becomes, "I bought 100% dark chocolate which you may have if you are maybe craving the iron in chocolate at any time. And it is fun to enjoy this decadent stuff loaded with sugar! You can have a few bits after we eat". It's important to be aware that she has more failures and rejections daily. So she needs affirmation and negotiations. "I want to help you, I've got 2 things to finish. Can you give me a half hour?" Things like this are good to practice. Affirm and negotiate - engage. Never sever the connexion and this is crucial.

With Autistic children it's simply important to remember, very few things are Matters of Consequence.  

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles too and hope you and your family find peace someday.  

So much of what you said is the same as me. Sending hugs back x

Thank you so much. I will take on board some of this advice

At least you have her diagnosis so you can work with that.  My daughter didn't get her diagnosis until 16, despite the fact I suggested it to a psychologist when she was 8 (and the psychologist happily told me I was wrong). Your description sounds like my daughter. Maybe if she is extremely demand avoidant, it is possible she could have a PDA profile? Or maybe she spends her life complying with school demands and home is where she feels she doesn't need them.

My daughter is now nearing 18 and doesn't accept her diagnosis. I hate the way she treats me, with a total lack of respect, constant  insults and some physical violence. I have grown a thick skin and have learned to walk away. I think many girls tend to hold things in so much that home is her safe space and that is actually positive. So, although it's horrible for you, it's the place she really feels she can let go and explode if necessary. Maybe it would help if school is also a comfortable place to be. School has always caused my daughter so much anxiety that we have to pick up the pieces at home.

Also, dealing with periods and hormonal changes will potentially make things hard during the teens, so make sure she's really aware of all the changes.

I really understand about the constant battles because I get them daily. My husband is who she seeks for advice and I am often insulted and feel like a skivvy. I suggest that you perfect the art of switching off and also try to get away from time to time, either go out with friends or spend time enjoying hobbies by yourself.  

Like you, I worried my younger son would copy her, but he is proving to be very loving and far calmer. He finds socialising easy, so he spends plenty of time with friends.

I think "high functioning" autism must be a myth because it suggests that the person doesn't suffer so much somehow, while this isn't true. 

I send love and hugs to you as I am in the same situation. I am hoping to find out more about my daughter's sensory profile, in the hope that it will help us to deal with her behaviour. 

She is going to be affected when situations change out of her control. Also if you are telling her to do something, or not to do something, she will not be able to cope and have a meltdown. It can seem like it’s her putting on her parts to get her own way, but it it’s often just overload for her.

If you don’t already, try and give her a blow by blow account of what’s expected of her, or for the day well in advance, so she has time to adjust and process it. See what things help her calm down, whether stims, or stim toys or a special interest etc. It sounds as if she’s got a lot of stresses right now, if she’s having meltdowns so often.

Don’t take to heart what she says when she’s in full meltdown. She can’t help it. Words will flow, and you just need to ignore them. 

Can you soothe her with touch at all?