I GIVE UP...

I'm starting to give up. My 14 y.o daughter has so many issues going on right now and I'm sure some is bad parenting. I really need help. I've posted many things about them but now they are starting to worry me. 

She keeps damaging school property to get staples and pins. She was kicking chairs about in school. Doesn't go to lessons and sits in the hall chilling. She left school grounds. She loves to wander about everywhere so I let her go out with her sister (13 years) and she was collecting sticks and banging on the bins with them, smashing beer bottles and creating a mess in their local park with them. She keeps hiding in bushes and keep coming home with sweets, food and fizzy drinks they've been buying with her sister's money but it's too much sugar. (£15 worth in 2 days). When she's in the house she's fine and chilled.

I don't know what to do since her behaviour is changing and I've seen this before before she breaks up for the school holidays. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. She's changing. Most of her behaviour happens in school which confuses me since she loves school and is upping her time there. How can I help with the transition to the break? 

I'm sorry for ranting on but I'm sure the behaviour outside of school is because of my bad parenting. Any advice/opinions are amazing. 

Thanks x

  • Wildlife ecology and conservation   and  Art  can't rememeber the full Art one it was something and Art or Art and something . 

  • WOW, 2 degrees? Just curious, what in? Ignore if I'm prying. Good for her!

  • Yes, she has been through dark times including times where she nearly got taken away from me and she knows that there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. When she has bad days she just looks back in the past and knows that she can get past the bad times with my help. 

  • My step daughter is 26 now ,when she was a teenager she was very similar, trouble at school ,arrested a few times ,drugs, drink  all sorts of trouble, she has asd and Tourette's ,but she has 2 degrees and a good stable partner now , 

    Things can work out well ,you just have to be the stable  part of her life.

  • You sound like a very caring mom. She's lucky to have you. Middle school/high school can be real hell for a person with ASD.....Happy Easter.

  • My daughter was arrested last summer after her birthday. She had a phase of a lot of police involvement when going through a dark time and we didn't have a diagnosis but were being assessed. I have seen a change in behavior because I used to tell her off and shout after a bad day at school and I thought she was making excuses about lights and seating in the classroom but know we have a diagnosis I now understand why she was distressed and how I wasn't helping. She now loves my presence and comes to me after a bad day. Thanks for your reply. Have a good Easter. 

  • Thanks for your kind reply.....I realize I didn't write much in the way of solutions for you & maybe even stuff people have already said. The climbing gym I used to go to....I'd go on slow times (as shown from google data) & put headphones on....I'm sorry to hear about her trauma. I could have been categorized as ODD--but I didn't really have it. Just really didn't respect authority figures & was tired of being treated like a child when I was starting to turn into a little adult. I probably shouldn't share this, but I went to jail for truency from high school......I just did my best to survive during that time. It didn't go on my record or anything.....I just really hated school & I use to wander alot by myself. Anytime I was supposed to be in Sunday school or at regular school. I just couldn't be around people, the anxiety was too high. Again, you sound like a really caring parent.....she's lucky to have you. One of the things I told my parents yesterday as I finish my degree this next month is...."thank you for being there." Just by existing and being in her life---while she develops & changes......this sticks with a kid for life. You're doing the hard work by being PRESENT. This is not forever....you both will get through this. 

  • Yes, she does like rock climbing but she won't go to the public building it's in which we are working on. She does do cycling, horse riding and trampolining. I will see if she would like to join martial arts. Thanks again

  • Thank you, I have to admit that at one point in secondary school we thought she had ODD but then teachers said about autism. She has also been through a lot of trauma and I'm sorry that you have. About the chairs and property I don't think teachers will really punish her, she only gets points taken away if she isn't in lesson. She's in a Pupil Referral Unit so teachers don't really use punishments unless it's really serious.

  • This could also become her form of stimming...which is destructive. I bought a ring recently that spins for stimming more subtly...she may have alot of excess energy.......hmmm, I wonder if she'd like rock climbing or martial arts for punching/hitting? Subtly, where it's her idea, not yours. I just wanted to be gothic & getting into adult stuff at that age.

  • Not an expert by any means....this sounds ALOT like ODD...oppositional defiance disorder which can common in ASD/ADHD OR she's just being a regular pre-teen entering teenage years......I know for me...I acted out alot. I have to admit. I was a hellion. I was getting drunk behind churches and doing teenager stuff---it's possible she's just getting into adolesence and my parents were really strict/controlling. I'm not saying you are this way, but them not wanting me to do stuff only pushed me to do more. Kind of like a preachers kid. I am not a parent, so I am coming from a different place....you may just try some experiements & see which is most effective...like reverse psychology or giving her more space. Hey, if she wants to kick chairs/break school property---it'll be a lesson/consequences that she'll have to face, you can't save her from it/nor should you. I wanted my parents to leave me be while I went through a time where my brain chemistry was all over the place. 14 year olds are supposed to be impulsive, they haven't formed that part in their brain yet. I was also acting out from trauma that happened to me at that age. I know that you want to protect her...that's what my mom always said, but you may just have to let her be her own "little adult" if she's going to do stuff like that. You sound like a really caring parent to me.

  • She used to do Girl Guiding and loved it until we moved house 2/3 years ago but she took it up again in the local area and she loved it for about a year then stopped it. I will look at some other youth clubs or something she could do. Thanks for the suggestion. 

  • all good. there is security in sports you like because if you don't like the people or can't get on with them you can just float on the edge, focus on the activity, and enjoy the social activity vicariously as an observer. But something more social and talkative wouldn't go amiss. somewhere she can try to get to grips with making friends with people who's social skills are very different from hers. A youth club maybe, something with a relaxed vibe where she can sit in the corner an listen to good music, play on her phone, till she feels confident enough to actually talk to someone.

  • Yes, we are on the waiting list for a cycling club since she loves that. She is also waiting for her horse riding sessions to open up as well as her trampolining club. 

  • possibly because she has no notion she could even make friends online, it probably seems hard enough in person. You have limited control over what happens to her at school. but outside of school, now lockdown is very slowly ending. I'd think very hard about trying to find some sort of club or activity group for her. Preferably one that interests her.

  • to do what with them?

    To be honest I have no clue. I think she just plays with them and scratch the walls with them.

  • I guess it is but she isn't fussed about not having it. She hasn't had it for about a year and a bit now after an incident on it

  • Maybe in normal times that would make sense but in lockdown isn't that basically that close to solitary confinement?

  • Thanks Peter. She has been moved around school a lot because of her behavior but she is so smart. She doesn't have any social media since it has a very negative influence on her and she's agreed not to have it again.