How to tell a 9 year old girl

Some brilliant advice there. I can only relate it to when we told our daughter she might have epilepsy that caused her to have absence seizures. She was about 8 at the time. She was so relieved as in her words “I thought there was something really wrong with me but now I know it’s fine.”  It might feel like you are giving bad news, but to her it might be a huge relief to finally know why she is the way she is. 

https://youtu.be/VAogdfYPstU

This video might be useful, it is from the perspective of many different autistic children. Obviously you can tailor the discussion to what being autistic means for her.

You could compare noticeable differences between you and her. It is really important to use a strengths based approach so she develops a positive autistic identity.

Example of autism description:

Everybody is different, some of these differences like eye or hair colour we can see. Some differences are hidden, being autistic is a difference that people cannot see and means your brain works differently to others. This is cool and makes you YOU. Being autistic also means you can make lots of new friends who think like you do. Autism may mean that some things make you really happy and you may move your body more to show other people. Autism means your senses may be stronger or weaker than other people, this may be scary sometimes but it is ok. Autism may mean that what other say is confusing, this is because people don’t say what they mean.

 I hope this is helpful 

I love it on this site when people really try to post answers that may offer practical help.  The specifics of this topic aren't even directly relevant to me ... but what a thought-provoking, sensitive reply. I can only imagine the depth of personal experience from which this answer springs.  Hope it's of some help to NAS76983.  

There are quite a few discussions and threads on how to talk with children several pages into the Parents and Carers community discussion board. 

helping a child understand how they perceive and experience the world won’t dictate specifics but simply allow them to feel ok and not out of sorts- it can ease anxiety and help them embrace who they are. 

Think of it this way: the majority of society reinforces how NeuroTypical brains should function, perceive, respond, experience… From how they should think about maths and how they should add context to language to punctuality and adherence to social codes. Anything ATypical is then marginalised. Thus, the imperative to help your autistic child recognise her qualities and strengths. 

Due to most of us who are now autistic adults always feeling different never knowing why, I don’t know any who enjoyed being “unique” or special. It was horrifying. I take great comfort in knowing there are a few who perceive just like I do even though each experience is unique, no one ever wants to be that isolated (I don’t think). Just because someone can see the patterns in math like other gifted mathematicians or use their senses to denote complexities of wine or coffee curates comraderie. 

Her fundamental strengths are key. Is she too pragmatic? Buy her interesting encyclopaedias. Is she showing signs of being hyper-sensory? Help her spend time feeling different fabrics, or different elements, have days where she can do tastings and pairings (apples are a fun one- buy one of 10 different types). Spend time learning about internal emotions, take yoga, explore sensory things- one thing per session. If you find the root discipline of the things she has inclinations towards, and allow her to engage and exhaust them, then you will help her specialise. We can be hyper-focused, intensely impacted, and thus driven. We tend to be loyal and sincere because of these things. These do not dictate how we experience but help us understand the intensities and drives are quite normal!