Nursery v Home - conflicting reports

Is he actually ready to be potty trained? If he's not, then he should be left until he shows signs of being ready.

Is there a routine at your house? I know with nurseries, there generally is.

I really feel for you as I struggled through years of this. The pre-school said that he was fine and they had no concerns, as did the first two years of teachers at school, finally in year 2 he was taught by an aware teacher who asked for a re-referral, and a year on (aged 8) we have our diagnosis. So, in answer to your question, yes they can behave differently in different circumstances. My son was very good, and respectful of authority which is why his problems went unnoticed for so long by anyone except myself. I knew it couldn't be my parenting as his younger brother was so different, but still experienced plenty of self doubt. Stick with your gut feelings and speak to as many people as you can  about your concerns, hopefully, eventually, you'get one across  one who sees your son the way you do.

I really feel for you as I struggled through years of this. The pre-school said that he was fine and they had no concerns, as did the first two years of teachers at school, finally in year 2 he was taught by an aware teacher who asked for a re-referral, and a year on (aged 8) we have our diagnosis. So, in answer to your question, yes they can behave differently in different circumstances. My son was very good, and respectful of authority which is why his problems went unnoticed for so long by anyone except myself. I knew it couldn't be my parenting as his younger brother was so different, but still experienced plenty of self doubt. Stick with your gut feelings and speak to as many people as you can  about your concerns, hopefully, eventually, you'get one across  one who sees your son the way you do.

Thank you so much for that its really interesting and actually describes my son well. Quite often when I collect him from school his first reaction upon seeing me is to cry, he is often extremly tired and tetchy. Every day after nursery he has to come home and put his pjamas on and snuggle under his duvet. I could be reading more into it than there is but it does explain his behaviour especially since they have started making him go to the toilet. :(

Print this off and show it to the nursery:

www.autism.org.uk/.../different-behaviour-between-school-and-home.aspx

Tell them in no uncertain terms that your parenting is not at question here!

Thank you so much for your advice, I shall try the tips you've given as I think that will defo help him. 

Yes the courses are for non autistic children and to be honest it did hurt but I can understand their reasoning. I will read up on all the info on here, and just being able to talk to people in a similar situation is a godsend!

hi - Silver gives loads of good advice. Please don't think you're a bad parent.  You've raised your daughter "well, without issue" so why do they blame you?  Really, it is irresponsible of them to presume in this way.  If your son is diagnosed as autistic, then I'm not sure how the "parenting courses" will have helped as I presume they're for parents of children without autism.  If you think he may be on the autistic spectrum then build up your knowledge by searching this site.  There's loads of info + posts.  There will be other posts about potty training.  Also check out the home page.  Don't let them knock your confidence!

One thing that causes distress to people on the spectrum, and conflict with others that are working to a time, is changes to what they were expecting.  Needing wellies instead of shoes  is a good example, though many things that cause a lot of anxiety to an AS are not noticable by non-AS people. He can learn that when it is wet or there is snow he needs wellies not shoes but he needs to learn it a different way and he needs to have it as part of the routine that we check to see if it is a wellie day or a shoe day.  Get him to go and look at the weather and say if it is a wellie day or a shoe day.  If he doesn’t seem to undertand why wellies are sometimes needed then try putting an old shoe that is not needed anymore in a bowl of water and show how the water gets inside and will made his feet wet and how it spoils the shoe. If you do this at a time when he is calmer he can see the necessity of wellies and how it stops his shoes being spoit then he will come round to the idea. If he doesn’t want to be without his shoes let him take them with him as long as he agrees to look after them.  He needs more time to cope with change and he needs things to be exactly the same each day so if there are changes that might occur but can be forseen then it is best to put in deciding about them. All this take longer but is better for everybody.  If you’re running late one morning don’t be tempted to cut steps out.

Food is often an issue, I have food issues.  If you try and force him it will probably worsen. Ask him what would make the food clean.  My tollerant friend lets me peel the veg so I can eat in her house. For children on the spectrum it is not a passing fad but something that casues great anxiety.  It takes a lot more time and planning to help them.  The key is to understand why they are behaviour particular way which is a lot easier said than done because he probably will not be able to tell you. It is harder for non-AS people to see how he thinks about the world.

Do not think of yourself as a bad parent. The modern world is not a good place for people on the spectrum and the hitting and tantrums are about his confusion and probably fear/anxiety.

The mornings are bad, it could be something as simple as not wanting to wear his wellies instead of shoes. My parents have actually took over taking my eldest to school as he screams, hits, runs away most mornings now. 

Dinner time is a major issue as he deems most food 'dirty' so we have mega tantrums trying to get him to experiment with food. 

To be honest you cant make my son do anything he doesnt want to do, anything can cause him an issue it just depends on how hes feeling.

I think they should stop trying to force him, he may have issues they don't understand. Spectrum children are often seen as 'naughty' or defiant because they think they know what AS is when they have very limited knowledge, but still think they can make this judgement.

What triggers times of conflict at home? Is it, for example trying to get ready to go out in a morning?