How to respond to child meltdowns

Hi everyone, I would just like to thank each and every one of you for your comments and suggestions. This was the first time I have sought support (was feeling pretty low at the time) and your comments have really really meant a lot to me. I will definitely try your great suggestions. I don’t feel so alone and lost anymore and feel positive that I can in time equip myself with more knowledge of autism and strategies to support my daughter and her individual needs. Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond. :-)

Sorry I see that you said she's homeschooling. Twinkl is a good website that has resources. 

Hi,

I am in the same position as you but my daughter is 4. Some days we have meltdown after meltdown it doesn't seem like there's a break in between, its so hard sometimes.

I too feel like its hard to distinguish between what seems like a sensory meltdown and what could be described as a tantrum. My daughter has more of the 'tantrum' types of dysregulation then sensory overload. I know this because its usually because she is told not to do something or we haven't got that etc...

We used to time out but agreed that it was more of a punishment than a solution. Now we remove her from the environment that she has become distressed in and take her somewhere else. As someone else said redirection is a good strategy as it gives something to focus on. 

We are also using visual timetable and a now and next board to help her with her transitions. You could try this..ask her school to help give you some resources.

Hello NAS73767,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's frequent meltdowns - these must be really difficult to manage. You may like to have a look at the following information from the NAS around meltdowns and some strategies to help:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns

All the best,

Chloe Mod

Do you feel like a failure? Or a bit trapped and uncertain or useless?

As a parent, think it’s important to be able to identity what I’m experiencing, so I can mind these feelings aren’t part of my response. For instance, Offence is a reaction by a competitor or an opposition, not by someone who has our back.

from what I’ve experienced, failure is the path to success, so long as we keep trying. With my son I’ve always considered my job to protect and support, just be available, better than I might a plant or an animal. Are there things she cannot handle? Is she getting enough of the nutrients she needs.

there will be enough time for her to experience a cruel world. I might suggest to  be someone she can always confide in and trust to have her best interest in mind. 

I experienced something similar with my son when he was that age. Some meltdowns were from foods he suffered from after eating (unidentified allergies), sometimes distress from a difficult environment, always an inability to cope. I found that redirection was always helpful. And still to this day I help him work out what he’s feeling, what he’s trying to express or what system of “cruelty” in society or work he’s running into (he’s 24 now) 

I think there’s a line between loving and supporting and helping our young humans to grow verses ruining them (spoiling) and their ability to become healthy and somewhat functioning (is anyone really;) adults. For me that line involves always being responsible, never being offended and always seeking to understand. Children who experience protection and support, who are treated with respect and allowed to feel heard, who are allowed to process naturally feel a sense of grounding. And this grounding can begin to soothe a meltdown before it begins. 

It sounds as though you believe the best in her. That’s successful parenting even if you’re still figuring it out. Making it up as we go along:)

I wouldn’t use a traffic light system, I wouldn’t use time out either and I wouldn’t be stern. As you have said you don’t want to punish her for her body being overwhelmed with emotions that she can’t regulate. I would let your child have her melt down and sit somewhere close by so she knows you are there and to also make sure she is safe and not hurting herself. I would avoid eye contact and talking during a meltdown. If she wants to cuddle you then let her she’s looking to you as her safety. If you have space you could buy her a pop up dark tent with some sensory lights i use silicone bike lights to attach to the straps Inside (ebay) and I have my sons favourite blanket and some sensory toys inside. If you don’t have space you could get a black out blind and get a light projector that’s soothing in her room. We have one from Amazon it was only £13. I would buy some fidget toys squishy, stretchy, light up ones, a Thera pressure brush works wonders for my son once his melt down is over as he is exhausted it’s very relaxing. You can buy sensory toy  bundles from Amazon or eBay. Ebay is cheaper.

I would try and access what’s just happened right before her melt down? Also try a now and next board 1st breakfast then Playtime, 1st bath then pyjamas. Prepare her for all the small changes throughout the day. Give yourself a break your a mum trying her best. That’s all you can do. You sound like a great mum. You’ll get lots of great advice on here. Even reading other people’s posts and answers have helped me a lot. 

I haven't got an autistic child, I'm autistic myself, but my instinct is that your "time out" doesn't need to be framed that way. Why not just call it something less like a punishment, like chill out time or something like that? 

Also, I'm a parent to a 7yr old and an almost 4yr old and they rarely have tantrums, especially my older daughter, so I'd say no sort or tantrum is age appropriate (maybe I'm harsh but I don't pander to my children, especially as any sort of yelling or screaming from a child is really intolerable for me). The younger one still cries like a baby sometimes if she is ill or really tired, but that's just part of being human I guess, I feel like that too in those situations. 

You do need to have boundaries for any child, and they need to know what consequences to expect if they behave in certain ways. I personally say to my children things like "I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that, it is rude" or whatever and I find that is more helpful. I mean, would your child appreciate YOU screaming at her if she doesn't do what you want her to do? I'm not suggesting you actually do that, but saying it that way may make her think twice about having a tantrum if she can be reasoned with. I appreciate not everyone with autism is able to have these sorts of exchanges with people, but it sounds to me from what you have said that she can be. 

And don't hug her if your instinct is that the behaviour is wrong. Nobody is going to hug someone in the real world for behaving like that, like school staff or future employers. Better to be realistic in my opinion.