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12 year old son depressed and negative

With-a-Y

I need some bolstering. I feel very ground down by my sons low mood and his severe negativity, loss of hope.  Every day and especially at bedtime he is so depressed. I find it impossible to bring him any comfort. I have tried thinking about good things that have happened when I know he was happy, but he says thinking of them makes him more upset because they are in the past and he can’t have them back.  He is in bed, safe, with his teddies, soft lights, rain sounds, bubble lamp all the sensory needs are met. I know it’s more awful for him living it, I just feel like a useless bystander. Every night I say goodnight to him knowing he is feeling like this. 

Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you 

Parents

  • Hi there

    Sorry to hear that your son is feeling so depressed. Do you think it's because of secondary school? Does he attend a mainstream school ?  Kids on the spectrum have to work very hard to mask at school and that can be incredibly stressful for them in turn affecting mental health. If it's the school then it's time to get help and request school for support.

  • in reply to Nikki

    It most certainly worsened when he started secondary school last September.  It is a mainstream school. Presently I am going to mediation with the Local Authority as my request for an EHC assessment was rejected. He is also waiting for a CAMHS assessment which is in June. I spend most days emailing and ringing professionals trying to get support, the NAS education service has been brilliant.  This has been going on since September 2020 and all this time he has been suffering.  I am run down on what to do or say to ease these thoughts as I do not have answers. He is not really attending school very much and I am trying not to add any pressure but last night he said he feels nearly as sad not going,  as going to school. He feels trapped and no wonder, 9 months is a lot of time to a 12 year old isn’t it.  Thank you for your reply. 

Reply
  • in reply to Nikki

    It most certainly worsened when he started secondary school last September.  It is a mainstream school. Presently I am going to mediation with the Local Authority as my request for an EHC assessment was rejected. He is also waiting for a CAMHS assessment which is in June. I spend most days emailing and ringing professionals trying to get support, the NAS education service has been brilliant.  This has been going on since September 2020 and all this time he has been suffering.  I am run down on what to do or say to ease these thoughts as I do not have answers. He is not really attending school very much and I am trying not to add any pressure but last night he said he feels nearly as sad not going,  as going to school. He feels trapped and no wonder, 9 months is a lot of time to a 12 year old isn’t it.  Thank you for your reply. 

Children
  • in reply to Arran

    I am a bit desperate looking at all and every option suggested to me. I have tried to encourage him to do Outschool online tutoring on topics that he appears really interested in, it seems he rejectanything I suggest. He just wants to game online and watch YouTube , these appear to be the only activities he can focus on. I am so worried I will not be able to alter this routine he has found comrt in so he can achieve and enjoy varied opportunities. 

  • in reply to Nikki
    Nikki said:
      Usually kids on the spectrum will have speech and language issues, so it's worth getting an assessment. 

    Not in the case of Asperger syndrome. I didn't have any speech and language issues so autism was ruled out when I was at primary school.

    Nikki said:
    If your son is high functioning then it does get difficult to get an EHCP since there is no evidence of distress.

    Very true. It's quite hard to get an EHCP for children unless they are behind what is expected of them in English and maths for their year group, or they have traditional disabilities.

    Schools nowadays are interested in academic prowess so most of the support services goes on children who need extra help with reading, spelling, and maths.

    Nikki said:
    Above all if things don't work out at the current school then it's best to look for a provision that would support his needs and fight for it to be named in the EHCP.  It's a tedious process and sometimes you may find that there are no suitable schools where you live.  So may have to move.

    It might be better to look outside of the school system for education rather than fighting over EHCP. Things like Open University or industry type courses.

    My mother gave up battling with the school system. She said it was the best decision at the time although I lost the opportunity to take GCSEs because they had coursework at the time.

  • in reply to Nikki

    Thank you . It does help. We are on the journey and the steps you recommend are all in progress, there is a mixture of waiting on referral lists and me paying for private assessment. To hear I am doing all the right things helps, also helps that it is now morning, I feel worse in the evening when I am tired myself. Thank you Nikki. 

  • in reply to With-a-Y

    If your son is high functioning then it does get difficult to get an EHCP since there is no evidence of distress. My son masks a lot. so we had to get a lot of private assessments done. Of course he always had an IEP at school and has mobility concerns. It makes the case stronger if you go for private assessments. If your son has mobility issues then you need an OT assessment.  Usually kids on the spectrum will have speech and language issues, so it's worth getting an assessment.  And finally the most important of them all is the educational psychologist report.  They are the ones who would prescribe the kind of support your child would need and the type of school.  It is unfair that we need to pay from our pocket to get these assessments done. But with the covid crisis, NHS is stretched. Assessments are not happening and the ones that do happen are 40 minute zoom sessions which is a joke. Private assessment is an expensive affair, but I felt without them we would not have got the EHCP without appeals. Please find below link to various professionals you can contact:

    https://www.parentsinneed.org/professional-reports/

    Also make sure you keep emailing the school SENCO about your son's difficulties. Keep a record of all the absences and email the SENCO every time about why your son is not in school. Evidence is key. Not being in school is a big piece of evidence. It makes life easier if the school supports your EHCP appeal.  With regard to the depression itself, check if school and GP can push for CAMHS support. Sometimes it helps. But the wait time is 16 weeks in our area.

    Above all if things don't work out at the current school then it's best to look for a provision that would support his needs and fight for it to be named in the EHCP.  It's a tedious process and sometimes you may find that there are no suitable schools where you live.  So may have to move.

    Hope this helps.