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Its all out to get me.

Vyanni Krace

For the past five or so years I've had my autism pretty much under control, to the point where it seems even my family have forgotten that I have it.  Which is just how I wanted it.

But recently its been flaring up again, now that I am moving onto GCSE's. Its not so much my behaviour but what goes on inside my head. Sensory/information overloads seem to be occuring much more frequently now, especially in maths. Several times the frustration I experience in these moments has caused me to start crying. Before this started I haven't cried since Primary school.

 Along with that my OCD has been gradually getting worse too. I had a few small ticks like keeping my door at the exact angle and small stuff like that. But now more ticks are appearing again.

I am slowly washing my hands for increasingly longer periods of time and I have to tap an exact number of times. I have to start walking up or down stairs with the right feet and my bag has to feel perfectly balanced. If I stub one toe I get this impulse to stub the other.

 Its really concerning for me because it is all getting in the way of my classwork. I am getting distracted more often too, which used to happen a lot when I was younger and not in control of my autistic traits and now it is coming back. My brain drifts off or goes asleep while I think I am listening, I'll look at the clock thinking Its only been a few seconds or minutes only to find that a good chunk of the lesson as flown by. I end up finding I have gaps in my memory where I think I've been focused but actually I've been drifting.

 

So yeah. My main points of concern:

.My autism and aspergers seems to be coming back (and getting worse) with a vengance.

.My OCD is getting worse.

.My focus is getting worse.

.My memory seems to be completely shot. (And I am still only a teenager.)

 

Anyone have any advice?

  • Vyanni, I think that if you were to print out this discussion and give it to your mum to read, she would be able to see the anxiety you are feeling without you having to go through the stress of telling her about it and without you having to be worried about anyone interupting you before you got your feelings out.

    It takes a lot of courage to say you realize you are not handeling things well.  As a parent of someone with ASD who has a child who had a very bad emotional breakdown as the result of an exam, I can only say I wish they had had the courage to be able to ask me for help.  And I wish I had been more aware of the signs beforehand so that I could have been more suportive and understanding.  By not getting the help beforehand, it meant that the problems my child were facing were drawn out for months.  Now, with minumum daily support from the school (and more available if another crisis should arise) my child has grown in confidence and is more able to face exam conditions with a more normal level of stress.

    You have ASD, and as I am sure you know, there are some great benefits that you get from it.  But the exam system is geareed towards NT thinking, not ASD thinking.  So just like in PE, adjustments need to be made for people with physical impairments, it is not unreasonable or wrong or unfair for the exams to have a more level playing field.  If adjustments can be made for you and are allowed to be made, trust me when I say that you are likely to benefit from them as it is difficult to get them in the first place.  And it does not make you a lesser person or give you any advantage to those without it.  It just means you are not going into it disadvantaged.

    I really do hope that you are able to get the inner peace you deserve so that you are able to show everyone exactly how clever and talented you are on your exams.

  • Thanks for all the help and advice, I'll try it and see how it works.

    The only problem is convincing others that I need help without making them think I am using my autism as a crutch. :/ As I said I have never really needed support before, to the point where most people (even my family on occasion) have forgotten that I have autism at all. Im not even sure if the teachers at my current school are aware of my problems, if my mum deemed in necessary to inform them considering how well I usually function.

     I dont know how to tell them that I need the help. Whenever I've tried to hint to my mum that my autism may be flaring and causing problems she just waves it off, says Im perfectly fine and am just worrying over nothing and that the reason I am struggling is because I am not revising enough. :/ I think I can tell the difference between just not pulling my weight and actually having mental break-downs/blocks thanks. My teachers are much the same way whenever I hint at struggling. Which is why I wonder if they even know about it.

    All this is really why I prefer not to get help. Half because I've never needed it before and I feel a little ashamed and embarrassed at having to, and half because people just dont listen when I really need the help because they are convinced I can handle it myself, which as a result causes me to be more ashamed because I feel I am a dissapointment by needing the help despite what they think.

  • I wouldnt worry too much,

    stress and tiredness tend to increase the symptoms as you are saying,

    My guess is the increased stress of exams is causing a reaction, its not permanent and fairly normal.

    The other factor could be the cold weather, dozing off or lapses of concentration often happen after you come in from the cold to a warm room, particularly if you have a cold or a mild virus that you may not even be aware of.

    As I see it its probably temporary, when the weather warms up you will relax a bit and the symptoms will reduce.

  • Although on one hand you are right about the ability to resit the modular units after units 1 and 2, if the worst happens, you are able to retake the course and then take a linear exam.  Yes, this is not ideal, but again, it means that there is a way to overcome the set back.  

    The current stress you are goign through is something many people go through NT or ASD.  Yes, the stress may come out differently for you than an NT person, but in some ways exam stress is not an ASD specific issue.  I say this because all people with extreme stress which was preventing them from being able to work at their normal level would be given the chance for the exame interventions (providing they had documentary evidence of their problems.)

    I understand what you mean about not wanting autism to rule your life, but EVERYBODY needs help sometimes.  ASD or NT.  Nobody can handle all of their stress without sharing the load.  And shoaring the load means talking about it with other people and letting them help you.  

    Are there activities that you do that help to give a "quiet mind".  Things such as reading, music, hobby, ...... If so, you need to give yourself plenty of opportunities to do these.

    Are you very friendly with others taking the same classes as you?  If so, perhaps you could work out a note sharing arrangement so that when you tune out you will still have access to the notes in the lessons.

    You could also ask if they would like a study group to help study for the exams together.  This could involve different people being responsible for different parts of the course and helping the others revise in that area.

    In terms of memory, I find studying by note cards help.  You can make yourself flash cards of the material (either virtual using something like StudyDroid or with physical notecards).  You can then give yourself a goal of looking at at least x cards per day. The making of the cards actually helps get the information into your memory.

    But please do not look at needing help as a failing.  Sometimes by getting the help early on it prevents you from needing it later.  Help is not a bad word, help is not an internal failing. Help is what all human beings need at some point in their life.  I have seen help save lives.

  • Thank you for the advice. :)

    I know I can re-take a lot of my GCSE exams but unfortunately I cannot take my Science GCSE's again if I fail them. Not after Unit 2 anyway. Im doing triple science and for some reason if we fail one of the exams we're not allowed to re-take them.

     

    I dont want my autism to rule my life. I dont want to get all this extra support, I've never needed it before and I shouldnt need it now. I just want to know how I can get it under control again.

  • Have you spoken to anyone at school about this.  Do you have a good relationship with learners support? If so, TALK TO THEM.

    One of the things they do at my child's school to minimize stress is allow them to take tests in learners support (a room where those who need it are very familiar with).  Breaks can also be arranged.  These are reasonable adjustments which are allowed by exam boards.

    Another thing which may help you is to understand that if the worst was to happen and you were to fail some GCSE's, it will not be the end of the world as you would be allowed to retake them.  There are do overs in life and it is a myth that failing GCSE's means you are a failure.

    Also, you will find that there are six forms and even good universities which will accept lower scored for admitance from those on the spectrum because many with ASD do not "test" well but do brilliant work.  Perhaps if you confirm how sixth forms in your area handle this kind of thing it would take some pressure off.

    Remember, you are NOT the only one who feels this way.  A lot of people do, and not just people on the spectrum.  I am sure if you spoke to some of your peers you would find that they are worried abotu GCSE's and the future also.