What Can I Do To Make It Right Without Saying Sorry?

I'll try to stop apologising. You're right about the vouchers, especially during lockdown. I could not get my head around Dancing On Ice, if I want to watch a dance show I'll watch Strictly Come Dancing. Love the image!

That's very true. My family are going to try do more family meetings so to be honest and explain what we mean in the part. 

I struggle with people that make me feel ashamed to be autistic. I want to educate them but will they listen?

Stop apologising!  I'm serious.  From what you've said, you're the one who has been emotionally blackmailed into doing something you didn't want to do.  Everybody needs alone time occasionally, in my opinion your parents are way out of line.  You really shouldn't feel bad about spending your vouchers on yourself either.  Let's say instead of vouchers they gave you crafts for Christmas instead.. would they not be annoyed if you then gave those away to someone else?

And besides all that that.. Dancing on Ice?  I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

Sure - feelings are hard to manage.

My wife and I had to learn to be really honest with each other to make it word. Before I would make her sad all the time. Not on purpose - but because we simply didn't understand each other. Our conversations and arguments now are very detailed with regards to what we mean. I ask her repeat what she understood and let her know when I am confused of her reaction. This works well for us. Limits the misunderstandings. 

My parents and grandparents are very controlling and manipulative in their behavior  as well, because they really want me to be "normal" and make life easier for them. It's apparently very shameful and confusing for them to have an autistic kid. Nevertheless I insist on educating them and does not accept for anything else than a display of their world-view and - essentially - their anxiety. 

Thank you. People assume I think or act in one way when really it's another and it is really annoying. I will try to explain, although it's difficult to verbally articulate this. 

True, which is really annoying. I am responsible for my feelings and behaviour but I am not always aware to what extent this responsibility affects everyone around me.

Stress does make me react badly so I flight or freeze. I'm not bad but my behaviour can sometimes be complicated. 

I'm sorry I know it's horrible when people misinterpret you being quiet. This caused some big arguments in my family because my sister's husband thought I hated him for years, but I did like  him, I just never knew how to act around him. Do your best to explain afterwards when you think there's been a misunderstanding, and hopefully they will get better at understanding you. It's their job as well as yours so don't beat yourself up. :)

Life is not easy and peoples feeling will get hurt. That is just a fact. You are not a bad person for being you. Also, remember that everyone are responsible for their own feelings. If they are sad, they need to take the constructive actions to get leveled again. It is never you responsibility. 

And being stressed will make you react. You will feel cornered often and your situation does sound very manipulative. You are not a bad person.

I feel stressed when I think I could potentially mess up and you're right, I need a lot of work on my self-care. I will but it's hard to when I realise that I have hurt people's feelings. I can get alohg with others when I am comfortable which takes a lot of time.

It did feel unreasonable, but I did not respond in the right way. I want to be more thoughful especially since my Dad was. 

Honestly, it sounds like you are under a lot stress and have a hard time with your selfcare. Try to make peace with yourself and the situation. You need to find calm and talk nice to yourself before you can talk nice to others. You are very articulate and I'm sure you'll have no troubles getting along with others, if you are at ease.

Poor you, no one should have to do stuff they don't want to do. It seems an unreasonable request to me. My mother was the same.

I appreciate what you were saying, especially since there were definite crossed wires within communication. I do need to be more firm and polite, but I was really thoughtless about how my behaviour looks to the outside world. It made my mum cry. 

Hello,

having read your post, I feel that you have done nothing wrong to apologise for. No one should force you in to doing something you do not want to do simply to please them. Be firm but polite with your parents. Maybe there is a show you would like to see with them? I hope you find supported accomodation.

I think my family (and certainly my friends) think I am egocentric which has caused issues. I just think my world has slowly become very small but because I have spent most of my life in mainstream and thus must be part of a neurotypical society, I have to have far more awareness of myself and everyone around me. I feell like I am in primary school within the education of having good social skills, when I should have graduated from its university. 

Well, I guess it's fair to say that they seem to be equally "social on their own terms".  I've had a lot of this throughout my life. Especially from my dad and grand dad, who still won't recognize that I am autistic. They simply believe that I am egocentric, which has polarized our relationship quite a bit during the years. I've had to come to terms with who I am; act accordingly and hope that some good people will "stick". Regardless if they are family or not. 

I got diagnosed as autistic when I was three years old, but only started to discuss my mental health problems last year. I have had very low self-worth and self-image so I think I got too obsessed trying to rebuild that. Part of it has worked as I have lost well over a stone and a couple of inches off my waist, but what I posted today shows it has not worked so far.

I think the words 'make me and Mum happy' freaked me out especially said in a stern tone. My parents think I am being social on my own terms without thinking of others which is unfair to them. 

So you found out you are autistic last year? I have known my own autism for about a year now, and I got absolutely absorbed in my own needs as well. Simply my selfworth plummeted to an all-time low and my self-image got knocked out. I was back to zero and had to learn about who I am and how I can interact with others in a way that is positive for both me and them. 

Also, I am thinking that there should be no obligations between you and your parents like that. No people should be/feel forced to socialize. You are free to say no whenever you feel like it. 

I still though because when I was trying to keep control of my thoughts by being quiet I looked upset when I was not. I did try to make a cup of tea last night but then I blurted out (should have kept it in!) why I do not have as much interest in Dancing on Ice than RuPaul's Drag Race UK and Strictly Come Dancing (which I do watch with family), and they got upset because they want me in supported accomodation but worry that I will not be able to be around other people. 

I don't think you did anything wrong. You watched the program with them to make them happy. They should know it's OK for you to be quiet sometimes. If your parents are upset by you being quiet/non-communicative then remind them directly that you still like them but you just need some calm quiet time. When you're in a better mood you could do something nice like hug them/make a cup of tea idk, people seem to like that.