Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
My 2 year old son doesn’t talk, has poor eye contact, doesn’t point and flaps his hands when excited. Until the questionnaire for the 2 year review I didn’t think too much of it all but now with the review it’s all come into the picture. I feel so upset and overwhelmed. I feel guilty on many counts. With the Covid situation, I have been told there is no guarantee when we will be contacted for the referral and paediatrician follow up. I feel helpless with no advice on what I can do to make things better for him and how to come to terms with it myself. So worried about what the future will be like. Feel sad for my older daughter who is the sweetest most cooperative little girl. Most places recommend talking to other parents in the same situation. So here I am. Any support please - much appreciated
I have a son with autism, who was delayed in his speech, slow to reach the usual "milestones", and when young communicated by grunts and by grabbing my hand (without looking at me) to point to things he was interested in. I can remember the guilt I felt at the time of his diagnosis, (at the age of 5), but my worries had begun much earlier, except that he hadn't received a label then.
It was hard to see the positive side at the time, and for quite a long time after. But my son, and yours, is the same person he was before the label. The diagnosis is made on the basis of perceived deficits, and I remember too how difficult it was to keep having to talk about all the things my son struggled with, over and over, at meeting with speech therapists and child psychologists.
I have done a lot of reading about the subject since then, (my son is now 16), and found out about the strengths of autism as well as the weaknesses. I've tried to help him the best I can, sometimes it's worked and sometimes it hasn't, but you will find your own way. Your son is a unique individual, and your love for him will count for a great deal, even if he doesn't seem to be responding in the way you would expect. Be kind to yourself as well, try not to feel you are in some way to blame for his autism, although I know that's easier said than done at the beginning.
I hope this helps, a little, above all remember that you aren't alone. There are others on this forum who will also be able to help you, and I wish you and your son well.
NAS66489 said:My 2 year old son doesn’t talk, has poor eye contact, doesn’t point and flaps his hands when excited
So what?? Other than the hand clapping this describes me as a two year old. I'm now a 35 year old women, who is a teacher (FE and HE), a PhD student, a wife and a mother. As I think differently to the pack I've also won numerous awards for my outstanding professional practice.
My mother hated my lack of eye contact and used to reprimand me about this. All that did was make me unhappy and anxious. As such, I caution against trying to change your son to fit in with societal expectations and believe the best thing you can do is accept him for who he is, encourage his strengths and be there to help him work on any areas he'd like to develop - so basically be a parent.
Like the predominant neurotype, all autistic people are different, as our socialisation and life experiences have a huge impact upon our behaviour and thought processes. We also have different strengths and weaknesses.
If I was in your situation I'd have a good think about how you want to be as a parent, as well as your own moral stance in regards to your approach to people who are different to the majority. You might want to take the parent community with a bit of salt. I've seen far too many non-autistic parents of autistic children promote a deficit model of this neurotype, which add to the stigma and continues to misrepresent autistic individuals.
I recommend you read this book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Childhood-diagnosed/dp/1847094929
Don't be upset - look at it as a challenge. My recommendation for you is Structure, Routine, Contingency.
What I mean by that is remove as many unknowns as possible so your son can predict life with certainty - the more things he needs to worry about, the more anxiety he will have, the more upset he can get. If everything just comes naturally with no stress, he'll learn to cope better with any single departure because everything else will be known.
Whenever a problem crops up, explain why the problem happened, that it's nothing to worry about and give him a small selection of alternatives to solve the problem. That will give him confidence to deal with small problems. You will be helping him build a model of how his world works that removes worry and stress.
If you repeat this process, it will build robust foundations so as he meets new challenges, he will have strategies to cope. As for contingency, you must make sure you give him universal escape plans so if everything gets too much, he knows you've got his back.
You have to consider yourself as his Jiminy Chricket - constantly there providing a narrative / translation between the world and his mind - giving him all the clues and understanding so he can add details to his world that he might not spot.
Ps I'm autistic my mother used to tell me to stop flapping, spinning etc. Never accepted me. I have an autistic child who's now grown up
Well enjoy your time at home! Forget his diagnosis for now. Give him a routine. Play how he likes to play. Enjoy time with him. Be happy hes still your son. They grow up way too fast. Hes just 2! He may just catch up one day. They dont usually diagnose so young so your already ahead theres no rush. If he wants to spend the day flapping and spinning, you flap and spin with him. Show him hes not alone, hes not anything to be worried about. Hes well him. The countries on lockdown theres a pandemic. I'm guessing hes healthy and doesnt have the virus? Take this time to connect
I am in a really similar situation. My daughter is 2 and 4 months and has been regressing since the start of the year in terms of her speech. After our initial Speech and Language appointment (2 weeks ago) concerns were raised about her lack of eye contact, repetitive behaviour, short concentration span, limited vocabulary (she was speaking more before) and disinterest in playing with others. I was quite devastated when I was told this as I had been reassuring myself that these behaviours were part of normal toddler development and to be honest, I did not know that some of these behaviours were a cause for concern. It is still a shock and I'm worried.
Our follow-up session scheduled for next week has ben cancelled so we are a little lost.
Our local Health visitor phoned this week and offered the following advice:
1. Try to join in during repetitive play to encourage eye contact and to bring their focus back to the real world.
2. Try to develop concentration through play. Play ready, steady, go games or use countdown- 1,2,3 to encourage them to engage, focus and take turns. I have been using bubbles for this.
3. Use short, repetitive words/ phrases and apply to real life contexts when pointing at or using certain objects.
Sorry if some of this is obvious- just passing on some tips that have helped us in these last few weeks.