Published on 12, July, 2020
My daughter was diagnosed with Autism just over a week ago after suffering with anxiety and depression for the last 3 years. She is 16 1/2 and in year 11. She has not attended school full time for the past year and hasn’t been at all for the past 6 weeks following an overdose. Although she says she accepts the Autism diagnosis she does not want to talk about it and I understand and appreciate that this will come in her own time.
I have no idea how to help her, she will not talk to us about anything other than TV, football etc. Trying to bring up anything like school, GCSEs, appointments, friends (now only via phone messaging) & how she is feeling (the more serious and practical stuff) results in a total shut down. Without input she stays in her bed watching TV. She is taking antidepressants which were changed following the overdose.
It’s very difficult to understand how to approach anything with her without making the situation worse and harder for her. Our life is 100% revolving around what she wants to do.
She has a therapist that she sees once a week and from what I can gather enjoys speaking to her.
Do we just leave her in her room on her own on the days that she wants to do that? Checking every now and again? Even though they are becoming more frequent?
It is heartbreaking to watch and feel so powerless. Any ideas on how to help and support greatfully received.
Thank you for your replies.
Thank you for your reply. No my daughter had no idea she might be Autistic, neither did we.
Your right it is an adjustment and patience is needed. It’s just hard feeling so helpless but maybe space is the help she needs.
Did she know she was Autistic before you had her assessed? I knew I was, but hearing it, and seeing on paper was hard to take, and I’m 5 weeks post diagnosis, and soon to be 49! Your daughter has a lot to process right now. My guess is that she will bring a subject up when she feels ready. It might well be a waiting game, but in the meantime, just don’t refer to it. Just go about your daily life, and talk to her about the things you know she enjoys.
My daughter (also Autistic) spent a considerable amount of time in her room, both pre and post assessment. She was in a bad way, but the first assessment she had, she was told she wasn’t Autistic, and this sent her even further over the edge, She avoided school, had panic attacks, psychosis and was depressed, suicidal and regularly self harming. There was nothing I could do for her., but understood that she would talk when she was ready to….. She did, and I decided to get her seen privately, and she got the diagnoses she needed to move forward with her life. she’s not there yet, and has a lot of things to overcome, but she’s doing so well.
I just wanted to say that this period won’t last forever.
As a parent, here is what I have done in the moments where my son would not allow my help or input. I have taken this need to 'Fix' him and applied it to the self. It gave me new insight into being human, it helped me grow, and I learned new applied techniques in how I approach the world around me and he literally learned by proxy - the crumbs fall from the table, the apple from the tree (any analogy will do). I did not have to say a word, just lead by example. By focusing on Self-Care, I became immediately aware of how important it was for others. I've suggested Erich Fromm in other posts, but the more I think about it, his 2 books - The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope are fundamental to both autistic and non-autistic humanness.
These are blogs that might make her feel like part of something greater or just help everyone understand all of this. Understanding and Clarity brings an inner contentment:
https://neuroclastic.com
https://aucademy.co.uk
https://www.artscatalyst.org
https://twitter.com/search?q=%23ActuallyAutistic&src=typeahead_click
We need to stop at some point “diagnosing” Autism. It’s not a disease it’s simply a different type of Being Human. The diagnostic is present because society cannot grasp that Thinking and Reasoning is not homogenised. She’s not broken. The world is broken and in denial about it. She needs to know this.
She doesn’t Feel any different because she may be too empathetic of have an overwhelming amount of emotions and she might be overly compassionate and simply capable of making connexions most others can’t but at the cost of not having the same brain type that is innately social.
I’ll add links in a reply. A diagnostic SHOULD BE no different than taking the MBTI- Meyers Briggs Personality test. But the problem is that a majority of society thinks Everyone can just unlock the exact same reasoning in their brain and “learn” social skills. This is as much a myth as one can become a Faerie with some enchanting ritual. Not everyone has the same memory type of processing power and no, it cannot be just “added”.
if we were all the same the world would not advance. And she needs to find herself, find her purpose, her skills and potential. The Artists Way is a good start. Anything with Art and understanding how the world and things within it Function will help (function rather than meaning is crucial).
Allow her room for melancholy and depths. These are explorations not matters of unhappiness. One needs to exhaust the oceans of the self to find what one is capable of.