Should I tell my 8 year old son what's going on and that he might be autistic?

Hi. I might be coming late to this but in case others in the same situation are reading….

At 8 we didn’t tell our son what the assessments were for, simply that some doctors deal with brains and how people think, and they were interested in meeting him to see how his brain worked. There was no diagnosis then but had there been we would have shared it with him.

Over the last three years we’ve slowly shared with him the idea that he might be on the spectrum and it was easy to explain as one of his best friends is too. So when it was time for another assessment age 11 he knew fully about it. That said, I would NOT have wanted him there when we did the developmental history zoom call as I had to share all his differences and struggles and even I found it quite harrowing. He was very pleased with the outcome and I would absolutely share a diagnosis of anything with a child as the more you know the less scary something is  

So you fear that your son will get bullied by other kids and they will call your son the 'a'-word (autism). But if you've heard anyone's childhood who didn't have the knowledge that they had autism, they got bullied anyways, because regardless of the label, we interact and socialize with others differently, and others do take notice. They notice the lack of eye contact, they notice the lack of understanding in regards to body language, and they notice the lack of social engagement, and any number of other things that will appear off to them. They notice. They will find it strange, and although we think we are being normal, we do not appear normal to them, and some might tease us and bully us because they find something 'wrong' with us, and regardless of whether they know the label or not, bullying can occur.

I mean I understand the need to protect your child from potential bullying, but what would be a greater asset is to help your child understand his condition, so that he can develop the skills he needs, and also he can get support in areas that he might need help at, so that he is doing better in life overall.

The knowledge of autism is not for the benefit of bullies, it's for the benefit of us on the autistic spectrum, so that we can accept the way our minds operate, so that we can do things in ways that will be most beneficial for us, even if that's going to be a different way from how others will do things. 

I have been in conversation with a mum about her 7 year old: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/23699/should-i-get-my-7-year-old-daughter-an-asd-assessment/204744#204744

I feel it's absolutely imperative. 

Many of us float through our 20's trying to work out what's wrong. We miss a career path. We miss out on a lot and by 30 finally make it to a psychologists office and then have 20+ years of stuff to un-do. This is needless. The earlier we can get our young being Mind-full about their strengths and give them tools to navigate their weaknesses the more fluid they can be with in society rather than battling on the fringe for their sanity, livelihood or life. Kids should not be subjected to asking what's wrong with me until they contemplate suicide and I've heard too many of these stories.

The autistic brain is amazing. And the more we are present in society, the better we can make it. 

Many thanks - I think it's just because he is very young and I don't know at what age you can start to understand. I very much appreciate your advice - I wouldn't withhold it I just didn't want the pediatrician to spring it onto him and for him to be confused.

Apologies it was insensitive to say the 'a' word. My son has millions of strengths - I def dont see it as a negative at all  - I meant really from a child's perspective - and that other kids can be unkind when they dont understand something and can label people. I really appreciate your perspective and will pursue the diagnosis.

^^^ concur with G & H above (BTW: Can't believe how many syllables these two names have between them!).

I cried after my assessment at 50 years old... mainly after reflecting what high-school and life ever since could have been like if I was armed with the knowledge of my autism.

Children are generally more flexible/adaptable than their adult selves.

I'm not sure why you'd like this to remain hidden from your son, or why you'd use the term 'a' word to refer to autism as if it's a negative thing that should be hidden, because it's definitely not a negative thing. Those who found out that they are on the autistic spectrum in adulthood are not usually upset by the diagnosis itself, but they are upset about not knowing about it sooner, because that knowledge could have benefitted them, because then they could have focused on their own strengths and tailored their time towards it, and they could have supports in place for their weaknesses, which makes their life less of a struggle and more managable. But if they don't know, they will struggle a lot, which turns into a problem. 

Why exactly are you withholding it from him? Do you not want to upset him or do you think it may skew his responses to the assessors if he knew? It may be an option to have him there at the start but then have him play in another room while you talk to them and call him back in when they want to ask him questions. If he is diagnosed I would consider very carefully about the consequences if you still decide to withhold the information from him. Having a diagnosis even at a young age can help him to make sense of himself and understand his differences. If you search the forum there are a few threads about angry young adults and teens who have only just discovered they were diagnosed in childhood and had not been told