Help with school

Yes this is exactly what I mean. Thanks Martin. I completely understand that normal traits in one person are not necessarily normal to another, and we all have our own version of normal. Therefore everybody else is abnormal to us in some way. Thank you

Thank you. Yes, the travel is definitely a consideration. 5 minute away comprehensive v.s. 1.5 hour round trip to a specialist. And we have 3 other children to consider. But of course we will consider what the local school can offer. Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it.

Can I also add (StevieBee) that I’m just trying to be helpful - I hope you don’t take my comments as a criticism of you. I don’t doubt your love and commitment to your daughter for one minute. I hope her anxiety around school improves soon and that you are getting lots of support and help from the school. I know how stressful it is to support a child who is struggling with school - it’s so upsetting to see them experiencing such distress. So best of luck to you both. x 

Possibly, hopefully. However I hope this word isn’t being used frequently around this child as I don’t think - at such a young age - they will be aware one way or another about the particular intention you are assuming Stevie has in using it. In this series of short posts StevieBee has used the word ‘normal’ 7 times. It stood out to me that she had done that. It’s not a word that I think is helpful when it comes to raising children - especially if they have a disability. 

I think that, in this case, 'a normal childhood' can be taken to mean 'a childhood as free of trauma and long-term adverse consequences as possible', rather than being a claim  that autistic traits are 'abnormal'.

We live in a small Oxfordshire town boarding Bucks and our daughter goes to school in Bucks. The transition between Primary School and Secondary School should not be underestimated and I hope that since you have your diagnosis you can arrange regular visits to whatever school you decide is best. Some mainstream schools do have excellent facilities for children with SEN. We found that eventually the bus ride was another source of anxiety so ended up driving our daughter the hour round trip until she stopped attending. In our experience I would say that local may well have been best as travel adds to the day and the tiredness. Plus makes it more difficult to just hang out with friends after school. 

Can I just say - with respect - that you seem very fond of the word ‘normal’. I don’t think this is a good word to keep returning to - because it implies that if your daughter cannot behave in the same way as other schoolchildren that she is not ‘normal’. Abnormal. It’s not an accepting approach. It’s helpful to be fully and wholeheartedly accepting of the fact that our children ARE different because they are autistic. What might be the easiest thing in the world to a non-autistic child can be virtually impossible to an autistic child. It might be the simplest, most mundane thing, and still be so difficult for an autistic person, even though they might be highly intelligent. That would not be categorised as ‘normal’ would it? And yet it can often be the case. 
It’s so important that you don’t present your child with this category of what is ‘normal’ to aim for. If you do this - and she fails to reach it - it will have a terrible impact on her self esteem. That in turn could have long term consequences for her mental health. What is ‘normal’ for her might well be behaving in a very different way from anyone else in her school, or her family. You must allow her to truly be herself - even if it differs significantly from what you might have expected from her. 

Thanks Kate for your thoughts and considerations. I will take your suggestions on board and I definitely put her health and welfare first. Thanks again

Thank you for taking the time to reply. We will indeed take on board some of these suggestions. Just want her to lead a normal school life as possible.

I agree Homebird. Working with the school to find reasonable adjustments that reduce stress levels really helps. Also reducing stress levels overall at home reduces anxiety overall which will help. 
There are no easy answers but the most destructive thing is undoubtedly putting pressure on autistic children - it only makes things worse and ramps up anxiety levels. The important thing is to listen - make sure she knows you are truly hearing her and recognising her distress, and that you will work with her to find something that she can cope with. Also - do your absolute best to keep you relationship with the school as positive as you can - as you have to keep them on side. If that relationship breaks down it’s so difficult. So even if the school are not being as helpful as you would like be as positive as you can - but be FIRM and be informed. You might sometimes have to ‘fight’ to get support and adjustments made for your daughter - but do it in a way that you keep the school on side. It’s a difficult balance. 

Can I just respectfully add that the term ‘normal’ is not necessarily the most helpful word in this situation. What is ‘normal’ for one child isn’t normal for another - especially if they are autistic. Your daughter may have been doing some (what you consider as) ‘normal’ behaviours - such as socialising - but as an autistic child this might have been very stressful for her. Have you heard the term ‘masking’? It’s when autistic people try to behave like the other people around them to fit in. Autistic girls are particularly likely to do this more. It can take a toll on their mental health to be regularly adapting their behaviour to fit in with others, and to seem like they are just the same as their peers. In other words: to appear ‘normal’. 
As an autistic person your daughter is not ‘typical’ - she has differences from non-autistic people. Acceptance of this is crucial to you being able to support and empower your daughter. 

I’m sorry your daughter is struggling with school. School can be a hugely stressful environment for autistic people. When my youngest son started school he started to be hugely distressed within a couple of days. When I took him in they literally had to pull him from me crying - it was horrendous. He developed Selective Mutism which he had for his whole school life. He also had a period of school refusal when he was 15. 

Of course your daughters experience is very different to this. However I would say that your daughters distress is obviously significant and I would make her mental health the priority over the educational needs at the moment. Not supporting her mental health needs now could have serious consequences for her future mental health. Whilst education is important she cannot thrive educationally unless her mental health is good. The answers Lucan be found by talking to your daughter and establishing what she needs to make school bearable to her. What is it about school that is causing her distress? Can she articulate that to you? If she can - take each issue one by one and see what mitigation’s/adjustments can be made to help with these issues. As she has a diagnosis she now has rights as a disabled person - because autism is a disability. Therefor the school is under an obligation to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for her. 
Most of all: listen to your daughter. She is exhibiting clear signs of distress and she must feel so powerless to keep being taken into an environment that is so distressing for her. You need to do all you can to assure her that you hear her, that you understand and that you intend to do all you can to help her in any way you can. You need to make it clear to her that her well being means more than anything - more than education even, With that knowledge she will hopefully feel more secure and the pressure on her will ease. That should begin to reduce her anxiety levels around school. 
I’m sorry - this must be so hard for your whole family. So many people in this community are familiar with the distress caused to autistic people by attending school. I hope things improve for your daughter soon. Do everything you can to take the pressure off her if you can. 

Thank you. We live in a small town in Buckinghamshire, so the choices aren't vast. Having said that, her brother goes to the comprehensive in town, and there is also another mixed school within a short bus ride. Other than that, specialist schools are a long way away. I want her to have a normal childhood. She has normal friendships and is a normal little girl in most other ways...its just the pressures of school that seem to be the biggest problem. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I will take this on board. Steve

My son struggled more as school became more difficult academically. I guess she is probably finding things difficult as she is getting near to a major change. Most secondary schools offer extra visits for children with Special Needs. Regarding the most appropriate High School I would ask a lot of questions about Special Needs provision, experience of autism and how they currently support pupils.

Our son still struggles to attend school every day, so we encourage starting school later if he can't make the beginning of the day. We keep in touch with a key member of the support staff. He finds having a shower in the morning helps him regulate before school.

Regarding regulating at home, listening to music with headphones helps and cuts out external noises. We also have a regular bedtime routine watching children's TV on I player and a snack before the transition to bed. We usually prepare his toothbrush too to reduce the demands at this time. 

Hi,

We have only recently had our diagnosis for our daughter and she is now 16 and in her GCSE year. Looking back things started to become difficult in her last year of primary and peeked in year 8 and since then have never really recovered.

That is not meant to scare you! You are in a much better position having an earlier diagnosis. 

The main thing I would have done differently is not chose an all girls school. I’m not sure what type of high schools you are looking at but we went down the all girls route as it seemed a calmer environment for our sensitive daughter but a mixed school would have given her the opportunity to have friends that were boys and in her eyes a lot less complicated!! 

Also, It’s only in recent days that we have also learnt that time in her room relaxing on her own watching TV programmes over and over again is actually good for her and helps her to relax before the next challenge. Prior to this we have been desperately trying to get her to socialise with friends and conform to what we think is ‘normal’. It’s definitely a learning curve.