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Help re: stim (older child)

Ineedsomebodyhelp

Hi! I am new here so please bear with me. 

I have a very beautiful and intellectual 11 year old daughter who has always shown traits of autism and has recently been diagnosed. Unfortunately, she is pretty much a recluse and doesn't like to leave the house at all. This has become an issue in regards to school where she is only attending 2 days per week. She has lost all of her friends - which she is not bothered about - but this really affects me because I just feel at her age she needs her own friends. 

The reason for this post is.. I feel very alone in all of this, and none of my own friends seem to understand. Are there any sort of people I can speak to on here that shares the same thing, with a child of the similar age. Long story short: she lives in her own fantasy world in her head, of her own making. She believes her only friend is a character and when she goes into her fantasy world, she stims through clapping, jumping, clicking, pacing for hours and hours per day. If there is anyone else out there that is living through this aswell?

I've tried groups for children with autism but she is terrified of the social expectation. CAMHS are no use at all. Private therapy was useless because she is mute/non-verbal.. only with me can she speak but at rare times she is not able to. It's quite draining! I love her to bits and just want to find some support for her.

Any ideas or help.. please do get in contact or reply. I'll be so grateful. Feel quite lost and alone in all of this

Thanks x

  • in reply to Ineedsomebodyhelp

    Hi, i Havnt a clue how to PM. What you wrote sounds just like my daughter. Im dreading the new school term in September. I don’t even know when she will go back. I already home schooled throughout covid then had to do it again because of school refusal she will have been at home 15 weeks including the school holidays. Im no teacher so im scared incase she’s falling massively behind, im hoping once we have our app with cyps that I know more of what is happening, im thinking therapy and possibly medication, she hates sleep, really anxious. She doesn’t like going places but she never has to be honest we were always first to leave a party. And she has lots of phobias main one is being sick or any one else being sick it terrifies her. Even if it’s on tele and someone mentions the word she’s in panic mode asks me to turn it off. She’s very fussy with clothes and food. And throughout the day she strims alot, she has a big gym ball she rolls about on that and also a wobble cushion they’re really good aswell. She’s always on all fours and like rocks, I feel so sad for her because she literally just wants to sit with me, she has a beautiful little bedroom and I can’t even remember the last time she actually even sat in there. But then I think it’s what makes her happy otherwise she wouldn’t want to do it, you just don’t know what to do for the best do you xx 

  • in reply to Chelsie

    Thanks Chelsie. This is what happened at the start of the first lockdown aswell. She won't answer to any friends and has deleted them all. I am also considering homeschooling. If you want to chat at some point, please PM me. I'm also a single mum and understand exactly what it's like xx

  • in reply to Chelsie

    Hi ,

    I am sorry to hear that your daughter has been showing these behaviours. It's good that you're on the road to getting a potential autism diagnosis.

    You might like to have a look at the following information and advice around anxiety and depression in children with autism, which may help to explain some of your daughter's behaviours:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/anxiety/parents

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/depression/parents

    All the best,

    ChloeMod

  • Hi, my daughter is 10 next month and I feel exactly the same. Around may time she started refusing school and I had to home school until they broke up for summer holidays. She hasn’t been diagnosed yet but her assessments start in September. My daughter had mainly 1 best friend and a few associates but since the school refusal she’s became more isolated, blocked the girls from school numbers, including her best friend and just spends every minute of the day sitting with me, I’m a single parent so things are tough at the minute. It breaks my heart seeing how isolated she’s became, she actually tells me ‘I hate them’ she spends her days sitting with me and on TikTok or YouTube just watching videos. Doesn’t want to go anywhere or be around anyone I have to force her to get ready, some days it doesn’t work and she spends the day in her pyjamas upset and very anxious.

  • in reply to Gerty

    Thanks Gerty, I just bought this book now. I am slowly realising that she might not need friends in order to develop and grow. As long as she's happy, then that's all that matters. Thanks so much, you sound like a fabulous mum xx

  • I agree with Juniper she sounds happy. If you have not read it, you may like a book called 'The reason I jump' by an autistic child. It helped me understand my son, although no two autistic people are the same. When he starts leaping, skipping etc I know its his way of relaxing. To help him relax we go out for walks in the countryside, as the child in this book found nature a comfort.

    I stopped worrying about him having friends of his own age at about the same age as your daughter. He lost all the friends from primary school, but seemed happier anyway. He went to karate and scouts, but that only worked when there was a leader who adapted to his needs, if she is not happy socialising at all, it is probably not worth it.

  • I'm not from the UK, so I do not know what kind of support is available to you, but I just wanted to say, that I really understand your feelings of being alone in it (I actually just wrote a post on it- in this Parents and carers section, I titled it "Do you ever feel exhausted with worry?" if you want to read it).

    My daughter is 15 and she too, does not want to leave the house and does not want to keep in touch with friends and so does not really have any at this point. All she really wants to do, is sit at her pc and play with her online friends and it is near impossible for me to get her to do anything else.
    I try to remind myself that she is doing what makes her happy. It sounds as if your daughter is also doing what makes her happy.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thanks for your reply, Juniper. The pottery might be a good shout. I really do appreciate your reply xx

  • The imagination is a powerful tool. It's also useful to build empires on (for ex. Steve Jobs). 

    She sounds quite happy. I'm not similar though I am a mother and 'stimming' is the same method I use to discipline my craft. At that age I wanted to build things, make things, listen to things over and over and I was in my head as well. Are there things she's interested in which she could, over the course of 10 years, let's say, begin to transfer her imagination toward? Right now it's make believe. But anything we can imagine, we can eventaully create. From flip phones to rockets. It may take some exploring and trying out things. Perhaps dance routines or judo (youtube) for fitness and kinetic motor skill building to start. Maybe learning to play an instrument or pottery. She might not know what interestes she can turn into skills until she encounters them.

    Just some thoughts!