12 year old son depressed and negative

This sounds like our 12 year old daughter, struggled at primary school and we were told she’s highly sensitive, she started secondary school in august last year and started well, but since Christmas has very rarely been there all her senses are finding it difficult to process, been rejected for a cahms assessment twice, finds it hard to settle for bed, very low mood, only eats a few things and has even went off her safe foods, we can see how little the school understands or can offer support to someone who is undiagnosed, it can be a long lonely journey, just keep kicking down the doors to get your son the help he deserves.

This is identical to what is going on with our son. He's high functioning adhd ASD and told us some dark depressed thoughts he felt. In the first year of secondary school too. Tried to take him to A&E after his mum called camms crisis yesterday but he begged me not to take him crying.

Too much right now to read the rest of the feed but I will do and try to help. 

With-a-Y said:

He has so much brain power that is being wasted and his world and opportunities seems to be getting smaller and smaller as he is getting older. 

My local AS support group has a belief that if a child has mastered the primary school basics, then it's better to focus on social skills and life skills rather than academics during teenage years. It's always possible to study academic subjects later in life but very little help with social skills and life skills is available after the age of 16. Never treat a child as a machine to acquire GCSEs. Also reject the idea that taking part is more important than winning.

Hi again

When I told my son that he had an Aspergers diagnosis, I showed him this video of Chris Packham, the guy who hosts nature shows. Here's the link:

https://vimeo.com/252876361

It might be worth watching it together for your son to understand that it's not the end of the world, if you haven't watched it already.

My son was about 10 I think when I broke the news to him. He had been diagnosed for a year that time. Also I find mindfulness and alternative therapies such as reiki help him calm down for at least a small amount of time. But DS is still in primary, so I can understand how much more difficult it must be for your son in secondary.

I am a bit desperate looking at all and every option suggested to me. I have tried to encourage him to do Outschool online tutoring on topics that he appears really interested in, it seems he rejectanything I suggest. He just wants to game online and watch YouTube , these appear to be the only activities he can focus on. I am so worried I will not be able to alter this routine he has found comrt in so he can achieve and enjoy varied opportunities. 

Thank you again. I will keep on delivering these positives to him. Sadly right now he appears he is very stuck, asking me to erase his brain so he does not know he is autistic or to give him an injection to be rid of it.  He is rejecting all the positive messages, strategies and tools (e.g. social stories)  I am introducing. He has become so fixed on his safe place/routine which has become limited to gaming online and watching YouTube seeing these as his only ways to be happy or relax. When I try to introduce something else he is very upset or angry towards me and himself.  He has so much brain power that is being wasted and his world and opportunities seems to be getting smaller and smaller as he is getting older. 

Nikki said:

  Usually kids on the spectrum will have speech and language issues, so it's worth getting an assessment. 

Not in the case of Asperger syndrome. I didn't have any speech and language issues so autism was ruled out when I was at primary school.

Nikki said:

If your son is high functioning then it does get difficult to get an EHCP since there is no evidence of distress.

Very true. It's quite hard to get an EHCP for children unless they are behind what is expected of them in English and maths for their year group, or they have traditional disabilities.

Schools nowadays are interested in academic prowess so most of the support services goes on children who need extra help with reading, spelling, and maths.

Nikki said:

Above all if things don't work out at the current school then it's best to look for a provision that would support his needs and fight for it to be named in the EHCP.  It's a tedious process and sometimes you may find that there are no suitable schools where you live.  So may have to move.

It might be better to look outside of the school system for education rather than fighting over EHCP. Things like Open University or industry type courses.

My mother gave up battling with the school system. She said it was the best decision at the time although I lost the opportunity to take GCSEs because they had coursework at the time.

With-a-Y,

I'm Autistic myself and have studied Autism and listened to people all over the spectrum with their various challenges for just over 20 years, you can share my account here with your son of what I've discovered during my research.

As I can see you're doing, make sure he knows Autism is not the tragedy people describe it as and that when I were his age I were struggling emotionally as well, just wanting to express myself.

Point out to him he doesn't have to look at his Autism as a disability, but it's an actual and rare ability because of his alternative perspective of the world and his different way of thinking. Thanks to the vaiation of how Autistic people think it's hypophisised by professionals that 90% of technology was invented by Autistic people.

Some of the most inspirational people throughout history are strongly believed to of being on the Autism Spectrum, with Albert Einstein being one of the most popular examples widely believed to of being Autistic because of his intense focus and radical thinking not being held back by social convention.

One of your son's gifts is he can concentrate and focus at a greater level than his peers, because of the differences in his brain he is more detailed, analytical, logical than others because Autistic people use the left side of the brain more than others, and that's where all the analytical, logical thinking, detail and patterns is done.

Let your son know that I as an Autistic person myself came to know being Autistic is not something to feel ashamed of, it's not something we need to hide but we need to use it. Point out to him there's things he can do that others can't and struggle with and ask him does that mean they're disabled as well. 

Thank you so much Daniel. You are so right and I needed to be reminded that sitting listening is enough. I keep telling school about the extent of masking , I am not sure they really get it yet as he is so skilled at it.  he is allowed time off by me. Sadly at this time my son is rejecting of this part of himself and I think he is trying to overcome it when he is at school or out socially but he can only manage a few hours then he crashes emotionally. I am trying to support him to accept and see the positive about himself I feel he needs a professional to help with this or a mentor who is autistic perhaps. I will keep going and very much appreciate your time to reply. 

Thank you . It does help. We are on the journey and the steps you recommend are all in progress, there is a mixture of waiting on referral lists and me paying for private assessment. To hear I am doing all the right things helps, also helps that it is now morning, I feel worse in the evening when I am tired myself. Thank you Nikki. 

If your son is high functioning then it does get difficult to get an EHCP since there is no evidence of distress. My son masks a lot. so we had to get a lot of private assessments done. Of course he always had an IEP at school and has mobility concerns. It makes the case stronger if you go for private assessments. If your son has mobility issues then you need an OT assessment.  Usually kids on the spectrum will have speech and language issues, so it's worth getting an assessment.  And finally the most important of them all is the educational psychologist report.  They are the ones who would prescribe the kind of support your child would need and the type of school.  It is unfair that we need to pay from our pocket to get these assessments done. But with the covid crisis, NHS is stretched. Assessments are not happening and the ones that do happen are 40 minute zoom sessions which is a joke. Private assessment is an expensive affair, but I felt without them we would not have got the EHCP without appeals. Please find below link to various professionals you can contact:

https://www.parentsinneed.org/professional-reports/

Also make sure you keep emailing the school SENCO about your son's difficulties. Keep a record of all the absences and email the SENCO every time about why your son is not in school. Evidence is key. Not being in school is a big piece of evidence. It makes life easier if the school supports your EHCP appeal.  With regard to the depression itself, check if school and GP can push for CAMHS support. Sometimes it helps. But the wait time is 16 weeks in our area.

Above all if things don't work out at the current school then it's best to look for a provision that would support his needs and fight for it to be named in the EHCP.  It's a tedious process and sometimes you may find that there are no suitable schools where you live.  So may have to move.

Hope this helps.

With-a-Y,

If your son is willing to speak to you while he's in bed, let him speak but don't say anything yourself, just give him your ear, don't tell him what to do to help solve his depression, do nothing but give him your ear.

Depression in general, when people interfere before the depressed individual lets everything out it can make things harder because they just want to let it out to express themselves.

Masking is also a problem, masking is the same as denying self-expression, and denial of self-expression is an internal cause of depression, people need to let him express himself.

Exhaustion, stress and anxiety play a role in preventing people to overcome their depression. The masking is exhausting and prevents him doing active activities to increase stimulation because he's exhausted.

A lot of Autistic people become depressed because of the masking, they and I view Autism as part of our identity, by people forcing him to hide his identity is causes thwarted belonging and they come to think to themselves they have no place in this world and are so unwanted. 

If your son's having suicidal thoughts make sure to seek professional help.

Try asking the school if he could take a break from school and do his work at home where he won't be forced to mask, otherwise the school will have to let him be himself and not mask and protect him from any bullying peers.

I hope some of this has helped.

It most certainly worsened when he started secondary school last September.  It is a mainstream school. Presently I am going to mediation with the Local Authority as my request for an EHC assessment was rejected. He is also waiting for a CAMHS assessment which is in June. I spend most days emailing and ringing professionals trying to get support, the NAS education service has been brilliant.  This has been going on since September 2020 and all this time he has been suffering.  I am run down on what to do or say to ease these thoughts as I do not have answers. He is not really attending school very much and I am trying not to add any pressure but last night he said he feels nearly as sad not going,  as going to school. He feels trapped and no wonder, 9 months is a lot of time to a 12 year old isn’t it.  Thank you for your reply. 

Hi there

Sorry to hear that your son is feeling so depressed. Do you think it's because of secondary school? Does he attend a mainstream school ?  Kids on the spectrum have to work very hard to mask at school and that can be incredibly stressful for them in turn affecting mental health. If it's the school then it's time to get help and request school for support.