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Scared Dad

NAS67109

Hi all

i’m not really sure where to start with this, my son is 3 in 3 weeks and is still not talking. He has some words however very rarely uses this and needs to be encouraged to do this. He won’t just talk without you asking him to, he rarely plays with any toys and is really hard to keep entertained and to get him to focus. We seem to be on the path to an autism diagnosis and I’m just not sure how to cope with this, all the questions. Will he ever talk? Will he be able to live a normal life? Will he go to school and have friends. I never imagined this path when becoming a father and I’m just not sure how to cope with it all, sometimes I feel ok and think I can get through this with him and other times of jealous of other parents for what they have! I’d do anything to be able to have a conversation with my boy, share some interests and be able to do things together. Do I sound selfish? I’m just so scared of our future and what it holds I feel we should have everything to look forward to but that’s now robbed of us and I’m scared of what the future holds, sometimes I’m not sure how to carry on.

  • I can relate to how you feel, my son was 3 years 10 months when he was diagnosed. It is scary but the diagnoses helped us to access a lot of support with speech therapy, social skills lessons and the statement ( as it was called ) , allowed a teaching assistant in school. It's hard not to think about what is ' normal ' but, I found that focusing on my child's achievements helped to stop me comparing. A local parents support group really helped, don't be afraid to ask for help.

    My son is 19 now, he finished mainstream school and college and has just beaten me at Scrabble !! 

    Hope this helps.

  • Hey, first of all, I have to congratulate that you are asking for help. As I have autism myself, I learned that it's all a learning process. Autism or speech difficulties can get support and will be able to live a 'normal' life. (It may not be what you have expected but it is the best for your child's needs) there's plenty of support for you and your child. They may be some struggles but you CAN  get threw this! 

  • in reply to AJ

    That’s the one - thanks AJ! 

  • in reply to Anthony

    Is it Makaton?

  • in reply to Plastic

    I know he is a long way behind his peer group in terms of speech and play as he has very little words and little concentration for play, currently this isn’t a struggle for us as we can get by and it doesn’t really stand out, he is fine in public and in crowds nothing like noise phases him etc the main thing for me is I just want him to be able to talk. That’s what I guess I’m most scared about. I just hope he has a good life ahead of him where he can stand on his own two feet and for his life not to be over before it has even begun.

  • in reply to NAS67109

    You're going to feel totally mixed up until you can measure his development in comparison to his peer group.    Does he have any siblings?     Does he have something he can measure and compare himself to or see behaviours he should copy? (I was a twin - my brother is NT.)

    Your son is very young still so there's lots of growing to do.     All I can advise is do as much as you can with him - chat to him all the time, read to him, if he's into being outside, then take him to the woods, show him nature - just try to find the way into his mind.  

  • I just don’t know how to feel, some days I have really good days, I think we have the easy part so far the only difference we notice is lack of speech and lack of play. He loves rough and tumble and being in the garden but doesn’t really pay much attention to much. He sleeps well, eats well and doesn’t present as melt downs, he loves being outdoors and going for walks he can run off but I’m trying to teach him to wait when I shout for him to and also to be careful around the road, he’s enjoying puzzles and can do them although he doesn’t seem to take in words and what things are. He has understanding but I feel I have to point to things for him to follow rather than him just understanding. I’m just so confused and don’t know what to expect or how to feel 

  • My nephew is 3 and a half, diagnosed with autism and doesn’t yet speak - the professionals think speech might come as late as 4 or 5 years old. Asides from this he is very smart and his comprehension of speech is there - so if you ask him to get his shoes he will for example. This comprehension is good because it makes picking up speech a faster process when it actually happens. He also uses a basic form of sign language ( I forget what it’s called) so he can ask for help which I’d I remember rightly is a clinched fist tapped on the palm of the hand,  more is the flat palm of a hand tapping the clinches fist, milk is using the hands to gesture milking the udders of a cow - I’m no expert as you can tell as I don’t see him much, but that sign language may open up communication until your son speaks.

    If anyone can remember what this simplified form of sign language is called, please share :) 

  • Hi - You're going to go through a grieving process - you will have had all sorts of dreams for your son - good son, loads of friends, great job, married, 2.4 kids & a Labrador.     You will also blame yourself in case it's your fault.      All this is perfectly normal.        You need to understand his world - what he likes and what lights him up.         There's a good chance that he will surprise you - I was a very quiet child too.      I loved tv back then - it was my window to the world and I loved all the factual programmes (it was the late 60s / early 70s so the moon landings were happening).      I loved colourful encyclopedias with pictures of things from around the world - technology, nature etc.    

    What does your son like?

  • Hi ,

    Thank you for sharing how you've been feeling with the community. These are all very normal concerns that lots of our members share. You may like to read our general information about autism. This includes information about Autism and communication:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-autism.aspx

    It sounds like you've begun the diagnostic process, but if you haven't and were interested in finding out if your son is on the autism spectrum, they would need to have a formal diagnostic assessment. You may find it useful to have a look at the following link for further information about diagnosis and the benefits of getting one:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children.aspx

    If you are looking for a diagnosis for your son, it is very important that you see someone with experience of autism spectrum disorders. Details of diagnostic services can be found on our Autism Services Directory: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx

    You may also want to look at our section that provides advice for parents, relatives and carers of people with autism.


    https://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life.aspx

    It might also be useful to pass on information about autism to health professionals when seeking a diagnosis. The following page includes information for a range of health professionals: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/professionals-involved.aspx

    You may like to have a read of the National Autism Plan for Children to see what you are likely to expect and what you can ask during the assessment . Please scroll down to the bottom of the page and go to page 3 on summary report, page 11 for full report for the Essential Components for a complete multi agency assessment: 

    http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children/national-plan-children.aspx

    I hope this is useful for you,

    ChloeMod:)

  • One of my cousins was late in developing his speech. He is around 11 now and leads a perfectly normal life with friends etc, he does not have any intellectual issues and doesn't seem to fit in the ASD category so please don't worry because it might not mean anything