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How to respond to child meltdowns

NAS73767

Hello everyone, I have a nearly 6 year old daughter who is on a waiting list for an ASD assessment. She is home schooled, so there’s no educational setting for support.

My question is how do we manage a melt down? These are happening very frequently. I’m finding it hard to distinguish between a 6 year old pushing boundaries and a 6 year old expressing emotions out of her control due to an experienced difficulty. Sometimes it’s obvious that a trigger has caused her distress but sometimes it’s not so easy to tell the trigger. 

Some days are none stop, one after the other.  

I have brought in a behaviour traffic light system chart and sometimes have to use timeout in her room when it really escalates but to be honest I don’t feel this is fair on her, as she may be having an outburst due to a difficulty which is not her fault and the approaches don’t really work either.

Am I supposed to just be patient and hug her if that’s what she wants. Talking to her and trying to reason or explain obviously doesn’t help. I just feel helpless and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel a complete failure and it’s so upsetting seeing her distress and not being able to help. Sometimes though it does appear to be over something like not getting her own way and then am I ok to be sterner? I just don’t know how to respond. 

I’m in the process of reading up on autism and trying to educate myself, so I can support her needs better. 

Thank you for reading. 

Parents

  • I haven't got an autistic child, I'm autistic myself, but my instinct is that your "time out" doesn't need to be framed that way. Why not just call it something less like a punishment, like chill out time or something like that? 

    Also, I'm a parent to a 7yr old and an almost 4yr old and they rarely have tantrums, especially my older daughter, so I'd say no sort or tantrum is age appropriate (maybe I'm harsh but I don't pander to my children, especially as any sort of yelling or screaming from a child is really intolerable for me). The younger one still cries like a baby sometimes if she is ill or really tired, but that's just part of being human I guess, I feel like that too in those situations. 

    You do need to have boundaries for any child, and they need to know what consequences to expect if they behave in certain ways. I personally say to my children things like "I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that, it is rude" or whatever and I find that is more helpful. I mean, would your child appreciate YOU screaming at her if she doesn't do what you want her to do? I'm not suggesting you actually do that, but saying it that way may make her think twice about having a tantrum if she can be reasoned with. I appreciate not everyone with autism is able to have these sorts of exchanges with people, but it sounds to me from what you have said that she can be. 

    And don't hug her if your instinct is that the behaviour is wrong. Nobody is going to hug someone in the real world for behaving like that, like school staff or future employers. Better to be realistic in my opinion. 

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  • I haven't got an autistic child, I'm autistic myself, but my instinct is that your "time out" doesn't need to be framed that way. Why not just call it something less like a punishment, like chill out time or something like that? 

    Also, I'm a parent to a 7yr old and an almost 4yr old and they rarely have tantrums, especially my older daughter, so I'd say no sort or tantrum is age appropriate (maybe I'm harsh but I don't pander to my children, especially as any sort of yelling or screaming from a child is really intolerable for me). The younger one still cries like a baby sometimes if she is ill or really tired, but that's just part of being human I guess, I feel like that too in those situations. 

    You do need to have boundaries for any child, and they need to know what consequences to expect if they behave in certain ways. I personally say to my children things like "I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that, it is rude" or whatever and I find that is more helpful. I mean, would your child appreciate YOU screaming at her if she doesn't do what you want her to do? I'm not suggesting you actually do that, but saying it that way may make her think twice about having a tantrum if she can be reasoned with. I appreciate not everyone with autism is able to have these sorts of exchanges with people, but it sounds to me from what you have said that she can be. 

    And don't hug her if your instinct is that the behaviour is wrong. Nobody is going to hug someone in the real world for behaving like that, like school staff or future employers. Better to be realistic in my opinion. 

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