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What Can I Do To Make It Right Without Saying Sorry?

NAS66392

I am on the autism spectrum and I have been bad last night and today. Last night I did not want to watch Dancing On Ice and I was told by my Dad in a stern manner to come downstairs to watch it to make my Mum and him happy. I take fluxoetine once a day and I am sure that that is the reason I have stopped emotionally reacting to when my Mum is stern with me, but because Dad rarely does it it can make me emotional especially since I tend to freeze and flight because I struggle to articulate my feelings. I am very quick to feel embarrassment and shame when I do something wrong so I went downstairs to watch the programme with my parents. When I feel those feelings I tend to ruminate so I was trying to keep that and any embarrassment or shame under control, plus I do not watch many ice skating shows so I was trying to understand it so I was very quiet. As a reuslt, I am pretty sure I still upset them even when I was failing at trying not to. I feel terrible but I know that they are pretty fed up with me, especially as I bought crafts that arrived today for me using an Amazon voucher they gave me for Christmas which makes it look like I care more about myself than anyone else. 

I really want to say that I am sorry but I know they are sick to death of hearing those words. I don't want to be a narcissist, I just can be very thoughtless because it feels like my brain cannot take on as much things as everyone else does in their brain. I don't want to be especially as we are stuck in lockdown together. I feel terrible that I hurt them and I want to make this right. What can I do to make amends? 

Parents

  • When I read you post, I can't help thinking that you might as well be fed up with not being accepted as who you are. Do you recognize that feeling? I don't think it is a positive behavior to place shame in you for what you wish to see in the TV. I don't know how old you are, but I think you would benefit from working on accepting yourself as a start :) 

  • in reply to Charlie Timm

    I think that was my emotion because I did feel fed up that me saying 'no thank you' was slightly ignored. I know that I should not feel shame but I do feel guilty for upsettting my parents. I am in my early twenties and since 2020 have only been starting to get help. I want to accept myself but I think I have got too obsessed with self-care that I am neglecting other people around me and causing them to get upset. I want to have my own living, preferably in shared accomodation so I am not on my own, but there are times where I think 'God, I am so useless that I will fail in my plan, so why bother?'.

  • in reply to NAS66392

    So you found out you are autistic last year? I have known my own autism for about a year now, and I got absolutely absorbed in my own needs as well. Simply my selfworth plummeted to an all-time low and my self-image got knocked out. I was back to zero and had to learn about who I am and how I can interact with others in a way that is positive for both me and them. 

    Also, I am thinking that there should be no obligations between you and your parents like that. No people should be/feel forced to socialize. You are free to say no whenever you feel like it. 

  • in reply to Charlie Timm

    That's very true. My family are going to try do more family meetings so to be honest and explain what we mean in the part. 

    I struggle with people that make me feel ashamed to be autistic. I want to educate them but will they listen?

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