New member - Autistic mum feeling very isolated

Hi, and welcome. I joined yesterday and like you I wanted to reach out via this forum to not feel so alone (every post I write I worry I'm going to look like a fool so I understand that). It seems that autism in females is becoming more recognised so I hope you will not only find like-minded people on here but perhaps also locally to you for further support. I have read some very good articles which really highlight struggles I've had which I assumed were just me being awkward.

I'm 35 and I have recently been referred for diagnosis. I am a bit of an open and intense book too and have struggled to make friends for a lot of my life. Never understood how some people (like my two sisters) seem so surrounded by friends. It is hard...

I don't have children, just the fur baby who is currently purring by my feet.

Hello, that is the hope! There are some really good Ted Talks on Youtube, some of them make me feel so empowered and in love with my brain. Then I spend a bit more time in the real world and it can all come crashing down again. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long for diagnosis! Have you always known, or was it a bit of a shock to you?

I can completely relate to the friends thing, my sister has at least 12 friends with varying degrees of friendship, but I have no idea how she manages so many relationships! 

I wish I had a fur baby!! We are waiting until we can afford a house before we have any animal companions.

Hello, that is the hope! There are some really good Ted Talks on Youtube, some of them make me feel so empowered and in love with my brain. Then I spend a bit more time in the real world and it can all come crashing down again. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long for diagnosis! Have you always known, or was it a bit of a shock to you?

I can completely relate to the friends thing, my sister has at least 12 friends with varying degrees of friendship, but I have no idea how she manages so many relationships! 

I wish I had a fur baby!! We are waiting until we can afford a house before we have any animal companions.

It's a great place to speak openly. I keep worrying that I'm going to say something that upsets someone and I see so many others in this community who are (for the first time in my experience) as worried about saying the wrong thing as I am. I just want to send a virtual hug (I dislike physical hugs..) to everyone who starts their post with that apology. I understand the Chinese Whispers analogy perfectly. I do love a good analogy. Sometimes for me, it's as though the words are leaves swirling around my head and I can't string them together to understand them.

My sister was listening to me talking about a bad experience I'd had at work and she just said she thought I might be autistic. I guess a tv image of autism sprung to my mind and I thought she was being ridiculous and unintentionally hurtful picking on my strange characteristics. When she talked to me about it again she explained it differently but I can't remember her words. Knowing what I do now, I believe my partner is also autistic but I don't want to suggest this to him. Maybe he knows and has never told me! I'm still contemplating how to tell him about me, I know he'd understand and would love me the same because I AM the same. It's just that I now have an explanation for the way I think and act and see the world. The thing with my sister telling me is that she's never shied away from telling anyone what's what but she was kind in the way she said it. My older sister sends me the newspaper articles I mentioned before because she believes I will enjoy them and I do.

That's really cool! I know I've only just joined but I love this place already, it's so weird to type something without thinking about it too much and people just get it. It's just hitting me how little I'm understood by others. Does it ever feel to you like you're playing a game of Chinese Whispers (this probably isn't the politically correct name, but I'm not sure what else to call it, sorry for my ignorance) with everyone around you? You're at one end of the chain and they are at the other. I just thought of that analogy earlier and I think it sums up the majority of my social interactions perfectly. 

That is really good that your sister was able to spot it, how did you feel about it when she first mentioned it? I ask because my friend who I met earlier this year, I'm 99% she is on the spectrum, but she is doing fairly well with life apart from some anxiety. I have spoken a little about my Autism to her and it seemed to make her very uncomfortable, even when I was being careful, I think she has a very limited understanding. I haven't said to much because there's always that fear of a negative reaction. But now I'm wondering if her son has it also, he is over 18 months and showing signs. Do you think I should mention or wait? How did your sister approach it with you?

Sorry if that is too much, it's a big question and I don't expect an answer at all.

There is so much you have written on your thread that I relate to that I don't know how to start replying!

My sister works with young autistic adults so has been required to take courses to qualify her for this. In doing so she recognised many of the typical traits in me and spoke to me about it. I've often been told I'm a bit weird but I always put my strangeness and difficulty in making friends down to being home-schooled by my overprotective parents. 

I share your opinion of cards. I try to not let it get to me but it still does every year... 

Being separated from my partner for 12 weeks was really lonely but when we were able to form our support bubble it was wonderful. I burst out crying when I was told the news update. Our relationship is so much stronger and with greater appreciation of our time together since then.

What you said about strong morals and injustice is also something I recognise in myself. I didn't know that was an AS trait. My mind can go round in circles over something as simple as a lazy neighbour using my recycling bin to put their stuff in.. As a result I am often a walking thundercloud if someone sets me off.. But not all the time, honest!

I just type in the search bar "Autism in women TED" and scroll through there are quite a lot. That must be odd to find out so late in life, I always knew because of my brother, but my parents avoided getting me diagnosed. I was only diagnosed at 17 because I was really ill with Anorexia Nervosa and it turned out to be an important part of my treatment. 

I hate cards, they really rub it in your face how few people care. The worst for me is the extended family members who send cards to my sister every year, but not to me. Also the ones at Christmas that don't include my husbands name, but those same people send cards to my sister with her boyfriends name in. As if my marriage is some how a less valid relationship. But my mum always tells me I'm reading into it too much.

My mum said the same about her cat, I miss him, he is so cuddly! My husband and I are lucky enough to live together, but in a flat. I couldn't imagine being separated during lockdown! That must be really difficult.

I think there is something about cat psychology that resonates with people on the AS.

Yes, it's super expensive, I love being a full-time mum and I'm still breastfeeding a lot.

NAS69745, is childcare out of the question?

I agree, one minute I can feel empowered and the next reality bites and I'm awkward me again. I'd love to check out the TED talks you mentioned, are they easy to locate?

Ihave only just recently found out and it was a bit of a shock but once I started reading about autism in females (and generally) I started to accept it and ask how getting diagnosed could help me.

Same with my sisters, I don't know how they juggle all those varying levels of friendships. Part of me is glad I don't have to do that juggling (I think it would be exhausting!) but then when I'm round one of their homes and see lots of birthday cards strung up and I think about the 3 or 4 I display each year it can feel almost physically painful.

I love my cat, he is like a friend/companion with his awesome characteristics. I think lockdown would have been horrible if I hadn't had his cheeky self with me. I don't live with my partner yet, lockdown delayed those plans but we are still looking for 'our place'.

Yes, well I am half way between my brother, he's also Autistic, and he can go weeks without seeing anyone at all. And my sister who is always chatting to someone. I've always felt happier just having one or two friends who I text every now and again, since I am lucky enough to have my lovely husband and I used to see my family every week as well. But since having a baby, there is that constant worry that I'm isolating him. I managed to make friends with another mum back in January, that was lovely meeting up with her once a week for a while, but since the lockdown the bus service in my area has been reduced to just 3 buses a day, that has really cut off one major life line for me. I used to get that bus to meet my friend, now to catch the bus I either have to leave far too early in the morning, or at my son's dinner time.

A Library sounds like a good idea, I'll need to find out if there are any with a good children's section nearby. The only issue with that is my boy is very vocal, not sure if he's old enough for a library yet. We read at home, but only when he's feeding. 

Hi. I, too, have siblings who have never had problems making friends and it sometimes seems to me we must have come from different parents, but that's just the way things work out sometimes. You have to be true to yourself, however, and pursue the kind of life that is good for you and it seems to me you have become a bit too isolated. Having a young son must be very time consuming and not allow you the freedom to get out now and then and it's a pity your mom is moving away soon. Do you like going to libraries, etc? That is the kind of environment that might suit you since you are not expected to socialize yet be in the company of people who might have things in common with you.