Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm starting to give up. My 14 y.o daughter has so many issues going on right now and I'm sure some is bad parenting. I really need help. I've posted many things about them but now they are starting to worry me.
She keeps damaging school property to get staples and pins. She was kicking chairs about in school. Doesn't go to lessons and sits in the hall chilling. She left school grounds. She loves to wander about everywhere so I let her go out with her sister (13 years) and she was collecting sticks and banging on the bins with them, smashing beer bottles and creating a mess in their local park with them. She keeps hiding in bushes and keep coming home with sweets, food and fizzy drinks they've been buying with her sister's money but it's too much sugar. (£15 worth in 2 days). When she's in the house she's fine and chilled.
I don't know what to do since her behaviour is changing and I've seen this before before she breaks up for the school holidays. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. She's changing. Most of her behaviour happens in school which confuses me since she loves school and is upping her time there. How can I help with the transition to the break?
I'm sorry for ranting on but I'm sure the behaviour outside of school is because of my bad parenting. Any advice/opinions are amazing.
Thanks x
Not an expert by any means....this sounds ALOT like ODD...oppositional defiance disorder which can common in ASD/ADHD OR she's just being a regular pre-teen entering teenage years......I know for me...I acted out alot. I have to admit. I was a hellion. I was getting drunk behind churches and doing teenager stuff---it's possible she's just getting into adolesence and my parents were really strict/controlling. I'm not saying you are this way, but them not wanting me to do stuff only pushed me to do more. Kind of like a preachers kid. I am not a parent, so I am coming from a different place....you may just try some experiements & see which is most effective...like reverse psychology or giving her more space. Hey, if she wants to kick chairs/break school property---it'll be a lesson/consequences that she'll have to face, you can't save her from it/nor should you. I wanted my parents to leave me be while I went through a time where my brain chemistry was all over the place. 14 year olds are supposed to be impulsive, they haven't formed that part in their brain yet. I was also acting out from trauma that happened to me at that age. I know that you want to protect her...that's what my mom always said, but you may just have to let her be her own "little adult" if she's going to do stuff like that. You sound like a really caring parent to me.
Thank you, I have to admit that at one point in secondary school we thought she had ODD but then teachers said about autism. She has also been through a lot of trauma and I'm sorry that you have. About the chairs and property I don't think teachers will really punish her, she only gets points taken away if she isn't in lesson. She's in a Pupil Referral Unit so teachers don't really use punishments unless it's really serious.
Wildlife ecology and conservation and Art can't rememeber the full Art one it was something and Art or Art and something .
WOW, 2 degrees? Just curious, what in? Ignore if I'm prying. Good for her!
Yes, she has been through dark times including times where she nearly got taken away from me and she knows that there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. When she has bad days she just looks back in the past and knows that she can get past the bad times with my help.
My step daughter is 26 now ,when she was a teenager she was very similar, trouble at school ,arrested a few times ,drugs, drink all sorts of trouble, she has asd and Tourette's ,but she has 2 degrees and a good stable partner now ,
Things can work out well ,you just have to be the stable part of her life.
You sound like a very caring mom. She's lucky to have you. Middle school/high school can be real hell for a person with ASD.....Happy Easter.
My daughter was arrested last summer after her birthday. She had a phase of a lot of police involvement when going through a dark time and we didn't have a diagnosis but were being assessed. I have seen a change in behavior because I used to tell her off and shout after a bad day at school and I thought she was making excuses about lights and seating in the classroom but know we have a diagnosis I now understand why she was distressed and how I wasn't helping. She now loves my presence and comes to me after a bad day. Thanks for your reply. Have a good Easter.
Thanks for your kind reply.....I realize I didn't write much in the way of solutions for you & maybe even stuff people have already said. The climbing gym I used to go to....I'd go on slow times (as shown from google data) & put headphones on....I'm sorry to hear about her trauma. I could have been categorized as ODD--but I didn't really have it. Just really didn't respect authority figures & was tired of being treated like a child when I was starting to turn into a little adult. I probably shouldn't share this, but I went to jail for truency from high school......I just did my best to survive during that time. It didn't go on my record or anything.....I just really hated school & I use to wander alot by myself. Anytime I was supposed to be in Sunday school or at regular school. I just couldn't be around people, the anxiety was too high. Again, you sound like a really caring parent.....she's lucky to have you. One of the things I told my parents yesterday as I finish my degree this next month is...."thank you for being there." Just by existing and being in her life---while she develops & changes......this sticks with a kid for life. You're doing the hard work by being PRESENT. This is not forever....you both will get through this.